I woke up to empty bottles scattered all over my bed and chip bags clinging to my wet and clammy hot Florida skin. I heard myself say at 10:23 am “ Get up Kidada” as I drifted away into a lucid like dream state. I felt my mind trying to fight it as my body slowly drifted off to sleep. Again I woke up and drank from one of the many bottles scattered in my bed. I looked out side the window and I saw the sun shining so brightly through my dark tightly drawn curtains. I was so angry with the sun shining so brightly on my untidy surroundings not to mention the tall layers of lush and beautiful grass growing every so greatly in my backyard. Reminding me of the reasons why I have been in bed for the last three days and haven’t been able to cut the grass in so long. As I stared out of the window looking at the grass I could imagine a lion in awaiting ready to pounce on me like a poacher ready to kill him. It hid ever so quietly in the tall grass like in African waiting for the chance as I drifted back to sleep again. Once again I fought it. I told myself to get up and stop sleeping my day away. As I wrestled with my mind and body not to go back to sleep and begin to tell myself all the reasons why I should be getting up and start my day; I fell back to sleep. I recall telling myself “ baby girl; you are depressed”. I was startled awake by the front door opening and my youngest child walking into house after three from school. As she jumped on the bed telling me about her day. Her voice was piercing my ears making it feel like blood was pouring from my ears from all her happiness. It was then I acknowledged my state of mind and how I got here. Instead of her cheerful voice being me joy like it always has in the past; instead this time me brought pain, resentment and sadness. I just wanted her to stop talking so I could go back to my silent place of darkness and sleep. This is not the case most days. I actually can’t wait for my kids to come home to hear all their stories of what is going on in the world around me while I sit in hiding.
Usually I am well aware when my depression is coming. I wrote a piece about that before but this time I was I kinda shell shocked this time around. Everyone who knows me understands that August is a bad month for me because my parents both passed away two years and two weeks apart from one another. My father passed away on the day that my daughter starts her first day back to school and my mother passed away on my daughters birthday two weeks later. It is particularly tough for me because I wasn’t there for any of them when they passed away or there to say my last good byes before they were laid to rest. I have not honestly dealt with them passing away yet; because my life as a single parent never skips a beats and I honestly do not have time to think about myself let alone the death of my two parents. So as August came creeping in I started to notice that I was slacking on my house chores and lawn work too. The pain; the pain; omg the pain surging though my body is so surreal too. Half of the time I am unable to sleep through the pain, ( unless I am depressed or doped up on Pm pain pills) I am unable to walk up right or walk in general without the pain from my sciatic nerve screaming and the blood clot in the same leg reminding me just how close we have became as friends tangled up in a on going dance of the Tangle and a slow dance entwined as one.
If that is not enough my stability is being snatched out from under the feet of myself and my family out of the blue. I have the uncanny knack of not opening up my mail until I am ready to deal with what is staring back at me. This time I choose the wrong time to do that. While walking through my house I found a letter on the counter top from the Tallahassee Housing authority. I decided at 4 am that I wanted to open it. When I opened it; I found out the house that I am living in from Hud Housing will no longer be available to me. I get help from the government with my housing at the moment.I am not ashamed to admit as a single parent of two kids; with no help from my family or their dad that I needed housing help. I was in a relationship that was abusive in more ways then many before I landed in this house. I finally got up the nerve to leave with my kids and moved into a shelter for two years before I finally got on my own place to live. However, we all know that when you get governmental assistance that at any given day they can do just what they are doing to me and my family at a drop of a dime. I was taken back by the letter. I couldn’t sleep for two days because I was wondering how I would break this to my daughter who just started her first day of high school and my son who’s both jobs are on this side of town. Not to mention that all their friends are in this area too. This is all they have known for the last nine years. I started crying quietly in the Livingroom dreading the thought of telling them.
Next came my day in court. Finally!!. Finally I was going to court for child support after 11 years of this man not helping me. I was so nervous and afraid of the outcome because every time I went in the past the judge always cut him a break and gave him another choice to redeem himself ; which after he walked out of court he went back to not paying me or paying me very little. As I walked in there I noticed that he wasn’t there. My kids are old enough to go to court with me and they both wanted to go so they could tell the court and their father just how hard life is because of his actions. My kids where so sad that they didn’t get their day in court to share their feeling. However; I was able to speak on their behalf and the judge decieded to give him a blue writ( a warrant) for not showing up to court and for not paying his child support. He also mention how three hundred dollars a month for two kids was asinine and he wanted to know who set the bar so low. I was excited when I walked out of there because I thought that someone finally heard my cry and they were actually listening to me but that didn’t prove to be right. For some reason they took off the warrant and allowed him to go back paying what ever he could if he could and that ate me up too.
Life said to me “ Oh baby that’s not enough” Let me break down your car, your dryer and snatch your health why I am at too! “ let me see just how strong you really are beloved” the universe said to me. I have more just sit back and see. As August starts to get into the second week. I noticed that my son has a letter from the Government regarding his tax returns that he has been waiting the last five months for. They needed proof that the person he was claiming was his actually sister. Which she is. I understand that people in the past have defrauded the government claiming kids that where not theirs but this was no such case. He is owed almost five thousands dollars and he is unable to touch it because of this craziness. We have sent every piece of information in to the IRS in regard to the claim but they are still making him wait; even threaten to garnish this poor 19 year old’s check from the last years taxes that were awarded to him in 2017- 2018 . So I have been filing paper work for the year before and giving them what they need for the current year too. I am no tax expert and I do not have a tax lawyer to help me understand what is going on and what we need to do. Do you know how much that five thousands dollars could help this family right now?
My son is working eighteen hour day between two jobs. He is spending roughly two- hundred dollars on uber rides every two weeks. My light bill is killing me because of a recent leak my already high bill is now even higher. I can barely afford to pay the three- hundred and fifty a month as it it but with the leak that they haven’t fixed yet; is almost five hundred dollars this month. How do you explain to your high schooler that money is too low for new school clothes , school supplies and shoes? Well hell; you don’t .I had to pay the rent, light bill and phone bill first and foregoes buying food until two weeks later when my son gets payed. Between me and her case manger we were able to make her smile and get what she needed. I felt happy Until I saw her $4,000,00 school field trip paper work to london, her school fees and her violin bill that just went up $25.00 more dollars too. Just as I was able to breath for two seconds. My son’s medical insurance dropped him the day after he turned 19. I was given no notice until after I tried to call in his medication and it was denied. My son has Bipolar and AdHD too and he needs his medication to function properly and there I was waiting for him to come home to tell him this new set of news. While we share the same diagnosis I decided to give him my medications until I was able to fix this new problem. While I am trying to fix this problem I have another problem brewing which was me.
I need my medication to function just like he does but how could I allow him to go without his medication working an eighteen hour shift; six days a week? I just couldn’t; so I did what any other mother would do. Put their child first. I was able to finally fix the insurance and on the eighteen of this month he will be able to go get his medication. In the interim I have been without my Bipolar medication for a while now. The thing is; my bipolar falls under raging manic modes and small bouts of depression that last no longer than a week or better. This goes the same for my son as will but the only difference he has from me is anger issues; that dwells deeply inside his soul from the pain of his father’s absence. I try to keep his anger at bay by taking him too see his therapist twice a week and by taking and regulating his medication. Where as my daughter has less manic moments and longer and stronger bouts of depression. So I am dealing with two different souls with mental disorders as well as my own and while I am happy to say that I am managing my kids well; I am losing myself in the throws of it all.
I remember just two months ago I wanted to stop taking my medication because I felt like it was hampering my writing and my creativity yet it was stabilizing my moods and keeping me from being all over the place. I was happy with one aspect of it and not the other. The only reason why I didn’t stop taking my medication was because I was afraid of get here. I was afraid of getting depressed and becoming a useless human being with a low ability to function in my everyday life. I was afraid that I would end up here; just where I am today. I hate; just hate being unable to function properly. Not able to move without the pain in my leg or not being able to get out of the bed to shower , brush my teeth and start my morning. The negative thoughts started invading my mind right on que and telling me how shitty of a mommy I am and how I will be homeless before I know it. It’s clearly Gnawing at my self worth, self esteem and my ability to think positively. At least I am not thinking about offing myself like normal but I keep hearing myself telling myself that “You are dying” because of the pain from my sciatic nerve and blood clot in the same leg. I keep hearing ” You have done all you I can do Kidada; give the kids to their father ( Where ever he maybe) and walk away from this shit once and for all and allow him to stress, suffer, struggle and go through all the mental shit that I have to deal with every single day of my life. “Just walk away, leave , you have done enough” is the on going chant in my ear for the last month.
There is no shame in saying that I am so damn tired right now. I am so damn tired of struggling, going hungry, going without and putting myself last for the sake of my kids. I am so damn tired of not sleeping, over sleeping or thinking about sleeping my problems and day away. I am so tired of trying to figure out the next step and the next step and the next step after that without getting a chance to rest in between bouts of struggle and unrest. I am so tired off cooking and eating what is left over so they can have seconds and thirds too.. Damn; do you know how hungry I am too? No; I bet you don’t and neither do you care. I am so tired of living in pain, walking in pain. Sleeping in pain and being in pain 24/7. I am so tired of not being able to go clothes shopping, pantie shopping or shoe shopping either. I am so tired of putting everyone else before me and always putting myself last.. Man; I am so frustrated with life. That I wanna screammmmmmm to the top of my lung from the highest peak and from the highest mountain “ I wanna give the fuck up” but I know that I can’t. I know that they need me.
I know that I am all they have and I know that my existence is very vital to their existence as their’s is to mines. I know that giving up is not the fucking answer and never will be But I can at least type out the words, feel the pain from them and find another way to try again. My kids never asked to be here. They are a product of a relationship gone bad but they are the best things that came out of that crazy relationship. No one said that it was going to be easy but Got damn no one ever told me that it would be this hard either. No one told me the truth of just how hard parenting really is and just how difficult it would be and the tole that it would take on me , my body and my mind. All the books I read about parenting never got down to the meat of what a single parent has to endure or any parent for that matter. I know that I watch my father parent two little girls on his own but I was kid looking in from my small child like perpective just like my kids do. It’s only now that I can only imagine what my father went through in the 70’s with us. I am at my wits end here and I need to have a platform to be able to say this instead of saying it to my two beautiful soul.
I have been dealing with my stress by eating, sleeping and having crazy sexy. I know that those are my unhealthy coping mechanics but at least I am honest with myself and with my readers too. I know that it will not last long term but I use them anyways. For a temporary reprieve of sort to take my mind off of everything I am dealing with. However; I have found out that none of them are making me happy in reality. I just use them to elicit some time of feeling other than numbness, pain, sorrow and struggle. There are moment that I turn on my motivational videos, say a prayer of two or play uplifting music to change my mood and spirits too. I am always there for anyone who needs me day or night when they are in need but the same people are not there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on.
If we want to get down and dirty with it all. I am beginning to lose faith in the God that I once served ever so feverishly. I was blindly in love with God and hanging on to every word that the pastor preached every Wednesday night for bible study and every Sunday morning for early morning service. I believed every single word in the bible and lived my life starchily to it. At this point I am tired of praying, I am tired of asking God why? I started asking him “ Why not me” . Then I started asking “ what lesson am I suppose to learn out of this life lesson”? Then I started asking him “ Is this going to make me stronger, more compassionate, more understanding , empathic and caring:? Now I am saying “ are you there man”? “Are you listening to me and my plight and cry” “ Did I do something wrong to deserve this much pressure and pain”? “ Why God are you putting me through pain , after pain after pain after pain with little gain or reward for my resiliency and faithfulness”?
I am slowly starting not to believe in his existence anymore. Am I praying to an invisible God; who’s prayers are fall on invisible none existence ears”? Why am I always on my knees praying to a God that has had me to going through so much hardship and pain since the age of 5? Why isn’t he listening? Is he not listening because I am losing my faith or because I am slowly losing my grasp of him and his position in my life? Is he mad at me for questioning his plan for me and my family or is he just to busy helping the world that is in a crisis? Whatever the reason is I am tired of waiting on my knees for answers from him at this point.
I slept for three straight days. Last night I took something to stay up so that I would not go back to sleep until I got all my chores done . I open all my windows, made up my bed and ate breakfast. I need to shower, brush my teeth and workout before I start my day. I just thought that I would take the time and vent my feeling on my blog. I don’t feel a 100% . My belly feels sick, my heart is heavy, my mind is worried, my soul is tired and my body is wrapped in surreal pain but today I will try to at least acknowledge how I am feeling and try not to get back into my bed. I am only human, I have flaws, insecurities, doubts and unsureness. I am Bipolar so I have to deal with that part of me too. I do know that depression has set in and I must continue to not give up and continue taking my medication too. I know that I have faith in the universe and a higher being ( no matter what I say) . I know that life is not only tough for me in today’s world. I know that giving up is not an option or a choice that I will give myself. I know that walking away from my to beloved like their father did to them 18 years ago is not going to happen. I know that I am a chemically depressed women that has numerous amounts of triggers sounding off all at one; so I can’t listen to the negative voices in my head. I know that change is needed and good but nevertheless it feels horrible and unsettling. I know that August is a hard month for me because of the loss of my beloved parents. I know that I am overly emotionally and I need to sit down, meditate, breath and look inward for answers to all my problems. I also know that I am strong but I am tired too and it’s not wrong admitting that to myself or out loud either. No one said life would be easy but Damn; no one told me that life would be this hard either. i am proud that I am doing a beautiful enough job dealing with heavy shit I am dealing with the best way I know how. I will not give up on myself or my beautiful beloveds until my last dying breath. I am a warrior, a way maker, a strong soldier and their mommy.