There are many voices in my head that talk down to me belittles me and steals my hope and dreams but they all come to me in a familiar voice of my own. This morning I will share with you what she is saying. be weary of the negative voices that talk to you too. they aren’t from you.. learn to slowly kill those imposter voices and find your own authentic voice which resides inside your soul.

” Hey Kidada the thing you want most; will never be made available to you in your life time”. “So give it up it baby girl” it says to me in a taunting, condescending and monotone voice. ” No one will ever love you: just look at how hard it was for your very own parents to love you” it reminds me as it strokes my hair and gestures to me to lay down and relax on miseries lap. ” Lmaoooooo who’s going to love a moody, Bipolar, single parent, no degree having anxiety riddled mess like you “? She goes on question me. I wanna run from her but how can I run from the very voice that lives in my mind? I begin to acknowledge the voice when I know that I shouldn’t but her voice is getting louder by the second. I turn on the music and try to drown out he negative voice but she is persistent and wants to make her point tonight.

“Kidada look at you; you are getting old; getting out of shape and riddled with physically pain” ” By the time you get a man you will be going into menopause and what good will you be then to any man’? ” After all ;that is all any man want’s from your ass anyways”! ” Don’t cry baby girl you have known this to be your truth since you were ten’. ” What is the difference now” she asked me? ” Go a head and try to say that they love your energy, vibe or spirit”.. Lmaoooooooo I dare you she says in a loud tone. You know that you are only worthy of one thing and one thing only; so stop pretending like they like you for your mind, thoughts or anything else that they see in a good women. You are not a good women like them; they will always be better than you”

“I hate that you think that you are smart, special, beautiful and Compassionate. You are none of those things to me”. You are not your sister she is the smart one in the family; just like your mother was” ” For every degree they have; all you have are life learning lessons” “you are not much and you will never ever amount to shit” “All you will be is a mother to your children and they are getting older now and now you won’t be shit”. The voice is not letting up ” I see that you think you can write” ” Nope that is a bunch of Bullshit” Stop writing your business for others to share with” . ” They actually don’t think you can write; I mean with all your mistakes, grammar issues and more; you might as well hang it up” ” Who the hell told you that your writing will amount to shit; you never amounted to shit and neither will your writing ” she yells at me in a drunken stupor. Her loud voice starts in; blaring and bellowing over my music I am playing right now. . She wants to be heard. She wants me to hear her so she can drags me down :”Sadness and Defeat street” by my feet; kicking and scream; until she binds my hands and feet and gages my mouth so I can not speak. She only leaves my ears untouched and my eyes open; always using her ophthalmoscope to check my optic nerves, lens, and retina for changes and a tool that keeps my eyes open so I have no choice but to envision every single words she says; as it comes to my minds eye in discomfort.

I want to scream, I have always wanted to scream and tell that damn voice to shut the hell up ever since I was child. Some days I can ignore it , drown it out and pretend like it isn’t there. Other days she is loud, vicious, vociferous opinionated , rude and also negative. On those days she creeps in like a thief in the night on my most vulnerable days. like when I am depressed, sad, overwhelmed or in a crisis when I already feel low about myself . These days are hard for me because on these days I believe every single thing she says to me. I begin to believe her words; like a child that believes in Santa Claus crossing the globe in one single night ; bring presents down the chimmy to of all the good girls and boys ; with all my hearts. I start believing that I am a worthless, damaged, damaged soul that has no reason to be alive; let alone be unconditionally loved by anyone other than my son and my daughter.

I don’t want to believe it and on most days but on certain days I do for sure. I look at my beauty fading away, the bags under my eyes slowly trying to appear without my consent, my body getting bigger and racked with pain. When I sit alone I feel it the worst. I start looking at all my accomplishments or lack there of and I am sad that I have not lived up to my full potential, my dreams or my goals . I am contently reminded of all the greatness that resides in me but she always hampers that one great thought by telling me that I will die with all my dreams and goals like everyone else.

This morning I need her ass to know that even thought I am getting older and my outer beauty is fading ; My inner beauty is blossoming , blooming and becoming more radiant as life goes on. I am a human being who is wrapped in love and who embodies and personifies love in my earthly shell. The love that I give away to others and complete strangers comes from a pure , genuine, authentic and honest place of light and love. If I give this love out without hesitation and sprinkle it on whomever and wherever needed it has to divinely come back to me by the Universal laws of Karma. So I will never stop loving my children, people who need it and people that are in my life just because it has not been genuinely returned by many to me. I am captivating, alluring, sexy, beautiful, eccentric and odd. I am smart, sexy in my own skin and body weight too. No matter if I am gaining weight or losing weight I can carry my weight like the sexy goddess that I am. yes; I am getting older but even that too is a blessing. After all so many people do not get a chance to be forty four and as for all the pain; whelp at least I am alive to feel pain; hell to feel anything at all.

I know that I am not married yet but I am marriage material. I would make a splendid wife. I am a great cook, prayer warrior and an edification goddess . I am kind, compassionate, caring, empathic, loving, loyal, faithful and one hell of a sexual beast in the bedroom. I know that just because I have kids doesn’t mean that a man would not desire me or want to make me his wife. There are plenty men and women that get married everyday that blend their families together. So why can’t I? Yes; why Lie I am an emotional mess, one hell of a monstrous roller coaster ride; all rolled up in a mental illness corn tortilla wrap but that is not all that encompasses me. There are so many different layers, dimensions and levels to me that life would never be dull, mundane, boring or uneventful . I am smart, intelligent and emotionally intelligent too. I have to remind myself that I have come along way and how proud I really am of myself tackling hard shit all alone without the aide of a support group of sorts.

I know that theses voices are not voices that I placed inside my head. Theses are voices that comes in a familiar voice/ voices and a tone that is similar to my own . However, the truth of the matter is that theses words and voices come from the degrading, hurtful and cut throat words of my father and mother growing up. They cut deeply and changed my very perception of myself overtime.. It comes from hearing the debilitating and condescending voice and words of my older sister who always told me I was dumb and not as smart as her growing up or all I had to offer the world was my beauty and body.. The voice from my other older sister that made me feel ashamed and embarrassed of myself for the poor choices and mistakes I made in my teenage years. As if she never made any bad choices or mistakes in her life. It came in a Manish and pedophile type voice from my oldest brother, uncles, men, camp counselors that didn’t see me as a little girl or older women when they attempted to sleep with me. I know that theses voices are not my own thoughts or voices telling me about myself and yet I still listen to them intently as if they know what they are talking about.

Knowing is half of the battle. At least I know that the voice in my head do not belong to me. Now it’s time to change the voice and narrative to my voice and my words and start believing in myself instead. I wrote this because I know that I am not alone hearing all the negative things said about myself. We tend to be the hardest and harshest critics about ourselves too. Just like me I need you to learn to deifier the words and voices that are talking down to you about you. See if those voices are voices from your past, from your parents, hurtful family members, children, teachers, spouses or you and if they are coming from you. Figure out where they came from or how you came up with that negative thought about yourself. You are designed to be here for a monumental reason that only you can fulfill. Do not allow those negatives voices and words to dictate your future . Do not go to the grave with all your hopes , dreams and goals like many before you. You have a calling and a destiny with your name on it that will help humanity in some sort of way, shape or form. Stay vigilant and aware of your thoughts. Remember that if you don’t take care of your thoughts. your thoughts will take care of you.

I am not Crazy. I am just Touched by life’s Filthy and Unapologetic hands.

All my life I have heard the word ” Crazy” attached to my name from one family member to another. From a co-worker to a boss and from people I cared about to the father of my two beloved souls. As I grew up that word grew silently into the core of my being and I believed that I was truly insane, bat shit crazy and deranged. Up until now. I have a new out look on that word and how it pertains to me and other souls like myself. Before I continue with my thought. Please allow us a moment to exam the word in its self and how Websters Dictionary defines the word ” Crazy”.

The adjective for the word “Crazy” is as followed; 1.mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way.”Stella went crazy and assaulted a visitor”

The synonyms are as followed:mad, insane, out of one’s mind, deranged, demented, crazed, lunatic, unbalanced, unhinged, unstable, disturbed, distracted, mad as a hatter, mad as a March hare, stark mad, off one’s head, out of one’s head, off one’s nut, nutty, nutty as a fruitcake, off one’s rocker, not (quite) right in the head, round the bend, raving mad, stark staring/raving mad, bats, batty, bonkers, cuckoo, loopy, loony, bananas, loco, dippy, screwy, with a screw loose, touched, gaga, doolally, up the pole, not all there, off the wall, out to lunch, not right upstairs and one that is not right in the head,

Now let’s exam the word the other word people call me which is insane. What defines a person to be called or referred to as insane? The answer is as followed; mental illness of such a severe nature that a person cannot distinguish fantasy from reality, cannot conduct her/his affairs due to psychosis, or is subject to uncontrollable impulsive behavior. Insanity is distinguished from low intelligence or mental deficiency due to age or injury.

Now that we got that out of the way. Let me speak my peace on this subject. As a young child my first experience of knowing that I was different was at an elementary school conference in which a teacher suggest to my father I needed medication to sit still and focus. My father being of African American decent was highly offended . He believe there was nothing a wooping at home couldn’t cure. He also didn’t believe in black people seeking any outside help, taking medication or talking to a therapist . So he said no and my school career went south from there. The next time I was presented with another moment that something wasn’t quit right is when my mother put me into the hospital for thirty days to get me evaluated for mental illness at the age of eleven.

That is the first Time I heard the word “Bipolar” in my life. From that moment on I dismissed it after I got out and went on about my life as normal. Two decades later I was getting myself check out for mental illness and that infamous word rose from the dead again and I heard; Yes you have Bipolar one, Depression, PTSD, Anxiety and ADHD too. I finally had a reason for what I had been experiencing all my life. I finally understood why I was having rapid mood swings, angry bouts, repressed memories, sexual escapades, deep bouts of depression and swinging high on the Mania spectrum. I was relieved that there was a reason why I was acting the way I was.

So against my fathers wishes I started therapy, taking medication on and off and learning about my mental illness too. This was an eye awaken moment for me fore sure. However recently I started hearing the word ” Crazy ” being attached to my name again by my last Boyfriend. I was so offended that I started to feeling like I needed to see why people viewed me in that manner but before I did that I ran and hid from my mental illness once again for the last year. I stopped taking my medication and tried to act like what I considered to be ” normal” ( Being normal is so mundane and overrated if you ask me. I was looking at another definition of “Crazy “that some what fits me. According to Merriam Webster Dictionary ” Crazy” means ” full of cracks and flaws. Not mentally sound; marked by thoughts or actions that lacks reason; insane sense. Being out of the ordinary. I am eccentric and out of the ordinary for sure.( lol ) I am also full of flaws and cracks by life but who isn’t? However; I don’t lack action , thought or reasoning unless I am in a manic phase or in deep depression but not in my everyday life.

The reason why that word plagues me is because of context behind the word sounds so bad. I think all of us are touched by some kind of mentally illness; whether we believe or not. As for me I don’t want to look like I am Crazy in the bad sense of the word. I do however like to be seen as odd, eccentric, different, strange and out of the ordinary because I am and I love being this. I don’t however like when people feel like they can call me Crazy in the fit of an argument, rage or when someone is trying to be condescending and mean spirited to me. There was a time when hearing someone call me that brought a flood of tears to my mind and they cascaded ever so slowly from my eyes like a slow and steady leak from a leaky faucet pipe . I felt disrespected and like I was not made whole in some way. It always made me feel indifferent in my thinking.

I started dating a young man that I spoke of earlier and just like all of the other men I dated; eventually at some point of time he called me crazy too. After a while it became a routine to hear him say that to me over and over again. It felt like I was watching the same movie stuck on one part always in reverse. In beginning I cried; then over time I started to embrace it. As crazy as it sounds. I figured I must be crazy after all because everyone that I came into contact with called me that. Around this time I stopped taking my medication again. I told myself that I really didn’t need it; if after all; I am naturally crazy. I hated taking my medication anyways at this point . It made me feel like a walking zombie in a world that resembled The Wizard of Oz”. I was living in a magical world full of color, beauty and splendor yet I was not able to interact in my world because I felt like a dull, colorless zombie bit by my Ablify Bipolar medication who zapped my energy and kept me on the sidelines of life. I hated how the medication took my ” Four course meal” of an sexual appetite and swapped it with lap band. If you don’t know what a Lap ban is ; it is an inflatable silicone band that’s surgically placed around the top of the stomach to limit its ability to expand. It physically restricts the amount of food you can eat before feeling full, so you eat less and lose weight over time. Well in so many words It did just that. It physically restricted the amount of sex I usually enjoy and over time I lost total interest in sex as a whole.

So there I was enjoying being call crazy, enjoying my extreme highs and hating my lows. I was full of color as I walked in to the Emerald city wearing the most beautiful shear colored Emerald dress made just for me by me. I felt on top of the world. At least so I thought; that is until my lows started coming more frequently and spending more time in my mind than normal. After my last bout of depression I restarted taking my medication against my boyfriends wishes. Oh how he loved the wild sex, the endless conversations and all the color I brought to his life but he hated the depression, the lows, arguing and being overly emotionally at the drop of a dime. This is when I started doing some inner work. I started looking at the word ” Crazy” and why I felt the way I did about it. I started looking at Bipolar in a new and different way. Not in the way of how I felt but how I made others feel when I was rapid cycling, depressed or in a manic phase and how I empacted them emotionally, physically and mentally too. I started Reading more about my mental illnesses and watching documentaries about Bipolar people in their interpersonal relationships with friends, family and spouses and how it looks and feels like to them dating a person like me or being a sister, mother, daughter or friend to me.

I remember crying after watching them. I felt humanly bad for putting the people I love through so much mental anguish. I didn’t know that is what I looked like or sounded like. I instantly called everyone I loved and apologized for my actions that I knew would reappear and disappear without warning again. Next I started looking at the way I view my medication and therapy . I loved my Therapist. Mrs. Tammy was the only person in the world who truly knew my inner workings and never judged me . ( Even though I know that is a required part of her job) But she was different , authentic and genuine even. She made me look at my life, thoughts, reasons and more for what they where and not what I thought it was. She really helped me become a better person to myself. It is between her and my boyfriend that I started to take charge of my mental illness once and for all. She always said ” I am not Bipolar; I have Bipolar symptoms but that isn’t who I am.” It was a just a small part of me that made up who I was with all of the other amazing things that made me : “me” . As for my boyfriend; I decided that was the last person who would send me home crying again after calling me crazy. I took a stand that day and acknowledged to everyone in m y life on and off line that didn’t know I was dealing with Bipolar, ADHD, panic Attacks, Anxiety and PTSD too.

At first I was so ashamed and embarrassed to admit to others that I was so flawed mentally. Then I felt like others would look at me differently or view me in a manner that was unbecoming of me personally. As I became more and more accepting of my illness I started becoming happier with myself. I started a Facebook page called ” The Rantings of an Eccentric mind”. It is a place where I share my thoughts, my struggles with life, single parenting , my mental illness, parenting tips, videos about different mental disorders and funny memes about them too. Next I started my blog on Word press and I felt so free. Now if some one calls me crazy . I just sit back and have a hardy belly laugh from deep within my gut. The bottom line is that I was not born this way. I was made this way over time. I am not Crazy in the whole sense of the word but crazy in some sense of the word. I am however touched by life. I have been touched mentally by people that I trusted and loved who hurt me, abused me, molested me, raped me or beat me and mentally and emotionally abused me as well.

Over time I developed different personalities that helped me get through my pain. I had Kai that was the strong one; who never took shit from anyone. is the one that helps me stay on point with my bills, life and other tough shit back then and to this day. I have Mystic that is young and innocent that keeps that part of me happy, whimsical, jovial and keeps my child like wonder alive. Even though she was the persona that was `hurt, molested, raped and abused by her family members. Sunshine is just that . The personality that is full of love , light, peace and joy. She keeps me optimistic, happy and full of faith no matter what life looks like to my naked eye. I love and need them all . We are all one who makes up Kidada Kendrick.

It’s as if my mind shattered into 4-5 different parts to protect me from all the pain I was enduring from my childhood and teenage years. I love them for that and I love my mind and brain for compartmentalizing, hiding, and protecting me from myself and others. If it wasn’t for my mind doing what it did. I wouldn’t be here today writing about it. I could have been dead, a drug addicted, a child molester, a prostitute, all four or worst but instead I am a phenomenal mother, a great human being, a loving, compassionate, empathic and caring soul that advocates for men, women and children that has been abused in any way . People forget why they are being hurtful and why people are the way they are.

If my father didn’t scream and shout at me all the time loud noises, loud voices or loud sounds wouldn’t make me so jumpy and scared of others who talk to me in the same way.. I hate confrontation because of the same reasons too. I became passive aggressive because of this. My father was mentally , physically and emotionally abusive. Over time I became used to the physically abuse. I thought that he loved me and that’s why he did that to me. Every relationship I have been in has treated me like my father because that is all I knew and all I was accustom to it too. My abnormal was my normal. At one pointed I wondered if a man loved me if he wasn’t jealous, overbearing, threating, abusive and loud like my father. If a man didn’t do those things, I would provoke him to be. Once I started to see this in myself. I started doing some hardcore inner work.

I am not crazy. I am scared, unsure, abused and treated like I was a dumb rag doll for men’s enjoyment. I am not crazy I am a person that has flaws and cracks in her mind because of nasty minded human beings put them there not because they aren’t self inflicted by me. I wouldn’t be so overly emotional in certain areas and not in others if I saw my parent display healthy emotions or even if they displayed emotions at all. They were both so matter factly or emotionally unavailable to show me how to handle my own emotions because they couldn’t handle their own. My father was also abusive to my mother too. She high tailed it and left him and moved to California and sent us back to the same man that abused her when I was two years old.

If my father didn’t put me on a plane decades later (to the same mom in California who abandoned me decades earlier) when he couldn’t handle me and she left me there in LAX for a week without coming to get me. When they finally reached her by phone she told the police ‘ If you bring her here she will be leaving in a body bag”. They had no other choice but to put me in a foster home and a group home and award me the state of Florida. if That didn’t happen to me and so much more ; I wouldn’t have abandonment and stability issue now. I wouldn’t be sabotaging every single relationship I have been in or holding on to every unhealthy relationship I have been in just so someone would not leave me even if I know that I should be leaving them.

Everything that has happened to me has made me into the women I am today. It has also inspired my mental illness as well. Even though my mom’s side of the family has a history of severe mental illness. So I was prone to be on the receiving end of it by the laws of nature but my abuse , pain and struggles sped them up in my opinion . I am not Crazy. I am touched by life’s dirty hands and dark shadows that lurked under the cloak of darkness. From all of the hands that touched my innocent body, hurt my innocent body, beat my innocent body, torchuered my innocent soul, mind and spirit. I am a product of my environment, a product of my dysfunctional family and upbringing and a product of hereditary mental illness.

I am not crazy … Just touched by life. There is a differences; so please stop calling me that and start calling me brave, a warrior, a solider, a phoenix rising out of the burn ashes. I am doing the best I can with the hand that life dealt me. I am not Crazy in the bad sense of the word. I am crazy in the good sense of the word. I am odd, eccentric, different, original and unordinary. Please use that word ” CRAZY” sparingly with others in your life too. You never know what they are going through , have been through and what has made them appear crazy in your eyes today. To all the people that foolishly called me crazy. I just wanted you to know that I am not crazy. I was just unfairly touched by lifes’s filthy hands.

It’s okay not to be okay.

I woke up to empty bottles scattered all over my bed and chip bags clinging to my wet and clammy hot Florida skin. I heard myself say at 10:23 am “ Get up Kidada” as I drifted away into a lucid like dream state. I felt my mind trying to fight it as my body slowly drifted off to sleep. Again I woke up and drank from one of the many bottles scattered in my bed. I looked out side the window and I saw the sun shining so brightly through my dark tightly drawn curtains. I was so angry with the sun shining so brightly on my untidy surroundings not to mention the tall layers of lush and beautiful grass growing every so greatly in my backyard. Reminding me of the reasons why I have been in bed for the last three days and haven’t been able to cut the grass in so long. As I stared out of the window looking at the grass I could imagine a lion in awaiting ready to pounce on me like a poacher ready to kill him. It hid ever so quietly in the tall grass like in African waiting for the chance as I drifted back to sleep again. Once again I fought it. I told myself to get up and stop sleeping my day away. As I wrestled with my mind and body not to go back to sleep and begin to tell myself all the reasons why I should be getting up and start my day; I fell back to sleep. I recall telling myself “ baby girl; you are depressed”. I was startled awake by the front door opening and my youngest child walking into house after three from school. As she jumped on the bed telling me about her day. Her voice was piercing my ears making it feel like blood was pouring from my ears from all her happiness. It was then I acknowledged my state of mind and how I got here. Instead of her cheerful voice being me joy like it always has in the past; instead this time me brought pain, resentment and sadness. I just wanted her to stop talking so I could go back to my silent place of darkness and sleep. This is not the case most days. I actually can’t wait for my kids to come home to hear all their stories of what is going on in the world around me while I sit in hiding.

Usually I am well aware when my depression is coming. I wrote a piece about that before but this time I was I kinda shell shocked this time around. Everyone who knows me understands that August is a bad month for me because my parents both passed away two years and two weeks apart from one another. My father passed away on the day that my daughter starts her first day back to school and my mother passed away on my daughters birthday two weeks later. It is particularly tough for me because I wasn’t there for any of them when they passed away or there to say my last good byes before they were laid to rest. I have not honestly dealt with them passing away yet; because my life as a single parent never skips a beats and I honestly do not have time to think about myself let alone the death of my two parents. So as August came creeping in I started to notice that I was slacking on my house chores and lawn work too. The pain; the pain; omg the pain surging though my body is so surreal too. Half of the time I am unable to sleep through the pain, ( unless I am depressed or doped up on Pm pain pills) I am unable to walk up right or walk in general without the pain from my sciatic nerve screaming and the blood clot in the same leg reminding me just how close we have became as friends tangled up in a on going dance of the Tangle and a slow dance entwined as one.

If that is not enough my stability is being snatched out from under the feet of myself and my family out of the blue. I have the uncanny knack of not opening up my mail until I am ready to deal with what is staring back at me. This time I choose the wrong time to do that. While walking through my house I found a letter on the counter top from the Tallahassee Housing authority. I decided at 4 am that I wanted to open it. When I opened it; I found out the house that I am living in from Hud Housing will no longer be available to me. I get help from the government with my housing at the moment.I am not ashamed to admit as a single parent of two kids; with no help from my family or their dad that I needed housing help. I was in a relationship that was abusive in more ways then many before I landed in this house. I finally got up the nerve to leave with my kids and moved into a shelter for two years before I finally got on my own place to live. However, we all know that when you get governmental assistance that at any given day they can do just what they are doing to me and my family at a drop of a dime. I was taken back by the letter. I couldn’t sleep for two days because I was wondering how I would break this to my daughter who just started her first day of high school and my son who’s both jobs are on this side of town. Not to mention that all their friends are in this area too. This is all they have known for the last nine years. I started crying quietly in the Livingroom dreading the thought of telling them.

Next came my day in court. Finally!!. Finally I was going to court for child support after 11 years of this man not helping me. I was so nervous and afraid of the outcome because every time I went in the past the judge always cut him a break and gave him another choice to redeem himself ; which after he walked out of court he went back to not paying me or paying me very little. As I walked in there I noticed that he wasn’t there. My kids are old enough to go to court with me and they both wanted to go so they could tell the court and their father just how hard life is because of his actions. My kids where so sad that they didn’t get their day in court to share their feeling. However; I was able to speak on their behalf and the judge decieded to give him a blue writ( a warrant) for not showing up to court and for not paying his child support. He also mention how three hundred dollars a month for two kids was asinine and he wanted to know who set the bar so low. I was excited when I walked out of there because I thought that someone finally heard my cry and they were actually listening to me but that didn’t prove to be right. For some reason they took off the warrant and allowed him to go back paying what ever he could if he could and that ate me up too.

Life said to me “ Oh baby that’s not enough” Let me break down your car, your dryer and snatch your health why I am at too! “ let me see just how strong you really are beloved” the universe said to me. I have more just sit back and see. As August starts to get into the second week. I noticed that my son has a letter from the Government regarding his tax returns that he has been waiting the last five months for. They needed proof that the person he was claiming was his actually sister. Which she is. I understand that people in the past have defrauded the government claiming kids that where not theirs but this was no such case. He is owed almost five thousands dollars and he is unable to touch it because of this craziness. We have sent every piece of information in to the IRS in regard to the claim but they are still making him wait; even threaten to garnish this poor 19 year old’s check from the last years taxes that were awarded to him in 2017- 2018 . So I have been filing paper work for the year before and giving them what they need for the current year too. I am no tax expert and I do not have a tax lawyer to help me understand what is going on and what we need to do. Do you know how much that five thousands dollars could help this family right now?

My son is working eighteen hour day between two jobs. He is spending roughly two- hundred dollars on uber rides every two weeks. My light bill is killing me because of a recent leak my already high bill is now even higher. I can barely afford to pay the three- hundred and fifty a month as it it but with the leak that they haven’t fixed yet; is almost five hundred dollars this month. How do you explain to your high schooler that money is too low for new school clothes , school supplies and shoes? Well hell; you don’t .I had to pay the rent, light bill and phone bill first and foregoes buying food until two weeks later when my son gets payed. Between me and her case manger we were able to make her smile and get what she needed. I felt happy Until I saw her $4,000,00 school field trip paper work to london, her school fees and her violin bill that just went up $25.00 more dollars too. Just as I was able to breath for two seconds. My son’s medical insurance dropped him the day after he turned 19. I was given no notice until after I tried to call in his medication and it was denied. My son has Bipolar and AdHD too and he needs his medication to function properly and there I was waiting for him to come home to tell him this new set of news. While we share the same diagnosis I decided to give him my medications until I was able to fix this new problem. While I am trying to fix this problem I have another problem brewing which was me.

I need my medication to function just like he does but how could I allow him to go without his medication working an eighteen hour shift; six days a week? I just couldn’t; so I did what any other mother would do. Put their child first. I was able to finally fix the insurance and on the eighteen of this month he will be able to go get his medication. In the interim I have been without my Bipolar medication for a while now. The thing is; my bipolar falls under raging manic modes and small bouts of depression that last no longer than a week or better. This goes the same for my son as will but the only difference he has from me is anger issues; that dwells deeply inside his soul from the pain of his father’s absence. I try to keep his anger at bay by taking him too see his therapist twice a week and by taking and regulating his medication. Where as my daughter has less manic moments and longer and stronger bouts of depression. So I am dealing with two different souls with mental disorders as well as my own and while I am happy to say that I am managing my kids well; I am losing myself in the throws of it all.

I remember just two months ago I wanted to stop taking my medication because I felt like it was hampering my writing and my creativity yet it was stabilizing my moods and keeping me from being all over the place. I was happy with one aspect of it and not the other. The only reason why I didn’t stop taking my medication was because I was afraid of get here. I was afraid of getting depressed and becoming a useless human being with a low ability to function in my everyday life. I was afraid that I would end up here; just where I am today. I hate; just hate being unable to function properly. Not able to move without the pain in my leg or not being able to get out of the bed to shower , brush my teeth and start my morning. The negative thoughts started invading my mind right on que and telling me how shitty of a mommy I am and how I will be homeless before I know it. It’s clearly Gnawing at my self worth, self esteem and my ability to think positively. At least I am not thinking about offing myself like normal but I keep hearing myself telling myself that “You are dying” because of the pain from my sciatic nerve and blood clot in the same leg. I keep hearing ” You have done all you I can do Kidada; give the kids to their father ( Where ever he maybe) and walk away from this shit once and for all and allow him to stress, suffer, struggle and go through all the mental shit that I have to deal with every single day of my life. “Just walk away, leave , you have done enough” is the on going chant in my ear for the last month.

There is no shame in saying that I am so damn tired right now. I am so damn tired of struggling, going hungry, going without and putting myself last for the sake of my kids. I am so damn tired of not sleeping, over sleeping or thinking about sleeping my problems and day away. I am so tired of trying to figure out the next step and the next step and the next step after that without getting a chance to rest in between bouts of struggle and unrest. I am so tired off cooking and eating what is left over so they can have seconds and thirds too.. Damn; do you know how hungry I am too? No; I bet you don’t and neither do you care. I am so tired of living in pain, walking in pain. Sleeping in pain and being in pain 24/7. I am so tired of not being able to go clothes shopping, pantie shopping or shoe shopping either. I am so tired of putting everyone else before me and always putting myself last.. Man; I am so frustrated with life. That I wanna screammmmmmm to the top of my lung from the highest peak and from the highest mountain “ I wanna give the fuck up” but I know that I can’t. I know that they need me.

I know that I am all they have and I know that my existence is very vital to their existence as their’s is to mines. I know that giving up is not the fucking answer and never will be But I can at least type out the words, feel the pain from them and find another way to try again. My kids never asked to be here. They are a product of a relationship gone bad but they are the best things that came out of that crazy relationship. No one said that it was going to be easy but Got damn no one ever told me that it would be this hard either. No one told me the truth of just how hard parenting really is and just how difficult it would be and the tole that it would take on me , my body and my mind. All the books I read about parenting never got down to the meat of what a single parent has to endure or any parent for that matter. I know that I watch my father parent two little girls on his own but I was kid looking in from my small child like perpective just like my kids do. It’s only now that I can only imagine what my father went through in the 70’s with us. I am at my wits end here and I need to have a platform to be able to say this instead of saying it to my two beautiful soul.

I have been dealing with my stress by eating, sleeping and having crazy sexy. I know that those are my unhealthy coping mechanics but at least I am honest with myself and with my readers too. I know that it will not last long term but I use them anyways. For a temporary reprieve of sort to take my mind off of everything I am dealing with. However; I have found out that none of them are making me happy in reality. I just use them to elicit some time of feeling other than numbness, pain, sorrow and struggle. There are moment that I turn on my motivational videos, say a prayer of two or play uplifting music to change my mood and spirits too. I am always there for anyone who needs me day or night when they are in need but the same people are not there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on.

If we want to get down and dirty with it all. I am beginning to lose faith in the God that I once served ever so feverishly. I was blindly in love with God and hanging on to every word that the pastor preached every Wednesday night for bible study and every Sunday morning for early morning service. I believed every single word in the bible and lived my life starchily to it. At this point I am tired of praying, I am tired of asking God why? I started asking him “ Why not me” . Then I started asking “ what lesson am I suppose to learn out of this life lesson”? Then I started asking him “ Is this going to make me stronger, more compassionate, more understanding , empathic and caring:? Now I am saying “ are you there man”? “Are you listening to me and my plight and cry” “ Did I do something wrong to deserve this much pressure and pain”? “ Why God are you putting me through pain , after pain after pain after pain with little gain or reward for my resiliency and faithfulness”?

I am slowly starting not to believe in his existence anymore. Am I praying to an invisible God; who’s prayers are fall on invisible none existence ears”? Why am I always on my knees praying to a God that has had me to going through so much hardship and pain since the age of 5? Why isn’t he listening? Is he not listening because I am losing my faith or because I am slowly losing my grasp of him and his position in my life? Is he mad at me for questioning his plan for me and my family or is he just to busy helping the world that is in a crisis? Whatever the reason is I am tired of waiting on my knees for answers from him at this point.

I slept for three straight days. Last night I took something to stay up so that I would not go back to sleep until I got all my chores done . I open all my windows, made up my bed and ate breakfast. I need to shower, brush my teeth and workout before I start my day. I just thought that I would take the time and vent my feeling on my blog. I don’t feel a 100% . My belly feels sick, my heart is heavy, my mind is worried, my soul is tired and my body is wrapped in surreal pain but today I will try to at least acknowledge how I am feeling and try not to get back into my bed. I am only human, I have flaws, insecurities, doubts and unsureness. I am Bipolar so I have to deal with that part of me too. I do know that depression has set in and I must continue to not give up and continue taking my medication too. I know that I have faith in the universe and a higher being ( no matter what I say) . I know that life is not only tough for me in today’s world. I know that giving up is not an option or a choice that I will give myself. I know that walking away from my to beloved like their father did to them 18 years ago is not going to happen. I know that I am a chemically depressed women that has numerous amounts of triggers sounding off all at one; so I can’t listen to the negative voices in my head. I know that change is needed and good but nevertheless it feels horrible and unsettling. I know that August is a hard month for me because of the loss of my beloved parents. I know that I am overly emotionally and I need to sit down, meditate, breath and look inward for answers to all my problems. I also know that I am strong but I am tired too and it’s not wrong admitting that to myself or out loud either. No one said life would be easy but Damn; no one told me that life would be this hard either. i am proud that I am doing a beautiful enough job dealing with heavy shit I am dealing with the best way I know how. I will not give up on myself or my beautiful beloveds until my last dying breath. I am a warrior, a way maker, a strong soldier and their mommy.

What I want…

There is something so quietly beautiful when you have a deeper connection with a person . No matter if you gain weight or lose weight they find the sexiness in each added curve and each rolled out curve. How they delight in your crazy thinking, oddities and eccentricity. How they are in love with your brilliant and wacky mind and have no fear in telling you so.

How beautiful it is to know that you are a part of their growth cycle and how you know you bring them texture and depths to their lives. How no matter what you wear; wearing the natural state of you is what turns them on ; nothing extra needed or added. No make, up no frills, no weave; just you and only the authentic you.

How no matter how crazy you seem they appreciate the craziness that resides in you because that is what makes you “You”. They don’t try to dull your down but instead they allow you to be authentically you in all your madness. Without out trying to make you like the rest of the normal sheep.

How even in my darkness, casted by my shadows sitting in the dark. He is not afraid to meet me there, beat me there and greet me there without hesitation or fear. He pulls up the seat in my dark place and holds a steady conversation not missing a beat and with wit, humor and admiration too.

I love it when all mask are off and both individuals can be free to roam the uncharted minds of each other with no holds barred and with a child like curiosity; opening and unlocking pad locked doors, chained basements and dark and twisted stairways that leads to doors never opened. Now I know that a person will not process all the qualities that you want but they should posses the ones that you need and you can work towards the rest if you allow it to happen organically, rhymical and naturally holding a space for them to elevate on their own timing.

I am such a non materialistic person . That doesn’t float my boat at all. I am much more an authentic soul that needs authentic experiences that match my minds eyes, leaves a stain in my souls and ignites the fire in my belly just by being themselves. I am one hell of an emotionally ride mentally, physically and emotionally. I am not an easy cook to digest . I am not for the faint hearted or easily offended. I love it when a man takes time to get to all those parts of me that make me. Who knows my past and knows what triggers me now from same my past. a person that is well verse with depression, mania, hypersexuality, mood swings and rage. The kinda person that does his research on the Taurus the bull like me and ties it all neatly in a bow and knows just what to say and how to handle me when I can’t handle myself.

I need the 3 am conversations, the deep and reflective talks while holding hands. The fore head kisses that melt my soul and eye contact that last for mins without looking away. There is so much to a King That I want. I need him to be compassionate, caring, thoughtful, helpful, thought provoking, empathic and to love my kids like I love them. I want him to know all the little things about me. My love of hazelnut coffee, Yellow fresh cut flowers, my love language, my favorite Caribbean dish, my love for Orange soda one day and Pepsi the next. My ever changing chocolate choices of the week and to encourage me to keep on writing even when I don’t feel like it.

I want a workout partner, pray warrior, nature lover and home body just like me. I need him to motivate me at my lowest point and to encourage me at my most painful moment as I will do the same for him. I need a magical and mystical mate in the bedroom who is willing to let go of social norms and open his wings and soar to places unknow.

I want to be able to be in the same bed; sharing beautiful silence while I read my book and he is playing his game, posting on face book or talking to his friends without feeling like we have to encage in every single moment with each other. I want us to be a couple that is separate yet together. Detached yet, attached. Allowing each of us to grow together and yet apart into the greatest versions of ourselves without over complicating everything and being 100% always in each others faces.

I want him to have time with his family, his boys and friends away from me as I want the same for myself. coming together at family functions, get togethers and more. I want it easy flowing, no hassle in loving one another; just pure love and admiration for each other. I don’t want the chess mind games, the manipulation or fuckery to bind us together in falsehood. I just want what is true, what is just, what is righteous and what is real in my next relationship. I want to love like no other with no other but with him and he with me.

What makes me inwardly Sexy? 😂😂😂😎😎😎❤💜💜💜

( Just over here thinking about what really makes me sexy)

🎉When your Aura is seductively and beautifully intoxicating …

🎉When Your conversation is creative, insightful, intriguing, compelling and illuminating.

🎉When Your mind and thoughts are sexually stimulating, edifying and compelling without trying to be and your soul is eccentric, magnifing, alluring electrifying, and captivating…

🎉He will be left enchanted beyond his wildest dreams as he WILLINGLY free falls down MY rabbit hole of passion and deep desire without a parachute. ..

🎉Sexiness is not just an outside job. It’s a natural attribute a person either possess or doesn’t posses ! It has to pore or ooze out of your body naturally from the inside out!

🎉It’s not just your body, make up or sexy attire that screams Sexy! It’s you being unabashedly you in the purest and rawest form!

❤Yeah baby your stuck! Leaving me will prove to be a arduous task that will leave you thristing for me long after I am gone! ( facts)

❤💜Forgetting me will not be easy. After all; I left an invisible imprint and impression in you on a cellular level!

Figuring out Myself from Within .

Early morning Thoughts my subconscious mind.. Either stand down or you will be shut down! ( I wrote this for me. I had to get this out in the open and free my mind. It not for likes..lol) I get it now.. It all makes sense!

I am way to kind because I was treated unkindly. I am way to understanding and forgiving because I was and still am misunderstood and people treated me like every mistake I’ve made was unforgivable. I am honest and loyal to a fault when I am involved with a person in oneness and with my family because both words where never displayed to me as a child or shown to me as an adult. I seek , love, peace and light because being hurt, abused and devalued was all I new and It was my normal. Yet what I know to hold true and secretly in my mind is that I attract and manifest into my life what I really must think of myself and what I deserve.

I Have learned how to have all these great qualities on my own through trail and error. I knew what I wanted to feel and How I wanted others to feel around me; yet I use the same beautiful traits I labored hard to gain and added to my human experience on other people who are not on my level mentally, spiritually or physically.

I tend to give my love to unemotional man that have no idea what love looks like, sounds like or acts like. I am honest and loyal to the most dishonest and dishonest MF’s all in the name of being a solid women that no matter what “I will not drop my crown because he hid his underneath another women bed until he returned home” I give my time and mental energy into understand a man to his core being. I wanna know his inner working , turn on’s, turn off’s fears, goals and more in the hopes that I will learn him and learn how to properly love in the way he needs to be love. Yet in return I am not given the same amount of energy because I am to much, hard to handle, to complicated and mentally a challenge and My dumb ass accepted that bullshit ass excuse

Now I am not Naive by along shot However I am a product of pain. I strive and thrive in pain. It is all I knew and I accepted it as is for a long while. I wrote prior about not having a man like my father before and that still hold true but taking a caged animal out of the cage doesn’t exactly mean that the animal is still not mentally caged to the same mentality. It take time, practice and actually unlearning past abusive norms and replacing them with healthy and harmonies norms. Well I am actively trying to do just that and time and time again my old self resurfaces and there is a tug of war with the new me and the old me.

I am at point that dating is not in my cards until I am healed from my past because they will always resurface into my present. I need time no matter how old I am to seek myself worth and demand to be treated like the loud mouth queen I am instead of settling for what my secret subconscious thoughts manifest in front of me. I will continue to seek what I don’t want because I don’t think I deserve better. ( Man read that shit again)!! I know consciously what I need and deserve and I am in active mode with that but boy my subconscious is still living in the past and wants to drag me and my hard earned efforts of changing down to it’s low vibrating self. ( As a man thinks he is in his heart so he shall be)..

So this morning I speak to my subconscious and I say.. Stand down and shut the hell up. Stop tell me to settle and that its the best I can get! Stop telling me that my brokenness deserves brokenness.. Stop telling me that no one will ever love me like I love them. Stop telling me that waiting is the key to everything. Stop telling me No one is man enough to scale these wall and that I should leave a secret back door for the ones who are not! Stop telling me or reminding me that I am victim and that I always will be. Stop making me be so agreeable to shit that is unagreeable to my soul..

I see you hindering my growth and process of being coming the best version of Kidada,,all in the sake of Love… Fuck the kind of love you think I should have because evidently I you don’t know shit and your trying to teach me that settling for mediocre is all I deserve.. Step the hell off .. It rewiring time. No matter how painful it will be It will not be as painful as my past. I am watching you watch me. I see the thoughts and I will start pulling them down as fast as they come if they go against myself, my worth, my needs and my desire to be truly , wholly and completely loved.. No more onside , unrequited love.. Either we are traveling down the same road side by side or I am pulling the fuck over and letting him pass!

A letter Written to Me: from my Beautiful Soul.💙😇💕💕❤💜

Dear Kidada Raheeda Kendrick, ( a letter written to you from your beautiful soul)

Yesterday was particular tough day for you. I don’t know what opened up the floodgates exactly but your tears and raw emotions spilled over uncontrollably. I was there looking out of our red, teary blood shot eyes. I understand you were overwhelmed with all that was going on. I am inside of you and I felt your dread, pain, desire, fear and sadness too. I want you to know it hurt me so much to feel your pain and not be able to help you.

Listen Kidada, I want you to know that you have the right to feel the way you do. It is not natural to have the pressure of raising two kids alone with limited support. It’s not natural for you to have to make all the choice, financial decisions, educational decisions, health decisions and more for three lives by yourself. I understand yesterday you had more things to do that required more money than you had. I understand that your son had his needs, your daughter had her recital and you had bills that needed to be paid as well. I understand how you felt bad yesterday as well. I felt how bad are body felt and how much pain you were in but you didn’t want to admit it to your kids so they wouldn’t worry…

I know you wanted to spend that money on food but you had to pay the rent that was behind, you had give your son money for lunch, your daughter had to get to her recital and the thought of her or you not going was eating you alive. I saw How you took that little bit of money and made it all happen. I want you know That your daughter was happy that she made it there on time { You did that} . She was so happy to see that you show up. Did you see her face light up ?? I did! She was so worried about you. I read her text. Did you read what I read? ” Mom you are the best mom” !! She meant that. Your son was happy he ate and was able to feed others too yesterday. You felt happy you were able to get a ride and cash your check, pay your rent and just be able to enjoy the sunshine. I this is not what you signed up for being a single parent. I know that you doubt your abilities as a mother. You are always wondering how you are doing as a parent. Please know that there is no rating scale for motherhood. You are there for them from sun up to sun down.

You break your neck to feed them, supply their needs, their wants, give them unconditional love, provide them a warm and cozy home all by yourself and with the help of your son. I know that eat you alive as well. Your son having to work so damn much since he was 16. It makes you cry in silence often and he doesn’t know it. I heard you say tell him to take off some days to be a kid. “Go party, go to wrestling practice”. “You will regret it when you get older” you said fighting back your tears But he said what he always says. “I know mom”.” I will go for you but someone else beside you need to support this family”!..

Kidada you truly have some amazing ass kids. He could be doing everything and anything but becoming a hard working man is what he is chasing. He is empathetic, kind, caring and smart. He is goal orientated and he tries had to be a good kid. Your daughter is chasing college. She is an impeccable person too. She is a great writer and has a bright future. She is reading instead of having sex and doing drugs. She is still a virgin at 14 and in this day in age that is an impressive feat! They are turning out okay despite of life’s harsh realities, daily struggles, limit support system and their personal struggles.

I AM SO SORRY that I heard you cry so hard. I felt the depths of your pain and so did he. He never left you alone. He listened to you and tried to be there for you and your pain and words ran him away. When a person is there for you please allow them to be there for you. You are so use to doing it alone that when someone is present in your life you don’t see it because you are not use to someone reaching out and being there for you. People do love you. He loves you and he tried to show you but you ran him away. Promise me that you will never do that again. Rise above your emotions and state your truth and pain in a intelligent manner.

I just wanted to tell You that you are an amazing mother.. not a perfect mother but an amazing and eccentric mom who is doing the best she can with what she has and that is all you can do. Your children recognize your struggle, your pain, your hard work and most importantly the love you have for them. Maxi Naysa loves you so much and so does Selah Craft. Please remember to take care for yourself. Without you I will die before I am able to manifest and walk in are destiny and your children will be lost and sad without you.

It’s OK to cry, break, scream, cuss and shout out to the Universe in dismay and anger but it is never okay to want to give up or give in. We all need you and I need you to know that I am the one lucky soul to be able to live your body that I call home

.. I love you so much Kidada Raheeda Kendrick
Love your Beautiful soul