There are many voices in my head that talk down to me belittles me and steals my hope and dreams but they all come to me in a familiar voice of my own. This morning I will share with you what she is saying. be weary of the negative voices that talk to you too. they aren’t from you.. learn to slowly kill those imposter voices and find your own authentic voice which resides inside your soul.
” Hey Kidada the thing you want most; will never be made available to you in your life time”. “So give it up it baby girl” it says to me in a taunting, condescending and monotone voice. ” No one will ever love you: just look at how hard it was for your very own parents to love you” it reminds me as it strokes my hair and gestures to me to lay down and relax on miseries lap. ” Lmaoooooo who’s going to love a moody, Bipolar, single parent, no degree having anxiety riddled mess like you “? She goes on question me. I wanna run from her but how can I run from the very voice that lives in my mind? I begin to acknowledge the voice when I know that I shouldn’t but her voice is getting louder by the second. I turn on the music and try to drown out he negative voice but she is persistent and wants to make her point tonight.
“Kidada look at you; you are getting old; getting out of shape and riddled with physically pain” ” By the time you get a man you will be going into menopause and what good will you be then to any man’? ” After all ;that is all any man want’s from your ass anyways”! ” Don’t cry baby girl you have known this to be your truth since you were ten’. ” What is the difference now” she asked me? ” Go a head and try to say that they love your energy, vibe or spirit”.. Lmaoooooooo I dare you she says in a loud tone. You know that you are only worthy of one thing and one thing only; so stop pretending like they like you for your mind, thoughts or anything else that they see in a good women. You are not a good women like them; they will always be better than you”
“I hate that you think that you are smart, special, beautiful and Compassionate. You are none of those things to me”. You are not your sister she is the smart one in the family; just like your mother was” ” For every degree they have; all you have are life learning lessons” “you are not much and you will never ever amount to shit” “All you will be is a mother to your children and they are getting older now and now you won’t be shit”. The voice is not letting up ” I see that you think you can write” ” Nope that is a bunch of Bullshit” Stop writing your business for others to share with” . ” They actually don’t think you can write; I mean with all your mistakes, grammar issues and more; you might as well hang it up” ” Who the hell told you that your writing will amount to shit; you never amounted to shit and neither will your writing ” she yells at me in a drunken stupor. Her loud voice starts in; blaring and bellowing over my music I am playing right now. . She wants to be heard. She wants me to hear her so she can drags me down :”Sadness and Defeat street” by my feet; kicking and scream; until she binds my hands and feet and gages my mouth so I can not speak. She only leaves my ears untouched and my eyes open; always using her ophthalmoscope to check my optic nerves, lens, and retina for changes and a tool that keeps my eyes open so I have no choice but to envision every single words she says; as it comes to my minds eye in discomfort.
I want to scream, I have always wanted to scream and tell that damn voice to shut the hell up ever since I was child. Some days I can ignore it , drown it out and pretend like it isn’t there. Other days she is loud, vicious, vociferous opinionated , rude and also negative. On those days she creeps in like a thief in the night on my most vulnerable days. like when I am depressed, sad, overwhelmed or in a crisis when I already feel low about myself . These days are hard for me because on these days I believe every single thing she says to me. I begin to believe her words; like a child that believes in Santa Claus crossing the globe in one single night ; bring presents down the chimmy to of all the good girls and boys ; with all my hearts. I start believing that I am a worthless, damaged, damaged soul that has no reason to be alive; let alone be unconditionally loved by anyone other than my son and my daughter.
I don’t want to believe it and on most days but on certain days I do for sure. I look at my beauty fading away, the bags under my eyes slowly trying to appear without my consent, my body getting bigger and racked with pain. When I sit alone I feel it the worst. I start looking at all my accomplishments or lack there of and I am sad that I have not lived up to my full potential, my dreams or my goals . I am contently reminded of all the greatness that resides in me but she always hampers that one great thought by telling me that I will die with all my dreams and goals like everyone else.
This morning I need her ass to know that even thought I am getting older and my outer beauty is fading ; My inner beauty is blossoming , blooming and becoming more radiant as life goes on. I am a human being who is wrapped in love and who embodies and personifies love in my earthly shell. The love that I give away to others and complete strangers comes from a pure , genuine, authentic and honest place of light and love. If I give this love out without hesitation and sprinkle it on whomever and wherever needed it has to divinely come back to me by the Universal laws of Karma. So I will never stop loving my children, people who need it and people that are in my life just because it has not been genuinely returned by many to me. I am captivating, alluring, sexy, beautiful, eccentric and odd. I am smart, sexy in my own skin and body weight too. No matter if I am gaining weight or losing weight I can carry my weight like the sexy goddess that I am. yes; I am getting older but even that too is a blessing. After all so many people do not get a chance to be forty four and as for all the pain; whelp at least I am alive to feel pain; hell to feel anything at all.
I know that I am not married yet but I am marriage material. I would make a splendid wife. I am a great cook, prayer warrior and an edification goddess . I am kind, compassionate, caring, empathic, loving, loyal, faithful and one hell of a sexual beast in the bedroom. I know that just because I have kids doesn’t mean that a man would not desire me or want to make me his wife. There are plenty men and women that get married everyday that blend their families together. So why can’t I? Yes; why Lie I am an emotional mess, one hell of a monstrous roller coaster ride; all rolled up in a mental illness corn tortilla wrap but that is not all that encompasses me. There are so many different layers, dimensions and levels to me that life would never be dull, mundane, boring or uneventful . I am smart, intelligent and emotionally intelligent too. I have to remind myself that I have come along way and how proud I really am of myself tackling hard shit all alone without the aide of a support group of sorts.
I know that theses voices are not voices that I placed inside my head. Theses are voices that comes in a familiar voice/ voices and a tone that is similar to my own . However, the truth of the matter is that theses words and voices come from the degrading, hurtful and cut throat words of my father and mother growing up. They cut deeply and changed my very perception of myself overtime.. It comes from hearing the debilitating and condescending voice and words of my older sister who always told me I was dumb and not as smart as her growing up or all I had to offer the world was my beauty and body.. The voice from my other older sister that made me feel ashamed and embarrassed of myself for the poor choices and mistakes I made in my teenage years. As if she never made any bad choices or mistakes in her life. It came in a Manish and pedophile type voice from my oldest brother, uncles, men, camp counselors that didn’t see me as a little girl or older women when they attempted to sleep with me. I know that theses voices are not my own thoughts or voices telling me about myself and yet I still listen to them intently as if they know what they are talking about.
Knowing is half of the battle. At least I know that the voice in my head do not belong to me. Now it’s time to change the voice and narrative to my voice and my words and start believing in myself instead. I wrote this because I know that I am not alone hearing all the negative things said about myself. We tend to be the hardest and harshest critics about ourselves too. Just like me I need you to learn to deifier the words and voices that are talking down to you about you. See if those voices are voices from your past, from your parents, hurtful family members, children, teachers, spouses or you and if they are coming from you. Figure out where they came from or how you came up with that negative thought about yourself. You are designed to be here for a monumental reason that only you can fulfill. Do not allow those negatives voices and words to dictate your future . Do not go to the grave with all your hopes , dreams and goals like many before you. You have a calling and a destiny with your name on it that will help humanity in some sort of way, shape or form. Stay vigilant and aware of your thoughts. Remember that if you don’t take care of your thoughts. your thoughts will take care of you.