On this love day I sit here with mixed emotions.I sit here once again snuggled tightly and wrapped in my alone time. I am searching for the right words to depict how I am truly feeling while filling up my timeline with memes to distract the negative thoughts that are knocking on my mind. They are so relentless and loud. They a begging to get inside my head to break me down mentally and to succeed in emotionally breaking my soul too. I can tell those thoughts wanted me to feel shame, sadness, and all around not enough. It wanted to make me feel small, unloved and not wanted. It want to make me cry again and feel the warm victory of my emotional defeat.
Instead I am going to write and get these unexpressed emotions out.This is a pagan holiday true enough but it’s a day that.is observed for love. If anyone truly knows me; they would know that I am love embodied and encased in human flesh. I love to love, give love, be loved and I love the idea of love. However, here I sit again alone on a day that is dedicated to the very emotion that drives my soul. Here I sit wondering about; why is the very emotion I share with ease to the world and to the people I love; is so elusive to my very being. It’s as if I am here to show the world how it feels to be unconditionally loved but the oxymoron of it all is that; I am not allowed to feel the very emotion in return. ( Except from my two beloveds)
I have been chasing Love ever since I was a child. I was always fighting for my emotionally unavailable father to become available and to say those three words to me. Yes materialistically he showed me he loved me but he lacked the ability to show me with a kiss, hug, pat on the back or just saying ” I love you ” I begin to think in some strange and twisted way when he physically abused me that; that was love and at least I was getting some kind of attention and emotion from him. As life would have it; the very people that said they loved me as a child was motivate with bad intentions. Their love wasn’t pure it was dark and twisted. It snatched my innocence and replaced it with shame.
It changed the meaning of the word “love” forever. As I got older I was faced with other #Metoo situations and after while it became my normality. When I hit my adult years and started to date and get into relationships and they began to mimic my childhood situations. I have been a wanted women since the age of 10. I have been lusted after all my life but never loved in my fullness and unconditionally. I am so use to men seeing me as a sexual object of their lustful desires; but I was never seen as a women that they wanted to love, cherish and protect. I accepted that as my fate and gave up the pursue of love ever being beautiful, pure and reciprocated.
That is where my pleasing nature was formed. I started to be the only one in the relationship doing everything. I started accepting their emotional unavailability and becoming emotional for both parties I did all the cooking, cleaning and more and never asking for help. I became the ultimate pleaser in the bedroom all the while knowing that they would not be the same way for me. I had no idea how I wanted or need to be loved properly because I was never shown that type of love in the past. So; I had no good examples of love to refer back to.In the end. At the same time; I had learned to accepted the unacceptable in the pursuit of feeling what I thought love was.
It took years and years of deprogramming my mind and falling back in love with myself to understand what true love feels like. It took for me to have kids to experience unconditional love. It took me to watch how It felt loving my children to understand how love felt. I am no where; where I would like to be but I am no where I use to be either. I find myself digressing at times in the pursue of love still. The difference is I know better now… I understand why I am doing what I am doing. I understand the thought process behind my actions.
Yet and still I will endure painful situations to have the imaginary feeling of love. I have settled. Knowing all along that I was settling but my mind started to convinced myself again that I didn’t deserve better. That I am always meant to be misunderstood and devoid of love by default. It is an unexplained feeling; wanting something so bad all your life; yet you are never able to obtain in reality . I am such a simple women, I am such a great women, loving women with great qualities and character I am so loyal and dedicated . I have a pure heart and pure intentions too. I have many wifey qualities but life is always saying ” nope, not this year Kidada”
So recently; I noticed I begin to start feeling not enough again. I started feeling like I am not meant to be loved in this life time. The negative voices were loud again but this year I am going to do something different. I am going to start manifesting with intention what I want in a man and in a relationship. I am going to stop settling and wait for my magical King to manifest into my reality . I am not going to chase after love anymore. I am not going to accept the unacceptable all in the name of love.
I am going to keep falling in love with myself over and over again until I understand my value and my worth unequivocally. Then and only then will I now what true love looks like and I will no longer settle for runner up love anymore. I am worthy of the love I give out to others. I am more than enough. I am a gem. A queen and a beautiful soul that will be loved properly in my life time.
Happy love day to all of you amazing Beautiful souls. I love you.