What Death Has Taught Me.

Yesterday my beloved cousin was laid to rest. He died to early before he could make a major impact on the world. A beautiful gentle soul that towered over everyone at six foot seven inches. He was a gentle giant of sorts. Waging war on the world with a kind spirit and a compassionate sword. He was handsome, educated, well loved, charismatic,caring and far to kind. He had a great basketball career in college. My cousin Kendrick was a star basketball player who earned a scholarship to the University of Michigan then returned home to Boston to help other youth like himself in Dorchester where I grew up. He was widely known for the nonprofit organization he founded and ran, Big Business Network, which taught inner-city youngsters the basics of basketball and business. He graduated from Buckingham Browne & Nichols School in Cambridge and played basketball on a Big Ten scholarship while managing to also earn his bachelor’s degree in just three years. He went on to become a financial analyst. his year, Price started a job at Cristo Rey Boston High School where he was an account manager in the school’s corporate work study program, which gives students work experience. He started that job fewer than two weeks before he was killed.He was also a basketball coach at Brooke High School charter school.

My cousin wasn’t a saint . No one clearly is. He was so perfectly imperfect just like all of us are. It is not my position to talk ill about the dead nor is it cool to me to talk about the demons he carried. I will stick to speaking about the beautiful soul he was while he was here for the short time that he was. My cousin got shot and murdered last weekend on the very street we grew up on together. A couple of house down from were he called home. I can’t imagine what my auntie is going through right now but I imagine is is unconscionable and unfathomable. Not only is her stellar baby boy dead. He died on the same street he grew up on. Every time she walks outside she will have a constant reminder of his death, She will forever have nightmares of seeing his motionless body lying there dead in the snow as the white snow turned crimson red from the blood that was seeping out of his head. I too have a stellar young man. who works two jobs, goes to school, helps his community and who is brave, kind caring and compassionate to his fellow man. My heart breaks every time he walks out my door. I dare not to imagine how it would feel to never see him walk back in my door again. This is were it get hairy for me as a human being. I was told another one of my cousins was there at the time of the shooting. This cousin is not what you call a stand up kind of guy. He has an extensive criminal history. He is much like a street kind of person that was frown down upon by my family secretly because of his actions. No, he never completed High school or entered into college. He never got a athletic scholarship to go to a great college like my cousin did. He never started up a business, helped the community or did anything remotely positive as my cousin did. He was simply known for his temper, criminal back ground, narcotic selling and having a lot of kids.

These are to different human beings that choose two different life paths but they alone merged as one. They loved each other. They didn’t see anything different in between them but love and blood. They were thick as thieves and everyone knew they were inseparable. Two peas in a pod the like untouchable. They didn’t see the difference between them like the world saw. That is where I think true love lies. They loved each other heart and soul and not for what degrees they had, what their economic status was or who had a criminal history or lack there of. After the death of my cousin the pressure cooker exploded and the shrapnel sent daggers of ice picks through the heart of my family members. They all of a sudden became divided at a time when they should have came together in unison .The blame game began fast and furious resembling a high speed train. I tried to call and give my condolence and the only person that spoke to me was my grandmother. So I left my number so other family members could call me but one week later and a day after he was laid to rest; I still have yet to receive a call. The funky thing about that was I was the last to hear that he past away. I learned of his passing on Facebook from my cousin Tina who said : you clearly must not know what’s gong on”. Man, that hurt my heart something terrible. Once again The black sheep is not included in something as important as a death in the family. Moving on; as I read the news, watched the videos and kept up with everything online( Because no one was keeping me abreast of anything) the wind begins to swirl and the movement in my family began drastically change. They beyond livid that he past away more and more as it settled in. I could read it on my Facebook. The lines on my feed read: “He was such a good person” ” He was a gentle Giant” ” He was going to make a difference and change the world” Then came the whammy of questions. “Why did it have to happen to him”? Became the question on everyone’s lips. Then the swirl of wind became a hurricane of sorts. My Auntie and other family members I believe were speaking out of grief ( I hope) When They told my cousin who was there that night that it should have been him and his wife that should have took the bullets. In Layamon’s terms ; They told him they wished he had died instead of my cousin Omg, beloveds, When the news got back to me in Florida that this was said. I was baffled, bewildered, heart broken and frankly appalled .

Who in there right mind would say that to another human being. Grief should not be an excuse to me but I don’t really know. They were inseparable. They loved each other. They were like best friends. What would he have thought if he heard his mother say such a thing? My cousin that lived is forever torn up and tore apart from witnessing the act first hand. He was there. He saw the blood . He watched him died in front of his eyes. He already felt remorseful, anger and like it’s his fault for being there at the party with him. It is him who will wake up from cold sweats from a reoccurring never ending nightmare. He will have PTSD and flash backs of that eventful and tragic night because before that they were having a great time until that happen. Damn, wasn’t that a lasting pain enough for him to carry the rest of is life? I guess not. As he walked into the Funeral home looking for a seat My Auntie went full throttle ballistic. As her words of anger and hate began to spew like venom from her once sweet and innocent mouth everything change. She saw my cousin and rage filled her eyes and she called the cops to escort him out of there. She made a big spectacle. Maybe she had the right to after all that was her only baby son. Maybe she had the right to because the pain was too much to bear. Maybe she started to believe her own words that she heard in her head over and over again. It’s should not have been my son! It should have been you! He left hurt, embarrassed, ashamed and left unable to say his final good byes . While at the same time she placed a nail in the coffin of another family member who is essential dead in her eyes now. Not only is one of my cousins physically dead another cousin who loved him too in life is mentally dead to her and the other family member who feel the same way as she does.

Death to me has been such an interesting teacher to me. I never got my first brush with death until I was in my forties when my mother passed away suddenly and then again eighteen month later when my father died. Both of those were experiences that left me breathless and bewildered. I remember vividly when I got the call that my mother was in the hospital. I was at home with my children. I was preparing for my son’s championship football game. My estranged sister to whom I do not talk to at all called me and told me what was going on. When she called she said ” mom is not doing good” ” Would you like to speak to her”? When I replied yes she said ” Oh she is in a coma ” What the hell? Then why ask me if I wanted to speak to her” I was lost. She said she would call me with any News. The day of the game while my son is running down the field trying to tackle the opposing team player. My phone starts to ring. I answer it nervously and I got the call I knew was coming ” She’s dead” .Omg. I was still. I couldn’t move,breath or cry. I was screaming inside but screaming outside at my kid as he made the tackles of all tackles. I had to keep a brave face. Show no sadness. Act like I never received that call. I stayed that way until I got home. That’s when all the calls started flooding my phone. Call after call from people I never met before, from my siblings who have never met my kids or talk to me in decades. From aunties and uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews. They all came out of the wood work. I took these calls As I took the similar calls I received when my dad died eighteen months later. The thing that got me in both situations was that They both died at a time that I was unable to move quickly . As single parent I need time to make arrangements for both of my kids. When my dad died. He died on the kids first day of school so I was unable leave just like that. When I asked the father and his family to watched them so I could leave they denied my request. So;to make along story short I was not able to be present to lay my parents to rest.

I missed the opportunity to say my final good byes. No asked to help me get there or offer me away to get there knowing me situation. I am the underdog, the sheep and the out cast in my family just like my cousin I was talking about. I am the one that had babies out of wed locking . The sister that didn’t finish college like my older sister. I am the one that made poor life choices when I was younger and the same one who will be made to relive them time and time again. I will never live down my youthful mistakes in their eyes. So when my parents died the well to do sibling took over every aspect of their funeral details. I was not included. They made all of the arrangements, invited all the guest and secured all the churches and banquet hall without me in mind. They held the Viewing, funerals and repasses without me. I was not mailed an obituary or anything that regarded my parents. I do not know where they scattered half of my mothers ashes nor was I special enough to get a locket with some of her ashes like the rest of my sibling. I do not know where my dad is laid to rest or what cemetery or plot number he is in because I was the bad sister. That felt so horrible to know that the two people who brought me into this world were dead now and I never had a chance to say good bye. They were not the best parent to me by along shot but that is for another blog time. The craziest part of it all was after they died.

All of a sudden people wanted to start telling me personal information about my parents. Things that clearly wasn’t my business. Who did what, when they did what and with who. Who did illegal drugs, who slept around and the real reason why my mom left me behind as a toddler. The man my mom left my dad for, who he was and how much younger her was then her. ( I mean who really cares)? Not me!! They where talking so bad about them that I had to say” Hold up not my fight, not my business” they continued to poke an prod. Ask me what I knew and If I new this or that? Then came the money issues. Who had life insurance and how much. Who get’s it and who doesn’t. My mother didn’t raise me my father did. I met my mother when I was ten or eleven. Out of all four kids she had;she only raised one and that was my baby brother. Who mind you I’ve only met three times in my life. He was emotionally zoned out. He was all she knew and all he had. She did everything for him up until she passed. When she passed away she left him behind like a little stray puppy. He didn’t know how to cook, clean, drive pay bills nothing. It was really sad to me. All I could do was reach out to him. In the mist of all the craziness there he sat like a lost puppy. This one want to sue the hospital for this. This one was fighting over that. It was a free for all party of pure Bull shit. In the end The calls slowly started to recede. The stories started to dissipate and the calls stopped all together. No longer did I here from my two older sisters again. No longer did I hear from my older brother again. There went the calls from all the people I never met in my life. It went back to normal. Are dysfunctional normal. All that was left was all the damn stories about my parent that I sure they never wanted me to hear. I was once again back where I belong in the ” no lane ” zone. I was not fit to call or check on. There was no more interest in my children’ well being. I was back where I started before they died. In Tallahassee, Florida living alone with my two kids with no outside help, family support from my side or the fathers side. Left hanging like the last ornament on the Christmas tree that they forgot was there and tossed out with the Christmas tree on the side of the curb.

For a brief moment. Yes I felt connected and loved. Just for a second I thought that someone actually cared about me and my family. Just for a second I anticipated the calls from unfamiliar voices. Just for a flash I felt like I finally belonged. That I was finally acceptable to them. Acceptable enough to get a call at least and a ” I Love” you at the end of the call. I hung on to my sister’s voice because I knew once he was in the ground I would no longer hear from her. I wanted to believe in magic, in miracles and rainbows. Then I stood up and shook that shit off as soon as it came is as soon as I let it go. I have a great gift of shifting my pain and hurt in to file cabinets inside my mind and I don’t return to them unless I need to. Thank god for that. I am sad that I was not there to lay them to rest.I am sad I do not know where my fathers body rest. I am sad to even think that not one person has even told me but such is the life is the life I lead as the outsider that can never fit in or get in. This whole thing with my cousin struck a nerve because we are so much alike but different. We choose different paths in life that was frown upon by are family members. While he choose a life of drug dealing and crime. I choose to be an unwed mother at 26 with no degree under my belt. Yes I was the whimsical child. The hard headed child, the rebellious child but I was also the molested child. Physically, emotionally and verbally abused child too. I acted out for reasons. I was a child and that is what children do when they are faced with adversity so young that they don’t know how to process it or how to handle. In the end I clearly made some bad choices in my life as a young adult that had nothing to do with my family.

Nevertheless me and my cousin are both human beings. we deserved to be loved and feel love. We deserve to feel like we are apart of are family. We deserved to feel like we belong. There was no need to keep my cousin from saying his final good byes to my dearly beloved cousin . Damn he loved him just as much as I did. Maybe even more. It’s not fair to say who’s life is more valuable than the other. No one should ever say to someone” It should have been you that died instead of my son.” or ” His life has more meaning then yours because you choose the street life and he didn’t” That is insensitive to say and even more horrible to say out loud to another soul. I am sorry that I am the wayward sibling to my family members but I deserved to lay my parents to rest . I deserved to say my good byes even if you didn’t think I was not worthy or educated enough to say it. We are all human beings, Doing the best that we can on this road called life. No one is perfect and no one is going ever be! Life doesn’t come with a set of instructions. It is a learn as we go type venture. No matter how someone feels about a person in their family it should never override Death when he knocks on your door. I wish that family members acted more like family members instead of like a Mob family. Where they off each other once they are no longer useful or deemed important to the families dynamics anymore. My poor cousin will forever remember the night he lost my cousin. He will forever have those images in his head. He will forever hear those hateful word rambling in his subconscious ” It should have been you that died that night instead of my son”. He will forever remember walking into the church to say his good byes and the cops stopped him short and escorted him out. What will become of him now that he is essential mentally dead to certain family member? Who will he become now ? How will he view his worth and will he too wish it was him that died that night?

My love Hate Relationship with the Dark.

Why is it that I am so drawn to the the dark, the unknown the early morning hours? There is something so secretive, seductive, alluring and calming to me as the day nears an end and all the normal people are preparing to going to bed. Nope, Not me. Like clock work my body rises from the dead at eight pm every night. The night time is my morning. The moon is my sun. I thrive in the dark. I go Unseen, unheard and not bothered by every day daily pressures of my life. There is something that turns on a switch of some sort; that clicks on automatically and with out warning. As I gather all my goodies to make a large cup of coffee my mind starts buzzing. The colors in my mind become radiant and vibrant. It’s as if it is six am, the sun is rising and the blue jays are singing a melody in my mind. At night the melody is welcoming but in the morning I dread to hear them singing outside my window because I am dead tired by then. Lol. It so crazy to say that out loud or to admit to other people. The dark and I have a love hate relationship. While, I feel more alive, sexy, alert, creative, happy and full of zest in the cloak of darkness; I still can’t help but feel a sense of dread, despair, loneliness, pain , uneasiness, unsafe and foreboding too.

As a child I hated the dark because behind it’s black veil of secrecy; lurked predators, touchy hands, monsters under the bed and uncertainty. I remember once my mother kicked me out of the house at the age of twelve years old. At the time she had her fill of me emotionally. She just couldn’t take my behavior anymore and she allowed the streets to have me. I recall the fear and dread I had the first time night fell and I had no where to safe to sleep. So that night I didn’t sleep. I walked and walked and walked until I got tired. I only stopped to rest my feet . I never ventured to far from North Miami for varies reasons. The most important reason was I wanted to make sure I stayed close to my middle school. No matter what was going on in my life I knew I needed to be in school. If I think back. I can still feel the warm Miami air on my face embracing my body like a warm hug from my mother. I remember walking and looking for secure places to sleep. I slept on the forth floor in stairwell of an apartment building for many nights. I knew when It was safe for me to sleep there and instinctively knew when to get up and get out of there before the first person got up for work. I had friends at school that helped me too. Whenever their parents went to bed they would sneak me in from the cold streets and allowed me to get a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep. I remember stumbling upon a dusty old van parked in a gas station/repair shop and getting so exited. I opened the back door and climbed in there. The smell of the van was so weird and unfamiliar to me. It was dirty, messy and smelled like mold and mildew. The smell was so overwhelming and overpowering that I recall getting violently sick to my stomach but the warmth and security of the van is what allured me and held me captive. That became my go to place to sleep most of the nights when I was in and around the North Miami area.

On certain nights when I could not manage to walk to the van or if I wanted to sleep in a bed; I sometime hung out with some older kids I knew. They would rented a rooms whenever they had money. You would think that would’ve been advantageous to me personally because I had a place to shower and a bed to sleep in . Nope, my dear lovelies that wasn’t the case. As I slept in the bed I could feel hands on my body that did not have permission to be there. I could feel their eyes boring holes into my body in the pitch dark. All I wanted was to be twelve years old, at home, warm and in my bed again. I didn’t want to be on the defensive all night but I had too and I learned quick! Let me tell you about the people in my life back then; they took advantage of my age, my situation and my circumstances and they used my pain and homelessness to their advantage. It got so bad that Every time the sun started to fall I no longer felt safe in the van, with friends or over anyone else house. I started going to the rooftop of a specific hotel in Miami and that is were I stayed until the sun came up. The hotel roof top was on the 25th floor. It became my safe haven, protector and sense of peace after while. I was so scared in the beginning to fall asleep up there; that I would sit on the very edge of the roof and dangle my legs over the edge to keep me up and alert. The view was so beautiful from way up there. I felt at peace and away from prying eyes and roaming hands. I don’t remember being afraid of how high I was nor was I afraid of falling. I woke up many days on my tummy sleeping on the edge of the roof. I was at a point that I would rather fall to my death than be touched by someone that I didn’t want on my body. This is one of the times that I know the universe protected me from harm. Kept me safe and kept me alive.

You know what lovelies? I still attended school everyday for the two months that I was on the streets. Not once did I go to school and tell any authorities figures what was going on with me because I didn’t want to get my mom in trouble. I tough it out and made it to school on time for breakfast every morning. Every morning depending on where I slept that night, I would go to a nursing home to clean up, do my hair and prepare for school. I would then go to Walgreen’s and steal two King sizes candy bars to eat through out the day. That is how I managed to stay clean. How I manage to keep my clothes clean was a whole different ball game. I would take my clothes in the dead of night to a random apartment complexes laundry area and take out the clothes in the washer and replace them with mine and do the same with the clothes in the dyer. I would wash a weeks worth of clothes. Fold them up and hide them where ever I slept that night. I went to school every day and pretended like everything was okay. I know that I was not walking alone during this time. There was a higher being that protected me from other situation like being a victim of human trafficking, prostitution or getting kidnapped and never being seen alive again. I made it through that moment of my life without getting my mother in trouble and without me dying. She took me back in after while but that experience has never left my mind. I believe that impacted me greatly as a young child. I was too young to be out there homeless and alone. I was to young to be tossed out like trash by my mother and treat like trash by others because I needed them and their help. To this day this is one of the reason I have abandonment issues. If my own mom could kick me out on to the street and not think twice; why would I think anyone else in my life would stay? This is an area that is very tough for me . It’s the hardest thing for me to process, understand and let go of.

I really try hard to try and understand myself and why I do the things I do. When I got older I always worked the third and second shift of every job I had. I worked nights up until I had my first child. After he was born I needed to be home with him at night. So between my childhood and always working over night. I believe that is the reason why my body get’s up at 8 pm every single night. I know there are many days I don’t go to sleep for days too because of my Bipolar. Now that I am older it has slightly changed. As a single mom. I am up; listening for the slightest noise or movement outside of my home. Especially after someone tried to break in my home when myself and my kids were home. I am not worried about people touching me or hurting me anymore. That is now the worry I have for my kids. I can’t see the bad people that I see in my mind outside my house at night and that makes me scared. I wish that I had a husband at times. I don’t know what a restful sleep really feels like unless I take a sleeping aids or when My friend Mrs. Sun comes up. I only like like the Sun because It feels like It’s my protector and my Friend who looks out for my best interest. She is a warm, light and snugly blanket that keeps me safe from harm. I can see who is coming and who is going in broad daylight because of her. When she is out I sleep with my guard down, clothes off and free.

There is no rhyme or reason for this blog. I just started typing about my love hate relationship with the dark and my mind tripped and went down memory lane. I have had some really shitty things happen to me in my life but I have had some amazing things happen in my life too like the birth of my kids. I am not all doom and gloom. I am just here trying to make sense of my pain in order for me to help other people make sense of theirs too. You are not alone wounded souls . I am here with you and for you. We can walk through this thing called life together. I have walked through darkness all my life sadly enough. Now It is my calling and plight in life to help others find the way out of their darkness too.

Wow, damn, this is the first time I ever wrote about me being homeless at 12. I have kept it somewhere safe and sound to protect me from the pain it brought me whenever I’d remember it. Breathe Kidada.. Time for bed!

The Thoughts From a Bipolar Mind.

How do I begin to describe what’s going on in my head? I am working off of an hour sleep. My eyes are closing, my body is in pain and all it wants to do is lie down but of course, my mind is like ” shut the hell up” I feel so frigging angry inside right now for no apparent reason at all. I mean if anyone looks at me wrong, raises their voice at me or bothers me at this very moment I feel like I will snap. I feel like I will explode like a wine cork in a tight space and leave a massive amount devastation in my wake if I open my mouth. I don’t have a clue why I feel this way today but I will acknowledge this emotion and also make sure that I do not say anything mean to anyone I love today. I don’t feel like being regretful and remorseful too.

Damn; I am so hungry too but I can’t eat a bite of food. I am so tired but I feel the need to go walking or workout. I am rapid cycling in between happy, mad and Sad. Stopping at sad every time as I think about my cousins and his death or when I see him in my mind’s eye. Anxiety is riding the hell out of my ass something fierce too. It keeps telling me “sleep is for the weary”. The sun is out. You need to be productive. It’s telling me to go workout, start dinner, go walking and wash them clothes now too! It keeps reminding that I didn’t write last night and it keeps making me feel bad about doing that? Better yet it says to me ” Go do all of them at the same time”. This is the thought I was waiting for and it is showing up right on time. Can you hear it telling me that I am a bad mom if I go to sleep right now? I know I should have rested before the kids came home from school but my mind killed those plans. It keeps chanting to me over and over again ” your a bad mom” . How about you go to sleep later and I mean much later like after 4 am? . Just get started somewhere anywhere but get there now. Let’s go Kidada. Mush mush!!!

I can hear my thoughts so loud and clear. I have front row tickets to this beautiful and loud dysfunctional shit show. My thoughts resemble a Rock and roll band playing at a packed concerts during the noon day . My thoughts are rapidly flashing like hotel signs on every corner of the strip in Las Vegas. They are illuminating and vibrant; using both neon and florescent colors to blend a beautiful picture of chaos. They are so loud and intense that they hurt my head and give a headache. The crazy thing is that; the soothing melody coming from the Blue jays chirping outside my window are driving me mas too. They are zoom by at lighting speeding. All I can see are the tail ends of my thoughts as they zip by rear-ending each other. My thoughts are colliding, crashing and causing mass confusion with my brain waves and causing mayhem on the highway of my nervous system. All my thoughts are l competing to be seen, heard and felt by me the owner. It is only one in the afternoon and I am already mentally exhausted. I am so glad that I am a stay at home mom at the moment. I would be a fucking shit storm of a mess if I was at work today.

I am going to take charge of my mind and go take a sleeping pill and set my alarm clock. I will wake up in three hours. I can deal with three hours . Right now I can’t function properly to complete my chores, workout or do my laundry because my body is running on fumes now. My body is literally aching in pain everywhere but it is that frigging mind of mines. It’s still trying to convince me otherwise as we speak.. Real talk! So I am going to try to power down for 3 hours. Wish me luck beloved. I hope that I drift off to sleep before Anxiety pop back in with all the “what if thoughts”, “why come” thoughts and” here let me make you cry” thoughts. I love my mind too because it is so creative, inspiring, artistic and more but I hate how there is no kill switch in my head to turn it down a notch, turn off completely or at least let me be able to press the pause button.

“Lets not Play the Victim role”

The Court of the Second Judicial Circuit, Criminal acts against your Soul Division, is now in session, the Honorable Judge Mrs.Be honest with your self presiding. Judge: Everyone but the jury may be seated. Mr. Come clean, please swear in the jury. Bailiff: Please raise your right hand. As the juries raise their right hands I hear them repeat the words that the bailiff is reciting :I swear that the evidence that I shall give, shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God. Affirmation: I solemnly affirm that the evidence that I shall give, shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I hear my Name being called so I stand up. I am the first one and only one called up to the stand tonight. As I start to walk up to the stand I feel my knees getting weak under me. The walk from my chair to the stand looks miles away. My hands begin to sweat and my mind begins to race. I am truly scared to confess my truth to the 12 juries of my peers. What will they think of me? How will I look to them. Will they pass judgement on me and my actions? “Of course they will” I can hear myself saying to myself. Damn how did I get here again? I thought I learned from my past mistakes. Damn, I am a repeat offender. This will not look good on my track record of love. The closer I get to the bench everything in me want to bolt out the door but I can’t back out now. I have to face the fire and suffer the consequences of my actions. I sit down like a lady full of pose and grace. I sure as hell look the part I am trying to portray on the outside but I wouldn’t be here if I was the same person inside.

I place my hand on the bible as I am sworn in . I can hear myself saying;
“I swear that the evidence that I shall give, shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God. Affirmation: I solemnly affirm that the evidence that I shall give, shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” I can feel the acid churning in my belly trying hard to creep up in to my esophagus. It’s ready to spew all over my beautiful dress but I swallow the bitterness back down my throat. The judge looks at me and says ” Mrs. Kendrick you know why you are here? I reply ” Yes you honor” and she proceeds to start listing of the following charges: (1) Criminal treason against your soul. ( Felony) (2)Lying to yourself ( misdemeanor) (3) Not observing all the red flags and warns that the universe sent you ( Felony) and finally (4) accepting the unacceptable from a person that was not in alignment with your soul. ( Felony) “How do plead Mrs. Kendrick”? I heard all the charges and I grimaced and turned away. I looked back with a pitifully look of shame and wanted to Scream ” Not guilty” ” I am the Victim” ” I was bamboozled and hoodwinked” but who the hell am I fooling? Me? One of my charges against me was lying to myself. I looked over at the judgmental juries and I said in an low inaudible voice ” I plead Guilty your Honor”.

Just hearing myself say those words instantly made me feel like shitty person. I can’t believe that I am here once again repeating the same crimes against myself. The only difference is that the universe sent the same type of man I had prior but this time in a different earthly shell. Just to see if I had learned my lesson the last go round. I was sure that I did. You could not have convinced me other wise. I just knew I acknowledged all my flaws, faults, self- esteem and self doubt issues by now. I just knew that I examined myself with a magnifying glass from head to toe. I started recalling all the days in the therapist office working out my issues and even doing homework for the week until I seen her again. I even stopped have sex for seven years in order to heal my emotional wounds. I just knew that I was in a good head space. I was ready to meet someone new. I was confident; at least I appeared to be on the outside but actually I don’t really think I was. The Judge looked at me with a disappointed look. I didn’t have a lawyer but the Universe had a defense lawyer named ” Mrs. Karma. As Mrs Karma approached the bench I noticed her piercing blue eyes Staring through my soul. “Mrs. Kendrick Please state your Whole name for the juries”. I said Kidada Kendrick and then the cross examination began.

Tell me about your last relationship if it was even called that. Was it a relationship? I replied “no” I don’t believe in titles. First lie I convinced myself of. I was to afraid to place a name or a title on it in fear that it wouldn’t work if it did . I also didn’t want to run him away so soon asking about our relationship status. Remember now I was celibate for 7 years prior. At that time I was a working single mother attending school . I never went out or did anything fun. I attended church, went to the library, hiking, to the gym and home. It took a while to even invite him to my home. After nine months on the phone I finally felt comfortable meeting him in my personal space. ( outside my home) .. That is where my story began. The first test I failed was I was in awe of his earthly shell. I was taken back by his beauty. I was awestruck over his chiseled body and his deep Jamaican accent. ( The father of my children was aesthetically pleasing on the outside too but he was a horrible person on the inside. I promised myself that I would not be swayed by a persons looks any more. That I would evolve and start looking for great inner qualities, great characteristics, pose, manners and an all around gentleman. Well I was so eye struck that I let that thought evade my mind. I was impressed by his appearance and that was my first fall. At this time of my life I was practicing something new for me. I wanted to see if I allowed a person to be exactly who they were and loved them exactly as they are; how would it fair out. So I allowed him to be himself and in return I was for the first time allowed to be myself unabashedly and that felt great.

I was able to talk about any and every thing to him and so was he . So I thought. I was so busy hyping up the fantasy and fairy tail in my mind that I started to disregard little shit. I kept looking at the bigger picture in stead of looking at the small intrinsic details. As months turned into years I started to noticing little patterns, inconsistencies and other things that didn’t sit well with my soul. At that time I must admit that I was passive aggressive. I took note and never said anything to avoid conflict between us. I started to notice that he was an emotionally distant and unavailable person. Another lesson I failed. I am a very emotionally charged and emotionally invested soul. I love hard , wide and long. I promised myself that I wouldn’t date a person who was emotionally detached because my father was that way. I promised myself that I would not be involved with anyone of that nature and here I stood making excuses for him and trying to find an understanding. I was so understanding to a fault for him but I neglected myself and my emotionally needs for him. During this time loyalty had the best of me and he was the one guy that I was sleeping with. However, Mr. man hand a roaming eye. He loved all types of women and I was well aware of his appetite for them. I always told him that I understood how hard it was for a young man to be faithful in this day in age. I was accepting of him sleeping with other women. Crazy as that sounds I did. As long as every three month he had an AIDS and STD test I was cool and he did that without hesitation. This is the third lie that I told myself. I really do feel like no one should lock a person down until they are ready emotionally, physically or mentally but I was not used to that personally. I am used to being in a committed relationship. However how committed I was in those relationships they cheated anyways. So I wanted to try something new. I lied to myself and tried to convince myself I was okay with it.

Where you really okay with it ? Mrs. Karma asked. “No I wasn’t” I said sheepishly and sadly. That’s when the feelings of not being enough crept in. That is when my insecurities began to show up unannounced and without warning. That’s when I started to compare and judge myself and my appearance to other women. That’s when I started feeling like I was never going to be what he wanted; if he himself didn’t know what he wanted. Instead of leaving I stayed. I became more invested over time. I became more involved with his daily interactions. I started playing house like a fool and taking on the wife role without the ring. I started cooking , cleaning and bring lunch to his job. We started spending more time together and I thought that was good enough. While in the back of my head I knew he was spending time some where else, with someone else and yes; that began to eat me to the core. In the mist of it all I kept sleeping with him alone. I got more and more attached to him and his presence in my life. Then I started to notice that he was not a very given person. He was not a person that like to share either. He was all about himself, his needs, his wants and his desires. ( how the hell did I miss all that ? ) He was not a person that was there for me when I needed him the most because he didn’t know how to handle emotional situations. I should have walked away then too but I thought that my love, kindness and compassion would rub off on him. He was not a person that you could go to in your time of need without him making you feel like you were a burden. He wanted , wanted, wanted and wanted yet he had no ability to give if his life depended on it. He was used to something I couldn’t offer. All the women before me didn’t make him work for anything. He was spoiled with money, trips, clothes and all matters of materialist things from them. When He met this single mom I couldn’t and wouldn’t take care of a man. I should have left again when he said ” I didn’t bring anything to the table” like all the other women.

So ” Mrs. Kendrick why did you stay after that?” Mrs. Karma asked. Well by then fours years had come and gone and truthfully that was the only man I was seeing and the only man that my kids saw me with. I tried to help him see that I was more than what he gave me credit for. I was starting to have the dreaded conversations about my worthiness. How he does see my worth or how he doesn’t appreciate the women that I was. I started trying to convince him that I was a great women with substance and who was a priceless masterpiece. I started trying to get him to notice the good in me. To see that I was worth his time.. Ugh ( read that again) that I was worth his time, energy and money. No matter what I did to try to convince him of the great women he had in his mist. He dismissed it, down played it or made me feel like I was talking to much. Saying the same thing over and over again and actually I was. I read somewhere if you have to tell a person what you need, like or want over and over again and they don’t make an effort to change they don’t respect you. I feel that. I noticed that I was allowing this person to treat me in a manner that was unacceptable repeatedly . I started to slowly show him how to disrespect me by not respecting myself. I was showing him how to put me last by always putting him before myself. I know that; what I was experiencing was so damn toxic and damn unhealthy but I didn’t care. Can you believe what I just said? “I said I didn’t care”. The harsh reality was that I wanted a person that didn’t want me wholly. I wanted a man that was emotionally unavailable and I knew that. I wanted a man that didn’t speak to the Queen in me but who spoke to the Concubine in me. I can’t believe that wanted a man that was not mature enough to know and or wise enough to comprehend how to appreciate the rare gem he held in his hands. I allowed him to hold my rare soul in his hands with reckless abandonment. He didn’t caring if he dropped me and shatter my soul along the way.I can’t believe that I wanted a man that spoke down to me on some days, didn’t speak to me on other days or didn’t listen to me with intention on the rest of the days. I have never felt the stinging feeling of not being wanted, or the crushing feeling of being unloved like this before. It was almost a game to make him want me. In the end Mrs. Karma I was not enough for him and I never will be.

I used to listen to him tell me that “no one will want you with all your mental illness issues”. He said it so much that I started believing that. That became the sick reason why I hung on in the end . I was scared that the beautiful flawed human being I was would never be liked by another man besides him. He would always say ” It’s a trade off messing with you” You are fucking crazy and I still accept you for all of you.” The good and the bad parts of you too he would say. He said that if people new I had Bipolar disorder they would run and I believed him when he said that. I found myself acting differently. I found myself obsessing over him. I found myself believing his words as if they were written in stone. I remember the first time we had a fight . It was hand to hand combat and at that moment I reacted out of survival mode and did what I have always done all my life. I fought back. I started the fight. I hit him first but when I saw his fist swinging towards my face I knew that we would never be the same again. Now the toxicity was at a new level and what did we do? We had the most amazing sex the day after. So damn fucked up. I know; but that is how abusive relationships begin. I have been in them all my life so I can recognize the signs. I knew right there that we needed to end it . I knew that nothing good would become of us. I saw Mrs. Karma shake her head and as I looked at the juries I could see the repulsive looks on their faces. I heard one women say That couldn’t have been me”.. Oh yeah, that is what I sad too. I thought that I was so much better than that and so much better than what I was receiving from him. I thought that I would have walked by now. I thought a women like me would not put up with a mans bull shit ever again. I thought that I learned from my last relationship. Yet here I sit in this court room sharing details of my private hell to perfect strangers.

“What was the last straw for you Mrs. Kendrick”? Mrs. Karma asked. There are to many straws to count but the one that I will share with you is when he left to go to Jamaica for the holidays and he slept with a random women there. That change the score card. “Why did that change the score card; if you allowed him to do that in the beginning”? she asked . Well; I began, I started viewing myself differently by then. I started talking and voicing my concerns instead of hiding them from him in order to avoid conflict. I also started a journey with accepting myself; and my mental challenges. I was no longer afraid to share with others about my mental illness. I spoke to him in depths about how that made me feel and he promised me that he wouldn’t do that again to me.. ( but of course he did and of course he lied) You know; there is certain type of connection a person shares with someone they care about and sleep with. When he came home I knew something was off and the vibe was wrong. I just knew he did something. After a lot of poking and prodding the truth came out. I lost every bit of trust I had left for him. I remember crying and screaming on the phone to empty ears. He was so unemotionally unavailable that it was scary. He was so cold and ice like as if my existence and pain didn’t matter to him. He spoke to me in a harsh and demeaning tone as if I did something wrong to him personally. Like I was the one who slept with another person. How dear he turn that shit around on me like that and why hell did I feel like I was in the wrong when I knew I wasn’t?

Ever since that moment it was never the same. “Did” you call him again? Mrs. Karma asked? ” But of course I did” I said. I was pleading with him to not treat me unkind. Asking him”why are you treating me this way”? What did I do wrong to deserve this to be done to me? I remember asking him to come over the day after. Repeatedly. I resorted back to the deck of sex cards in hopes that would work and I could see he. ( Thankfully he said NO) I wanted him to just talk to me. I pleaded “don’t leave me”and a whole bunch of other bullshit. In the end we decided that this was getting out of hand and to toxic for the both of us. He apologized for what he did and that was that. The day after I felt nasty, stupid, used up and discarded like waste. I felt like he used and abused me. I was ashamed that he knew all my private secrets and personally traumas. I felt like he got a chance to experience all the goodness in me and he still was able to just walk away so easily as if I meant nothing to him in the first place. I felt like a Nobody, a person that was a gluten for punishment and a fool. I must say before I move on Your honor that there were good days and great days shared between us too. There were long passionate steamy nights and conversations that kept us awake until the crack of dawn full of laughter and cheer. There were amazing moments watching sports together, cuddling together and enjoying good food together. I have learned an awful lot from him along the way that has helped shaped me in better ways. I will not sit here and claim it was all for not and it was horrible from beginning to end because that would be a lie. He did try to make little changes for me. I noticed when he tried. Let me give him credit where credit it due.

“Where do you stand today Mrs. Kendrick” I heard her say over my tears.. I wiped my face and I said. You know your Honor: I just really wanted to be loved so bad. In the course of that; I accepted and tolerated things that I didn’t deserve . The day that he told me ” Loyalty wasn’t a big deal to him I should have done more than think about what he said. I should have walked away when he said it. I am here to tell the court that I am not a victim. I was a willing participant in my own misery. I was well aware that I was not being treat like the Queen that I know that I am and I accepted that. I was well aware that he showed me on numerous occasions that he was not a good human being, partner or Friend but yet in still; I kept searching for the good in him all the way down in the bottom of the barrel. He never lie to me about who he was from the beginning. I accepted who he was at face value without trying to change him willfully. I accepted his roaming eyes and his lust for other women. I accepted and knew that he was a Narcissistic person too and I did try to change him by my deeds and actions and that clearly didn’t work neither. I was so swept up in the sexual aspect of it all, the fun of it all and the handsomeness of it all; so much so; that I lost myself loving him along the way. I was being so superficial that I disregarded his horrendous internal nature and his cold demeanor . I was engulfed with the idea of having a warm body in my bed instead of going to bed alone like usual . Many nights as I laid beside his warm body I have never felt more alone. isolated and sadder than I did with him.I saw all the read flags being thrown onto the field of life and I ran straight up to them, look at them, read them and kept going. I felt my gut intuition going off on red alert so many times and all I did was place a plastic bag over the light and push the feeling down in order to be with him again. There is no one else to blame but me for being so desperate for wanting to feel loved. The funny thing is I never felt loved not once the whole time I was with him. I lived in my mind most of the time with him making him into my Knight and Shinning Armor. It’s not his fault that I offered him the star role in my drama series. He was playing a role that was not meant for him to play, prepared for him to play or wanted to play. I did my soul a total disservice by allowing the wrong soul to make a connection with my beautiful soul. I should have listen to my gut from the start and not from my lonely heart.

Your Honor. If I may… I don’t think that he honestly deserved me. I think he took full advantage of my giving and caring nature. He knew that his intentions where not pure or in my best interest but he proceeded anyways. He was well aware of all my past hurts, pain and struggles and he promised me that he would not be a source of pain to me too. He did what he knew what to do. He came into this with different motives than mine. I am not the one that lost a rare and beautiful human being. I am not the one that lost a real friend that would have had his back to the end. I am not the one who lost out on a great , loyal, honest, creative , loving and amazing soul. He will miss what he had after I am long gone, The reality of what he lost will sting him in the end like a stingray. You know what? I actually won here not him. I won myself back, my self esteem back, my pride, my happiness, my self respect, my dignity, my pride, my peace of mind and so much more. In return I lost a narcissistic, unemotional, unkind, selfish and uncaring soul. I am not here to teach boys how to become men. I am not here to rehabilitate sick and wounded men. I am not here to raise any one else son’s. ( I have my own son to raise.)That was their mothers job. I just wanted to acknowledge that out loud to you and every one in court today. I really am not missing out on anything that will serve my soul. Help with my elevation as a person or to help with my healing process. I am on the right road of becoming a better version of myself daily. I don’t hate him. Instead I respect the Universe for sending him to me. It showed me that I still have a lot of word to be done with myself.

So your honor I am guilty as charged and I am ready to accept my punishment. Court room was silent. So silent that you could hear a pin drop. She looked at me and said ” Kidada Kendrick I appreciate that you’re taking full accountability for the part you played in all this” , ” I know that was emotionally hard for you to admit your truth in front of all these complete strangers” She went on to say ” I applaud you for your bravery , honesty and candor” . With that being said I sentence you back in to Therapy for another year. You must do and complete community service with yourself.” I believe there is still a lot of hidden pain, old wounds and other emotional issues that you need to take care of “. “You are not to get into a committed relationship for a year or better”. You are not allowed to see, call or have sex with him anymore”. That is off the table. She said. She continued and said “I will allow you to call him for important reasons only; if there is such a need. There will be no over night stays at his house, he is not allowed in your home or in your panties”.”You have a year or two to complete my order” she declared. You are not to have any interaction with any males until you gain more self love and self respect for yourself” Mrs. Karma came close to me and whispered in my ear “Good job beautiful soul. I believe in you” and she walked off and disappear into the air just like magic. Leaving a trail of hope, love and gold pix dust behind her. The judge excused me . I slowly rose off of the bench feeling, light, free and ready . The juries rose from their seats as well and started to file out of the court room. Before they left I saw the tears in their eyes as they all gave me a smile and thumbs up. I walked out into the noon day sun feeling revitalized, inspired and full of hope again. Gone was the feeling of shame, regret, pain and sorrow. It left my body the moment I started speaking my truth, I am no ones Victim and I will not play the victim card neither! I was a willing participant in my pain. I knew better and yet I chose to look away. I am proud of myself for acknowledging my truth. No matter what; today I have learned that the one person you should never lie to is yourself and if anything ever insults your soul you need to release it.

I am “Nothing”.

I knew it was coming and now It’s here I am depressed. I have slept my day away yesterday.I woke up at 7:30 in the evening to my son kissing my forehead. There is something brewing inside of me and I don’t like it. Every time I opened my eyes tears fell from them so I decided to go back to sleep to avoid the pain of thinking. When I finally woke up I could hear a voice inside my head loud and clear saying ” You are NOTHING and you will never be NOTHING”! I started crying. The word “nothing” is killing me slowly. I started thinking back to the conversation I had the night before and how it ended. It ended the way every other conversation ends with me crying and doubting myself and my existence.

I hate when people call me every name but my name. I am not just sexy, fine, freaky, alluring, captivating, beautiful or crazy. I actually am intelligent, inspiring, loving, kind- heart, compassionate, empathetic, a great mom and an all around amazing human being but all I get credit for is my looks or what I can do in the bed. I wish others knew how much that hurts my soul and decreases my value as a person. It makes me feel like that is all that I can offer to the world at times and I know in my heart that is a lie. Why is that all that I am chalked up to be? Why can’t people see more in me? Is it the way I walk, talk or act? Is the way that I talk, say my words or is it my crook smile that allures them? Is it the sway of my hip or the bounce of my breast that puts me in the zone of being sexually lusted after but never really loved or wanted or is there spiritual sexual demon attached to my soul?

My life has never been easy from the time I was a child. Ever since I was ten men in and around my family have always treated me like a sexual object or a piece of meat. I have never been looked at like an innocent child that needed love and protection. I developed early in my childhood and it was very noticeable. The moment that my body started changing the males in my life started changing as well. I was never looked at or loved for who I was but for what I looked like and what I could offer them sexually. Overtime, this dysfunction became my normal. I begin to think of myself as a body and not as a person with ideas, dreams and hopes. I begin to see myself as the sexual object that others projected me as. I have always known that there was more to me than meets the eye but people never took the effort to see if I had more to offer than my body.

I try so hard to show people that I am more than the flesh that is on my body that I am heart and soul and everything else beautiful. I have so much to offer humanity than a fuck or sexual experience. To be placed in that light is so dismissive and deplorable to my self- esteem. I know that self- esteem starts and ends with me but to have always been seen in this light has impacted me greatly. There came a time in my life that I accepted it and thought there was nothing more to me than that. Once I hit my 20’s I knew I had a killer body and that was my reality. Men flocked from all over to be seen with me, be in my presence or wanting to be in my bed. I was well a where by then that I was sexually appealing to the masses. I started seeing myself as others did by then. It is tragic but if that is all you know and have been treated since ten years old it is not dysfunctional thinking it is normal thinking.

I remember sitting in the park praying to God and asking him to make me fat and undesirable because I wanted someone to love me for me instead of the earthly shell that I was in. Fast forward two decades later, 30 pounds heavier and two kids later I am still viewed in the same manner. The only difference now is that I am a homebody and I do not receive the same attention outside of my home because I barely go outside because of my anxiety. However, my online presence has replaced it instead. I can’t begin to tell you how often I hear how fine or beautiful I am or how my eyes are full of lust. Not to mention how often men place unwanted penis picture in my inbox or how many couples ask me to participate in threesomes with them. How often I am looked at a sexual object of their online lust and thinking is unimaginable to me. No matter how I try to share with others my thoughts, ideas and more; I am still over looked and brought back to the one thing that always follows me; my sex appeal.

I am no spring chicken and I am still proud that I over all am still attractive. So don’t get it wrong but I want to be seen as more than what I look like and what I can do in the bed. My last relationship really did me in. I thought that I was in something with a person that accepted and cared about me as a person and I finally thought for once I mattered more than my body did. I thought that I finally was going to be appreciated for what Kidada and her mind and what I brought to the table but that was all a lie. Once again I was bamboozled. I went into it with a pure heart and open arms. I accepted the person for face value and for who they were at the time. I thought that if I was that open and honest that the person would be as well. However, I found out after 5 years that I too was a sexual conquest for them as well. They were more interested in what I could do in the bed just like everyone else. Five years is a long time to pretend to be invested into a person but I saw all the red flags but I chose to not only ignore them but flat out disregard them all together like a fool. I saw it for what it was but love made me dilute the truth and I accept that it’s more my fault than his because all the signs were there on full blast.

I wanted to believe in my mind that after all these years I was finally loved for who I was and not for what I brought to the bedroom. It was a big blow to my ego. It felt like I was molested all over again. He baited me. He wooed me. He pretended like he cared. I told him about my past and how I was so hurt from the other males in life. I shared with him all the things that I kept so close to my heart that hurt me. He appeared like a knight in shinning; offering me a lollipop and a lap to sit on. I was so invested in the thought of him and what he had to offer that I disregarded all the red flags just to feel like I was being loved finally for who I was . I saw when the disrespect crept in and I let it slide for a dream. I saw when it became blatant and yet and still I gave him a chance instead of walking away. When you are an abuse survivor you tend believe that you deserve what is happening to you. That you are bad one and that somehow it is all your fault. I know the advantage women would have bailed earlier but because of my background I am always apologizing and trying to understand the behavior of other people.

I know that it was a toxic and healthy relationship that I was in but I am used to toxicity from my family, father, mother, sisters, brother, father of my children and more that I tend to accepted toxic relationships as my norm. I seem to thrive in what is unhealthy because I don’t know any better nor have I experienced any better. From a child I was emotional and physically abused by my own father. He use to punch me in the face , drag me up concrete stair by my hair and beat me with anything in his eye sight and yet and still I loved him and wanted so desperately to be loved by him. No matter how many times he called me a bitch, stupid or his favorite ” I wish I would have let your mother abort you” I still craved his attention. When my uncles, cousin and other males started slipping in my room or bathroom unannounced and without warning I still just wanted to be seen as their little cousin or niece. When the camp counselor walked in on me showering at camp showing me his penis at 12 I was appalled yet I again just wanted to be seen as a child not a piece of meat. When no one would listen but instead send me to other family members house to get me out of their hair to only be treated like that from the males in that home too. It was like I could never escape it or I was a magnet for abuse from others I loved. I was always running away . I remember when My mother kicked me out and I landed in a foster home and I woke up to the foster father standing over me naked or telling my social worker who I trusted and in returned he tried to hit on me sexually too.

There are to many stories to write about at this given time but they all hold a place in my head and has shaped how I view myself, others, the world and how I view the men in my life. I have always accepted the unacceptable all my life from all the people in my life. Still believing that there was good even in them. even if they saw no good in me but my body. There have been some good men in my life too. I think I ran them off because I couldn’t believe that someone was being good to me or they didn’t have an agenda for me. I was scared to love them because I always thought that they were lying and would eventually show their true colors and reveal their true agenda for me . I lost them in the process of over thinking and thinking I did not deserve to be treated good. That was such a lie. I hate that I told myself that. By the time My children’s father came along I was sad and lonely and pursued him. I wanted to be the pursuer and not the pursed for once but of course I choose a man that was like my father. He cheated on me. He emotional and physically abused me too and finally left me to raise my children on my own.

After going through That I was celibate for 7 years and tried to emotional heal myself. I started therapy and tried to change my dysfunctional thinking. I really thought that I was making strives and doing better. It took me a while to come out of my shell and try something new. I wanted to see if I was a changed person. I wanted to see if I would see the red flags and walk away this time. I wanted to see if I would leave as soon as the abuse started. I wanted to see if I had more self respect for myself and loved myself more. What I learned from this last rodeo is that I am still not healed from my past as much as I thought I was. I am so in the need to feel loved that I still will put up with shit that is unacceptable. I understand that no matter how man red flags are thrown on the field that I will disregard them so I am not alone. I see that I am still chasing love and when love has left the table I am still at the table begging for left over scraps. I have learned that No matter how a person treats me I still look for the best in them even when there is nothing good inside of them or even if their actions say they are not. I know that is my pit fall. I always look for the good in others because no one looked for the good inside of me.

I am not ashamed to admit this to myself but I am ashamed to admit this to others. Life has made me feel like ” Nothing”. It has made me feel like I will never mean anything to anyone expect a good time in the bed. It has made me feel like I will never be loved in my life time for being who I am. Life has made me feel like I am everyone side piece desire but no ones marriage material. Life has made me feel like I needed to accept the abuse that has happened to me all my life as normal and move on because I am not worthy of anything better. Life has me thinking that love will forever allude me and appear in another women”s life because she is better than me in some way. I hate that life seem to hate me. It just seems like life has offered me up a plate of shit and that is all I will be ever offered no matter how good of a person I am. I would not sit here and pretend like I am not hurt or I don’t feel like shit. I have been crying for two days straight. So I know that I am hurt. It is a painful feeling to feel like you have nothing better to offer a man but my body. It feels shitty that I go unheard and unloved by others but my children. It feels bad knowing that I am settling for less than I deserve because I just want to be loved even if I have to hype it up in my head.

I am tired of living like my life is meaningless. I am tired of being half loved. I am tired of being a sexual object for thirty- five years now. I am tired of how easy it is for others to walk out my life and discard me like a bag of trash after they used me up and no longer deem me useful. I’ve had abandonment issue every since my mom left me as a toddler with my abusive father. I have never had anyone stick around long except my two beloved children. I am tired of accepting the unacceptable. I am tired of chasing AFTER LOVE. Maybe I am not meant to be loved or married. Maybe I am meant to love the people in my life. Maybe that is not my calling in life. Some people may not be here to be loved or feel love but to be the vessel of it to show others how love feels. I don’t want to accept this . Truly I don’t but I have been chasing after love for more than 30 years now and all it has given me is the love of my kids. I love that they are here don’t get me wrong. It’s because of them that I understand and have felt what unconditional love feels like. I love them so much but I am a women first and I would love to feel unconditional love from a man that I love and who’s love me too. I want to feel, loved, cherished, protected, cared for and appreciated for I am and not what I can do for them sexually.

I started of writing about how I felt like nothing. How I am depressed and that was what the voice in my head was saying to me. As this nears to a close. I know that that is far from the truth. I am “Someone”! I am not “Nothing”. I am a women of of great character. I have a lot to offer the world. I am kind, loving caring, inspiring, helpful and amazing. I am loyal, reliable, affection and would give the shirt of my back to help others. I have great and pure intention for others and I want what’s best for anyone in my life. I am an honest person that deserves what I give others. Just because life has handed me the shitty end of the stick; up until now doesn’t mean that it will always be like this. I know that I have a hell of a lot of work to do for myself. I can’t teach my daughter this toxic behavior or how to acceptable the unacceptable all in the name of love.

It’s okay to be lonely beloveds. It’s okay to be by yourself instead of being with someone that still makes you feel alone while they are there. It’s okay to be alone than with someone that is unemotional uninterested and unavailable to you. It’s okay to be alone than with someone that is disrespectful to you because you have allowed them to be that way for so long; that it’s okay with them because you made it that way. I have to learned that no matter what has transpired in my life thus far that I don’t have to accept anything less than I deserve. I deserve to be loved too. I deserve for a PERSON TO LOVE me the way that I love them. I deserve so much more than I give myself credit for. I don’t deserve to be half ass loved anymore. I need to be fully loved or not loved at all. No matter how much people have hurt me I don’t need to accept unacceptable behavior or abuse in my life just because that is all I know. I don’t need to look for the good in everyone anymore. I need to let them go once they show me that they are not a good person. I need to stop allowing my loyalty to keep me institutions that are not serving my soul anything thing but pain.

I understand that the voice in my head wants me to believe that I am unlovable and that my life has no meaning or purpose. I know that my depression is settling in and I don’t need to listen to the words that it is saying to me. It is hard at night for me the most. When I am laying there in the bed and the words and memories of my life start replaying every failure up until now and they being flashing and looping in my head like a never ending movie. I begin to cry and lose hope. True enough; I have to acknowledge my feelings but I don’t have to accept them for face value or the Holy Grail . I tend to give myself and love to people that are not worthy of me or anything I have to offer because l like they are under dogs like me. I have to change the way I see myself . I need to strip myself of all the projections and things people said and did to me and start seeing myself in a more positive light. I am not what happen to me. I am not what happened to me. I am not what people say I am. I am not what people say I am. I am not an sexual object. I am not a sexual object. I am a divine soul of light and love. I am love embodied in the flesh. I am lover of souls and humanity . Most importantly I am the lover of my own soul.

I am so much more than I give myself credit for. I am so much more than a person that settles for runner ups. I am a person that should be and will be loved , cherished. adored and protected. I will one day feel the power of genuine love. I will not have to feel the biter taste of struggle all my life. I will be accepted for who I am as a person and not who I am in the bedroom. I am more than “Nothing” I am “Someone” and I have always have been. I can’t allow my past to play a part in my glorious future. Thank God for life lesson coming back around to show me that I still have a lot of healing and work to be done. Thank God It has shown me that I am still that wounded little Girl still seeking approval, love, validation and approval from people that don’t deserve to breathe the same air that I breath. Thank God that I am well aware of my down falls and I not trying to cover them up or find an excuse for what I do. I know the reason why I do what I do. Now that I am aware of this I need to change. I know this is going to be painful inner work but It is much needed. I will never become the best version of myself if I avoid doing the dirty work and overlooking things in people so I can feel a piece of love.

As I write this I am feeling better for admitting my truth. For seeing where I need improvement and where I am still wounded. I don’t need to accept being half ass loved just because I want to feel something close to it. I know that every day will be different . I know some nights will prove to be difficult. I know that I will cry and ask why or what did I do wrong all over again. I know that I am going to want to take all the blame and see know wrong in others. I know that it will take time to heal from this too but what I what I have can to the conclusion this morning is that I am ” Something” and I should never feel like I am ” Nothing” because others do not see the value in me. I am more than enough even If I am not enough for the wrong person. I will be enough for the person who sees the beauty in what I have to offer. All that matters is that I see the worth and value in myself and that I keep improving myself for myself no matter who is or isn’t in my life. It’s not me who lost out . It is them who lost a genuine, loving and amazing human being. I don’t care what mental illness plagues my mind. I am stiller a stellar human being who deserve to be loved just as hard as I love others. I am going to pick myself up by the boot strap and forge on. I will not allow this pain or depression sway me or have me believing that I am not a great person that is here to make a impact on humanity just because an asshole made me feel differently. I hope that whomever is reading this understands that you too are more than enough ,, you are worthy, you are valuable and your existence is needed and and wanted. No matter what has happen to you in your past and now do not allow it to dictate how you act or move. Learn who you are without the pain. Learn why you do what you and how it effects you daily and make changes. You are Someone and if your mind is chanting the opposite to you don’t listen to the negative words. Call someone, reach out to someone , write out your feelings. Just do anything but believe that you are “Nothing” that is a big fat lie from the pits of hell! You are ” Someone” and you ” Matter”.

I can feel it coming..

I

I can feel it coming as the fog looms over my mind. I hear it in the distance like a steam engine train slowly coming down the train tracks ebbing closer and closer to me. I hear the sound of trains whistle drifting in the air; as it warns my mind that it’s coming to a stop near me. I hear the wind blowing and the air changing as we speak. I am starting to prepare my mind, body and children that it is coming and it will be arriving soon. I am not scared of it because the train has stopped here before; many times actually. It’s just that now I am more aware of it’s impending arrival and that has been my saving grace. I have not been sleeping well for days on end now. Who am I lying to? I haven’t been sleeping well for the past month. I have being enjoying my friend Miss. Mania for a while now. I know that partying with her to long is not good for my health but she is so enticing, fun a full of energy to me. The long night of no sleep are a breeze whenever she comes over to play. The boundless amounts of energy she gives me feels so damn good.

She is always filling my mind with endless thoughts and Ideas. I feel like I am on top of the world whenever she is around. To be honest I am in love with her. Have you ever been in love with something or someone that you know is toxic to you? You know that the relationship you share with this person is an unhealthy one but some how even that is intoxicating and exciting to you still? Well that is how I feel whenever Mania come to visit. However, just like always she is packing up her bag without warning and planning to leave. I am holding on to her for dear life because I know what is pulling up in my train station as soon as she leaves and I am not ready for her. I feel like I was dancing with the devil and I have earn whats to come. After all, partying with Miss. Mania comes with severe consequences.

As the fog lifts and I see the chimney stack of the train and the smoke bellowing above. I can’t see the loco motive yet but it is definitely coming. As I sit patiently for it to come I started asking myself all sorts of questions. Such as; why didn’t you make sure you took your medication Kidada? Didn’t you know that not sleeping would make matters worst? What about the death of your cousin four mornings ago? Didn’t you know that it was going to come and hit you like a ton of bricks? As the questions are pouring in I start looking at all the triggers that hit me this week too. Such as, My stove blew up out of the blue on Monday.Then my daughter is really depressed too and when she is depressed I am overly concerned for her always. Especially after she tried to take her life the last time. I have never been the same after that. At the same time I am watching my son go through his mania at rapid speed. Watching him has my head spinning and smoke pouring out of my ears.. He is rapid cycling as well and that is not only exhausting to watch but is even harder be a part of . He is up and down all day. It is hard to keep up with his mood swings. In his case I have front row seats to his mania show. It is a live act that never misses a beat. All the while I am also attending my daughter melancholy play that is bringing me down more.

I also had a misunderstanding and blow out with a person I care about and it reopened some old feeling and some old wound that I thought I was some what healed from. Come to find out that I really am not. So here I patiently sit waiting at the train station and writing these feelings out on my laptop. I am aware of it’s upcoming arrival but I am unaware of its arrival date and time. Yesterday I started feeling lost. I noticed I had a lost of interest in what normally excites me. I found that I can’t explain in words exactly how I feel because I don’t know how I feel. My energy has been replaced with exhaustion. My sleepless night are now replaced with endless bouts of sleep. You know the type of sleep that you can’t get enough of but at the same time it’s not enough? I remember waking up and making breakfast for my son at 6 in the morning and then waking up again at 8 in the morning to make breakfast for my daughter. When I regain consciousness again It was 3 in the afternoon and then again at 7 pm and I was still tired.

I can feel the agitation stirring up inside of me every time my phone sends me a text, a notification or if my phone rings period. I just don’t want to be bothered. I am already getting to the point that talking on the phone with someone is too draining to me and replying back to a text is painful to my fingertips to write. I know I can’t turn off my phone because I have kids but damn if I could I would. Every time the phone rang I wanted to scream and throw the phone. After I woke up I laid in my bed listless and disconnected. I could hear myself trying to motivate me to get up and eat and that didn’t go well because I didn’t have an appetite and I love to eat. Next I found myself having a conversation with myself about getting out of the bed. I was trying to explain to myself that I needed to go to bathroom, shower and brush my teeth. Well, that didn’t end well. I woke up two hours later to my son asking me was I okay.

I finally manage to get up close to 7 pm and I managed to crawl out of my bed thanks to my son and finally did what I needed to do for myself personally. Out of the blue in the shower tears began to fall like a waterfall. I was glad that the water from the shower head was falling on my face masking my tears and blending it together as one. Why the hell am I crying I kept asking myself? Where the hell did this come from? That is all I could ask myself. I hurried up and pulled it together before I walked out of the bathroom. I didn’t need my children to worry about me. After all; I am the adult and I need to have it all together for them. My day started at 9 pm tonight; the same time that my youngest is getting prepared for bed. I felt bad that I was vacant mentally and emotionally for her. So I pulled it together enough to listen to her talk about her day and for her to ask if I could text her therapist because she is depressed too and she needs to talk to her. I hopped right on that and threw my shit to the side to be there for her until she fell asleep.

I know what’s coming. I know when the train pulls into my station it will dock for a while. Who know how long the lay over will be this time. I can only hope that it will not be long and it will not consume me. I don’t have time for this. I am a single mom. They need me here and I need to be alert, focused and present. Not crying , sleeping and pulling away from the two souls that I love the most. I need to here to get my baby through her dark time and here for my son during his manic time. The school year is coming to an end. One is leaving High school and the other is entering high school. This alone is stressing them out as children. I wish someone was here for me like I am there for them. I wish I had someone I could come home to; who could just be here to hold me, understand me, listen to me, motivate me and just be here to stroke my hair as I cry on their lap.

I hate feeling empty, tired and listless. I hate feeling lost, sad, disappointed and lifeless. I hate feeling motionless and non-motivated. I hate the fact that the sun is slowly becoming my enemy and the darkness is quickly becoming my best friend. I hate looking at food and getting sick to my stomach or drinking water that never quenches my internal thirst for life . I hate the feeling of hating the things I love doing like working out, reading or just having energy to get through my day. I hate feeling unproductive and lazy because my body and mind does not want to cooperate and be on one accord. Most off all I hate that my bedroom is being my tomb and my bed is becomes my casket and sleeping all day becomes my normal all over again. I am not ready for that train to pull in . I don’t want it to stop here but I know that it’s on it’s way. All I can do is buckle up and brace myself for it. I have already spoken to my children and told them that my train is coming in and laying over for a while.

Soon my phone will begin to ring and I will not be able to answer it. The in people in my life will beginning assuming that I am ignoring them and I won’t have enough energy to start explaining myself to others; that I am not ignoring them. I will start silently retreating from everyday life and the Vibrant colors in my life will slowly start fading to a dreary and dull gray color. I am not scare of what’s coming . I just hate how negative, sad and empty it makes me feel. This is why I welcome Mania. I hate to admit it but I prefer to ride the highs of life with her than ride the lows of life with the other one. I hear the train coming closer and closer. I can hear the faint whistle in the distance. I see the smoke of depression bellowing from the chimney stack as it nears my stop. I am not ready but I am prepared and I hope the lay over is not long.

Stop settling for less than you deserve!!!!!

You are a Queen.

My dear sweet Kidada, Please remember that you can’t be too sweet and keep allowing people to walk all over us. Sour the hell up! act like the warrior Queen that you are. You need to Know when to shake the soft shit off of you and unleash the hard version of yourself. Kidada; we are not meant to be everyone’s go-to, we are not the one to give the take, take, take.. while smiling sweetly. We are not the problem solver, advice giver,a bag of handouts for all the reachers and takers who never give back you with so much as a smile or thank you to you. That is not who we are. You give all the best parts of yourself away and no one stops to think that maybe your whole life is falling apart… but you keep giving and giving. When was the last time that anyone asked how you were doing Kidada and actually waited on an answer?

Kidada; I understand that you are a kind-hearted person but everyone doesn’t deserve your time, effort or love if they can’t reciprocate or match your same efforts or intensity. I know that you want to see the best in everyone but honestly, sweetie, if they show you that they are not good.. believe it for face value. Stop looking for the good in people when they clearly are not good human beings. Stop giving them reasons and excuse for their actions or inactions. Stop overlooking the red flags that are littering your mind and trying to catch your attention and warn you. Stop looking the monster dead into their eyes and hoping to see a Prince. Stop Kidada. I hate how much you invest your time, love and heart into people that are not willing to do the same to you or for you. Why are you still believing their words if time, and time again their actions do not match their words? They keep coming up short or giving you an excuse for their behavior? Why are you not listening to your gut feeling or your intuition? I try hard to send you signals. I know that you feel them and yet you still ignore them.

Are you afraid? Have you lost your confidence in yourself? Are concerned that you are getting older and you will grow old alone? Where did your self- esteem go? Do you think that you have the ability to change someone with your kindness, understanding, and love? I really hope that is not the reason. Look how long it took for you to reconnect to me and your authentic self. It has proven to be a daunting task for you, yet you think it will be an easy task to change another person that is not ready to change or see no reason to change. You have to learn when to get up from the table when love is not being served anymore. You deserve everything that you offer to others in return. I see how hard you go for others. I see that there is nothing you wouldn’t do for the person you love. I see that you are lacking something very crucial too. Do you know what that is? Let me tell you beloved. You are lacking boundaries. Where the hell are your boundaries Kidada? Without boundaries, people will take full advantage of you and run all over us. Without boundaries, people will have a lack of respect for you. Do you want that? Setting firm boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person. Instead, it keeps bad people from hurting or disrespecting you.

I hate how you know when a situation is not right yet you still stay there trying to work it out. How did that work for you in your previous relationships? If I can recall you stayed 4 years longer than you should have with your last relationship. You knew it wasn’t what you wanted but you stayed for the benefit of the kids and him. I remember how miserable you were. I remember how you looked for all the reason to stay instead of all the reasons to leave. I was finally proud of you when you put on your big girl panties and left. I know it was hard starting over with your two kids but I watched you do it for yourself and your kids. Stop wasting our time. I dwell with inside you so you are wasting my time too. I am missing out on our soul connection because you are chasing clowns. A clown will never be a king because that is not his make up. Stop friggin crowning clowns that can’t bear the weight of the crown.

You have a knack for falling in love with potential. You are not a dog catcher. Stop rescuing stray animals and bringing them home. It is not your job to train a man. That is the job of his mother. Just like you are raising your son to be a good man for his wife; their mother should have done the same. You can’t take a man off of the clearance rack in Goodwill and expect him to act expensive. It is what is and you need to accept it and walk away or stay there and not complain. You knew what they were from the jump. It was you thinking that your love would be enough to make them change into what you wished they were. You can’t play house anymore at this point in your life. We are not getting any younger. Stop taking on the loyal wife role to a man who has not earned it or who hasn’t given you his last name. Stop feeling like you have to be the pleaser in all arena’s while he sits back on the sidelines enjoying and reaping all the benefits just because.

It is clear to me that you love deep, long and hard but baby girl, everyone should not have the luxury to experience your type of love if they are not willing to reciprocate it in return. Leave them alone and let them go love the ordinary, not the extraordinary likes of you. You can’t give a person a champagne type of love if they are used to having a Kool-Aid type of love. Stop dumbing yourself down to meet them at the bottom. Make them climb the latter and meet you where you are. You are going to hate me for the next line I write but I don’t care!! Kidada Kendrick. You settle way too much for me. I believe that you see yourself as an underdog instead of the Queen that you are, and that’s what makes you select the men that you do. Instead of looking for a King in kingly places you are actively searching for all the animal shelters to rescue the dogs that are about to be put down. You are not here to save a man, make a man or teach a man how to be your man. He is supposed to be a real man before you meet him.

I know this is a touchy subject for you but you need to be honest with yourself. You want to believe that you have good taste in men but Girlie you do not! Let me brutely honest with you. Your taste is horrible. I just don’t understand how such beautiful women as yourself with a dope ass soul ends up with all the underdogs. Stop looking at the external part of men and pay more attention to the internal parts of them. Search their souls. Find their truth, learn their beliefs and see if our souls align as one. Stop taking everyone for face value. People have a knack for showing you what they think you want to see or they show you what they want you to see in them. Pay attention to how a man treats you it will reveal how he truly feels about you. If their word doesn’t match their actions get the hell out of there before it is too late. Don’t stick around hoping against hope that one day they will see the value and worth in you. If you can’t see your worth or value then neither can they.

I understand that the male figures in your life were a poor example in the love department for you. I know that you are used to abuse feeling like love but that is far from love its dysfunctional and learned behavior that you must let go of. No man should treat you like your father and you are okay with it because it is your normal. Make it abnormal. Train your mind to see love in a different light. It’s time to dig deep and search deep within for what it is that is good for you. Go where you are celebrated and not where you are tolerated, my beautiful queen. Stop searching for Kings in the circus. All you will come out with is a clown. I know this hard for you. Miss. “I believe there is some good in every soul. No pretty lady; every soul is not good and every soul is not worthy to breathe the same air that you breathe. I love you so much Kidada. Don’t be mad at me for exposing your truth. Face the truth head on and make a change before it is too late!

I love you; your beautiful soul.