Figuring out Myself from Within .

Early morning Thoughts my subconscious mind.. Either stand down or you will be shut down! ( I wrote this for me. I had to get this out in the open and free my mind. It not for likes..lol) I get it now.. It all makes sense!

I am way to kind because I was treated unkindly. I am way to understanding and forgiving because I was and still am misunderstood and people treated me like every mistake I’ve made was unforgivable. I am honest and loyal to a fault when I am involved with a person in oneness and with my family because both words where never displayed to me as a child or shown to me as an adult. I seek , love, peace and light because being hurt, abused and devalued was all I new and It was my normal. Yet what I know to hold true and secretly in my mind is that I attract and manifest into my life what I really must think of myself and what I deserve.

I Have learned how to have all these great qualities on my own through trail and error. I knew what I wanted to feel and How I wanted others to feel around me; yet I use the same beautiful traits I labored hard to gain and added to my human experience on other people who are not on my level mentally, spiritually or physically.

I tend to give my love to unemotional man that have no idea what love looks like, sounds like or acts like. I am honest and loyal to the most dishonest and dishonest MF’s all in the name of being a solid women that no matter what “I will not drop my crown because he hid his underneath another women bed until he returned home” I give my time and mental energy into understand a man to his core being. I wanna know his inner working , turn on’s, turn off’s fears, goals and more in the hopes that I will learn him and learn how to properly love in the way he needs to be love. Yet in return I am not given the same amount of energy because I am to much, hard to handle, to complicated and mentally a challenge and My dumb ass accepted that bullshit ass excuse

Now I am not Naive by along shot However I am a product of pain. I strive and thrive in pain. It is all I knew and I accepted it as is for a long while. I wrote prior about not having a man like my father before and that still hold true but taking a caged animal out of the cage doesn’t exactly mean that the animal is still not mentally caged to the same mentality. It take time, practice and actually unlearning past abusive norms and replacing them with healthy and harmonies norms. Well I am actively trying to do just that and time and time again my old self resurfaces and there is a tug of war with the new me and the old me.

I am at point that dating is not in my cards until I am healed from my past because they will always resurface into my present. I need time no matter how old I am to seek myself worth and demand to be treated like the loud mouth queen I am instead of settling for what my secret subconscious thoughts manifest in front of me. I will continue to seek what I don’t want because I don’t think I deserve better. ( Man read that shit again)!! I know consciously what I need and deserve and I am in active mode with that but boy my subconscious is still living in the past and wants to drag me and my hard earned efforts of changing down to it’s low vibrating self. ( As a man thinks he is in his heart so he shall be)..

So this morning I speak to my subconscious and I say.. Stand down and shut the hell up. Stop tell me to settle and that its the best I can get! Stop telling me that my brokenness deserves brokenness.. Stop telling me that no one will ever love me like I love them. Stop telling me that waiting is the key to everything. Stop telling me No one is man enough to scale these wall and that I should leave a secret back door for the ones who are not! Stop telling me or reminding me that I am victim and that I always will be. Stop making me be so agreeable to shit that is unagreeable to my soul..

I see you hindering my growth and process of being coming the best version of Kidada,,all in the sake of Love… Fuck the kind of love you think I should have because evidently I you don’t know shit and your trying to teach me that settling for mediocre is all I deserve.. Step the hell off .. It rewiring time. No matter how painful it will be It will not be as painful as my past. I am watching you watch me. I see the thoughts and I will start pulling them down as fast as they come if they go against myself, my worth, my needs and my desire to be truly , wholly and completely loved.. No more onside , unrequited love.. Either we are traveling down the same road side by side or I am pulling the fuck over and letting him pass!

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