Why is it that I am so drawn to the the dark, the unknown the early morning hours? There is something so secretive, seductive, alluring and calming to me as the day nears an end and all the normal people are preparing to going to bed. Nope, Not me. Like clock work my body rises from the dead at eight pm every night. The night time is my morning. The moon is my sun. I thrive in the dark. I go Unseen, unheard and not bothered by every day daily pressures of my life. There is something that turns on a switch of some sort; that clicks on automatically and with out warning. As I gather all my goodies to make a large cup of coffee my mind starts buzzing. The colors in my mind become radiant and vibrant. It’s as if it is six am, the sun is rising and the blue jays are singing a melody in my mind. At night the melody is welcoming but in the morning I dread to hear them singing outside my window because I am dead tired by then. Lol. It so crazy to say that out loud or to admit to other people. The dark and I have a love hate relationship. While, I feel more alive, sexy, alert, creative, happy and full of zest in the cloak of darkness; I still can’t help but feel a sense of dread, despair, loneliness, pain , uneasiness, unsafe and foreboding too.
As a child I hated the dark because behind it’s black veil of secrecy; lurked predators, touchy hands, monsters under the bed and uncertainty. I remember once my mother kicked me out of the house at the age of twelve years old. At the time she had her fill of me emotionally. She just couldn’t take my behavior anymore and she allowed the streets to have me. I recall the fear and dread I had the first time night fell and I had no where to safe to sleep. So that night I didn’t sleep. I walked and walked and walked until I got tired. I only stopped to rest my feet . I never ventured to far from North Miami for varies reasons. The most important reason was I wanted to make sure I stayed close to my middle school. No matter what was going on in my life I knew I needed to be in school. If I think back. I can still feel the warm Miami air on my face embracing my body like a warm hug from my mother. I remember walking and looking for secure places to sleep. I slept on the forth floor in stairwell of an apartment building for many nights. I knew when It was safe for me to sleep there and instinctively knew when to get up and get out of there before the first person got up for work. I had friends at school that helped me too. Whenever their parents went to bed they would sneak me in from the cold streets and allowed me to get a couple hours of uninterrupted sleep. I remember stumbling upon a dusty old van parked in a gas station/repair shop and getting so exited. I opened the back door and climbed in there. The smell of the van was so weird and unfamiliar to me. It was dirty, messy and smelled like mold and mildew. The smell was so overwhelming and overpowering that I recall getting violently sick to my stomach but the warmth and security of the van is what allured me and held me captive. That became my go to place to sleep most of the nights when I was in and around the North Miami area.
On certain nights when I could not manage to walk to the van or if I wanted to sleep in a bed; I sometime hung out with some older kids I knew. They would rented a rooms whenever they had money. You would think that would’ve been advantageous to me personally because I had a place to shower and a bed to sleep in . Nope, my dear lovelies that wasn’t the case. As I slept in the bed I could feel hands on my body that did not have permission to be there. I could feel their eyes boring holes into my body in the pitch dark. All I wanted was to be twelve years old, at home, warm and in my bed again. I didn’t want to be on the defensive all night but I had too and I learned quick! Let me tell you about the people in my life back then; they took advantage of my age, my situation and my circumstances and they used my pain and homelessness to their advantage. It got so bad that Every time the sun started to fall I no longer felt safe in the van, with friends or over anyone else house. I started going to the rooftop of a specific hotel in Miami and that is were I stayed until the sun came up. The hotel roof top was on the 25th floor. It became my safe haven, protector and sense of peace after while. I was so scared in the beginning to fall asleep up there; that I would sit on the very edge of the roof and dangle my legs over the edge to keep me up and alert. The view was so beautiful from way up there. I felt at peace and away from prying eyes and roaming hands. I don’t remember being afraid of how high I was nor was I afraid of falling. I woke up many days on my tummy sleeping on the edge of the roof. I was at a point that I would rather fall to my death than be touched by someone that I didn’t want on my body. This is one of the times that I know the universe protected me from harm. Kept me safe and kept me alive.
You know what lovelies? I still attended school everyday for the two months that I was on the streets. Not once did I go to school and tell any authorities figures what was going on with me because I didn’t want to get my mom in trouble. I tough it out and made it to school on time for breakfast every morning. Every morning depending on where I slept that night, I would go to a nursing home to clean up, do my hair and prepare for school. I would then go to Walgreen’s and steal two King sizes candy bars to eat through out the day. That is how I managed to stay clean. How I manage to keep my clothes clean was a whole different ball game. I would take my clothes in the dead of night to a random apartment complexes laundry area and take out the clothes in the washer and replace them with mine and do the same with the clothes in the dyer. I would wash a weeks worth of clothes. Fold them up and hide them where ever I slept that night. I went to school every day and pretended like everything was okay. I know that I was not walking alone during this time. There was a higher being that protected me from other situation like being a victim of human trafficking, prostitution or getting kidnapped and never being seen alive again. I made it through that moment of my life without getting my mother in trouble and without me dying. She took me back in after while but that experience has never left my mind. I believe that impacted me greatly as a young child. I was too young to be out there homeless and alone. I was to young to be tossed out like trash by my mother and treat like trash by others because I needed them and their help. To this day this is one of the reason I have abandonment issues. If my own mom could kick me out on to the street and not think twice; why would I think anyone else in my life would stay? This is an area that is very tough for me . It’s the hardest thing for me to process, understand and let go of.
I really try hard to try and understand myself and why I do the things I do. When I got older I always worked the third and second shift of every job I had. I worked nights up until I had my first child. After he was born I needed to be home with him at night. So between my childhood and always working over night. I believe that is the reason why my body get’s up at 8 pm every single night. I know there are many days I don’t go to sleep for days too because of my Bipolar. Now that I am older it has slightly changed. As a single mom. I am up; listening for the slightest noise or movement outside of my home. Especially after someone tried to break in my home when myself and my kids were home. I am not worried about people touching me or hurting me anymore. That is now the worry I have for my kids. I can’t see the bad people that I see in my mind outside my house at night and that makes me scared. I wish that I had a husband at times. I don’t know what a restful sleep really feels like unless I take a sleeping aids or when My friend Mrs. Sun comes up. I only like like the Sun because It feels like It’s my protector and my Friend who looks out for my best interest. She is a warm, light and snugly blanket that keeps me safe from harm. I can see who is coming and who is going in broad daylight because of her. When she is out I sleep with my guard down, clothes off and free.
There is no rhyme or reason for this blog. I just started typing about my love hate relationship with the dark and my mind tripped and went down memory lane. I have had some really shitty things happen to me in my life but I have had some amazing things happen in my life too like the birth of my kids. I am not all doom and gloom. I am just here trying to make sense of my pain in order for me to help other people make sense of theirs too. You are not alone wounded souls . I am here with you and for you. We can walk through this thing called life together. I have walked through darkness all my life sadly enough. Now It is my calling and plight in life to help others find the way out of their darkness too.
Wow, damn, this is the first time I ever wrote about me being homeless at 12. I have kept it somewhere safe and sound to protect me from the pain it brought me whenever I’d remember it. Breathe Kidada.. Time for bed!