How do I begin to describe what’s going on in my head? I am working off of an hour sleep. My eyes are closing, my body is in pain and all it wants to do is lie down but of course, my mind is like ” shut the hell up” I feel so frigging angry inside right now for no apparent reason at all. I mean if anyone looks at me wrong, raises their voice at me or bothers me at this very moment I feel like I will snap. I feel like I will explode like a wine cork in a tight space and leave a massive amount devastation in my wake if I open my mouth. I don’t have a clue why I feel this way today but I will acknowledge this emotion and also make sure that I do not say anything mean to anyone I love today. I don’t feel like being regretful and remorseful too.
Damn; I am so hungry too but I can’t eat a bite of food. I am so tired but I feel the need to go walking or workout. I am rapid cycling in between happy, mad and Sad. Stopping at sad every time as I think about my cousins and his death or when I see him in my mind’s eye. Anxiety is riding the hell out of my ass something fierce too. It keeps telling me “sleep is for the weary”. The sun is out. You need to be productive. It’s telling me to go workout, start dinner, go walking and wash them clothes now too! It keeps reminding that I didn’t write last night and it keeps making me feel bad about doing that? Better yet it says to me ” Go do all of them at the same time”. This is the thought I was waiting for and it is showing up right on time. Can you hear it telling me that I am a bad mom if I go to sleep right now? I know I should have rested before the kids came home from school but my mind killed those plans. It keeps chanting to me over and over again ” your a bad mom” . How about you go to sleep later and I mean much later like after 4 am? . Just get started somewhere anywhere but get there now. Let’s go Kidada. Mush mush!!!
I can hear my thoughts so loud and clear. I have front row tickets to this beautiful and loud dysfunctional shit show. My thoughts resemble a Rock and roll band playing at a packed concerts during the noon day . My thoughts are rapidly flashing like hotel signs on every corner of the strip in Las Vegas. They are illuminating and vibrant; using both neon and florescent colors to blend a beautiful picture of chaos. They are so loud and intense that they hurt my head and give a headache. The crazy thing is that; the soothing melody coming from the Blue jays chirping outside my window are driving me mas too. They are zoom by at lighting speeding. All I can see are the tail ends of my thoughts as they zip by rear-ending each other. My thoughts are colliding, crashing and causing mass confusion with my brain waves and causing mayhem on the highway of my nervous system. All my thoughts are l competing to be seen, heard and felt by me the owner. It is only one in the afternoon and I am already mentally exhausted. I am so glad that I am a stay at home mom at the moment. I would be a fucking shit storm of a mess if I was at work today.
I am going to take charge of my mind and go take a sleeping pill and set my alarm clock. I will wake up in three hours. I can deal with three hours . Right now I can’t function properly to complete my chores, workout or do my laundry because my body is running on fumes now. My body is literally aching in pain everywhere but it is that frigging mind of mines. It’s still trying to convince me otherwise as we speak.. Real talk! So I am going to try to power down for 3 hours. Wish me luck beloved. I hope that I drift off to sleep before Anxiety pop back in with all the “what if thoughts”, “why come” thoughts and” here let me make you cry” thoughts. I love my mind too because it is so creative, inspiring, artistic and more but I hate how there is no kill switch in my head to turn it down a notch, turn off completely or at least let me be able to press the pause button.