“Lets not Play the Victim role”

The Court of the Second Judicial Circuit, Criminal acts against your Soul Division, is now in session, the Honorable Judge Mrs.Be honest with your self presiding. Judge: Everyone but the jury may be seated. Mr. Come clean, please swear in the jury. Bailiff: Please raise your right hand. As the juries raise their right hands I hear them repeat the words that the bailiff is reciting :I swear that the evidence that I shall give, shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God. Affirmation: I solemnly affirm that the evidence that I shall give, shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

I hear my Name being called so I stand up. I am the first one and only one called up to the stand tonight. As I start to walk up to the stand I feel my knees getting weak under me. The walk from my chair to the stand looks miles away. My hands begin to sweat and my mind begins to race. I am truly scared to confess my truth to the 12 juries of my peers. What will they think of me? How will I look to them. Will they pass judgement on me and my actions? “Of course they will” I can hear myself saying to myself. Damn how did I get here again? I thought I learned from my past mistakes. Damn, I am a repeat offender. This will not look good on my track record of love. The closer I get to the bench everything in me want to bolt out the door but I can’t back out now. I have to face the fire and suffer the consequences of my actions. I sit down like a lady full of pose and grace. I sure as hell look the part I am trying to portray on the outside but I wouldn’t be here if I was the same person inside.

I place my hand on the bible as I am sworn in . I can hear myself saying;
“I swear that the evidence that I shall give, shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God. Affirmation: I solemnly affirm that the evidence that I shall give, shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” I can feel the acid churning in my belly trying hard to creep up in to my esophagus. It’s ready to spew all over my beautiful dress but I swallow the bitterness back down my throat. The judge looks at me and says ” Mrs. Kendrick you know why you are here? I reply ” Yes you honor” and she proceeds to start listing of the following charges: (1) Criminal treason against your soul. ( Felony) (2)Lying to yourself ( misdemeanor) (3) Not observing all the red flags and warns that the universe sent you ( Felony) and finally (4) accepting the unacceptable from a person that was not in alignment with your soul. ( Felony) “How do plead Mrs. Kendrick”? I heard all the charges and I grimaced and turned away. I looked back with a pitifully look of shame and wanted to Scream ” Not guilty” ” I am the Victim” ” I was bamboozled and hoodwinked” but who the hell am I fooling? Me? One of my charges against me was lying to myself. I looked over at the judgmental juries and I said in an low inaudible voice ” I plead Guilty your Honor”.

Just hearing myself say those words instantly made me feel like shitty person. I can’t believe that I am here once again repeating the same crimes against myself. The only difference is that the universe sent the same type of man I had prior but this time in a different earthly shell. Just to see if I had learned my lesson the last go round. I was sure that I did. You could not have convinced me other wise. I just knew I acknowledged all my flaws, faults, self- esteem and self doubt issues by now. I just knew that I examined myself with a magnifying glass from head to toe. I started recalling all the days in the therapist office working out my issues and even doing homework for the week until I seen her again. I even stopped have sex for seven years in order to heal my emotional wounds. I just knew that I was in a good head space. I was ready to meet someone new. I was confident; at least I appeared to be on the outside but actually I don’t really think I was. The Judge looked at me with a disappointed look. I didn’t have a lawyer but the Universe had a defense lawyer named ” Mrs. Karma. As Mrs Karma approached the bench I noticed her piercing blue eyes Staring through my soul. “Mrs. Kendrick Please state your Whole name for the juries”. I said Kidada Kendrick and then the cross examination began.

Tell me about your last relationship if it was even called that. Was it a relationship? I replied “no” I don’t believe in titles. First lie I convinced myself of. I was to afraid to place a name or a title on it in fear that it wouldn’t work if it did . I also didn’t want to run him away so soon asking about our relationship status. Remember now I was celibate for 7 years prior. At that time I was a working single mother attending school . I never went out or did anything fun. I attended church, went to the library, hiking, to the gym and home. It took a while to even invite him to my home. After nine months on the phone I finally felt comfortable meeting him in my personal space. ( outside my home) .. That is where my story began. The first test I failed was I was in awe of his earthly shell. I was taken back by his beauty. I was awestruck over his chiseled body and his deep Jamaican accent. ( The father of my children was aesthetically pleasing on the outside too but he was a horrible person on the inside. I promised myself that I would not be swayed by a persons looks any more. That I would evolve and start looking for great inner qualities, great characteristics, pose, manners and an all around gentleman. Well I was so eye struck that I let that thought evade my mind. I was impressed by his appearance and that was my first fall. At this time of my life I was practicing something new for me. I wanted to see if I allowed a person to be exactly who they were and loved them exactly as they are; how would it fair out. So I allowed him to be himself and in return I was for the first time allowed to be myself unabashedly and that felt great.

I was able to talk about any and every thing to him and so was he . So I thought. I was so busy hyping up the fantasy and fairy tail in my mind that I started to disregard little shit. I kept looking at the bigger picture in stead of looking at the small intrinsic details. As months turned into years I started to noticing little patterns, inconsistencies and other things that didn’t sit well with my soul. At that time I must admit that I was passive aggressive. I took note and never said anything to avoid conflict between us. I started to notice that he was an emotionally distant and unavailable person. Another lesson I failed. I am a very emotionally charged and emotionally invested soul. I love hard , wide and long. I promised myself that I wouldn’t date a person who was emotionally detached because my father was that way. I promised myself that I would not be involved with anyone of that nature and here I stood making excuses for him and trying to find an understanding. I was so understanding to a fault for him but I neglected myself and my emotionally needs for him. During this time loyalty had the best of me and he was the one guy that I was sleeping with. However, Mr. man hand a roaming eye. He loved all types of women and I was well aware of his appetite for them. I always told him that I understood how hard it was for a young man to be faithful in this day in age. I was accepting of him sleeping with other women. Crazy as that sounds I did. As long as every three month he had an AIDS and STD test I was cool and he did that without hesitation. This is the third lie that I told myself. I really do feel like no one should lock a person down until they are ready emotionally, physically or mentally but I was not used to that personally. I am used to being in a committed relationship. However how committed I was in those relationships they cheated anyways. So I wanted to try something new. I lied to myself and tried to convince myself I was okay with it.

Where you really okay with it ? Mrs. Karma asked. “No I wasn’t” I said sheepishly and sadly. That’s when the feelings of not being enough crept in. That is when my insecurities began to show up unannounced and without warning. That’s when I started to compare and judge myself and my appearance to other women. That’s when I started feeling like I was never going to be what he wanted; if he himself didn’t know what he wanted. Instead of leaving I stayed. I became more invested over time. I became more involved with his daily interactions. I started playing house like a fool and taking on the wife role without the ring. I started cooking , cleaning and bring lunch to his job. We started spending more time together and I thought that was good enough. While in the back of my head I knew he was spending time some where else, with someone else and yes; that began to eat me to the core. In the mist of it all I kept sleeping with him alone. I got more and more attached to him and his presence in my life. Then I started to notice that he was not a very given person. He was not a person that like to share either. He was all about himself, his needs, his wants and his desires. ( how the hell did I miss all that ? ) He was not a person that was there for me when I needed him the most because he didn’t know how to handle emotional situations. I should have walked away then too but I thought that my love, kindness and compassion would rub off on him. He was not a person that you could go to in your time of need without him making you feel like you were a burden. He wanted , wanted, wanted and wanted yet he had no ability to give if his life depended on it. He was used to something I couldn’t offer. All the women before me didn’t make him work for anything. He was spoiled with money, trips, clothes and all matters of materialist things from them. When He met this single mom I couldn’t and wouldn’t take care of a man. I should have left again when he said ” I didn’t bring anything to the table” like all the other women.

So ” Mrs. Kendrick why did you stay after that?” Mrs. Karma asked. Well by then fours years had come and gone and truthfully that was the only man I was seeing and the only man that my kids saw me with. I tried to help him see that I was more than what he gave me credit for. I was starting to have the dreaded conversations about my worthiness. How he does see my worth or how he doesn’t appreciate the women that I was. I started trying to convince him that I was a great women with substance and who was a priceless masterpiece. I started trying to get him to notice the good in me. To see that I was worth his time.. Ugh ( read that again) that I was worth his time, energy and money. No matter what I did to try to convince him of the great women he had in his mist. He dismissed it, down played it or made me feel like I was talking to much. Saying the same thing over and over again and actually I was. I read somewhere if you have to tell a person what you need, like or want over and over again and they don’t make an effort to change they don’t respect you. I feel that. I noticed that I was allowing this person to treat me in a manner that was unacceptable repeatedly . I started to slowly show him how to disrespect me by not respecting myself. I was showing him how to put me last by always putting him before myself. I know that; what I was experiencing was so damn toxic and damn unhealthy but I didn’t care. Can you believe what I just said? “I said I didn’t care”. The harsh reality was that I wanted a person that didn’t want me wholly. I wanted a man that was emotionally unavailable and I knew that. I wanted a man that didn’t speak to the Queen in me but who spoke to the Concubine in me. I can’t believe that wanted a man that was not mature enough to know and or wise enough to comprehend how to appreciate the rare gem he held in his hands. I allowed him to hold my rare soul in his hands with reckless abandonment. He didn’t caring if he dropped me and shatter my soul along the way.I can’t believe that I wanted a man that spoke down to me on some days, didn’t speak to me on other days or didn’t listen to me with intention on the rest of the days. I have never felt the stinging feeling of not being wanted, or the crushing feeling of being unloved like this before. It was almost a game to make him want me. In the end Mrs. Karma I was not enough for him and I never will be.

I used to listen to him tell me that “no one will want you with all your mental illness issues”. He said it so much that I started believing that. That became the sick reason why I hung on in the end . I was scared that the beautiful flawed human being I was would never be liked by another man besides him. He would always say ” It’s a trade off messing with you” You are fucking crazy and I still accept you for all of you.” The good and the bad parts of you too he would say. He said that if people new I had Bipolar disorder they would run and I believed him when he said that. I found myself acting differently. I found myself obsessing over him. I found myself believing his words as if they were written in stone. I remember the first time we had a fight . It was hand to hand combat and at that moment I reacted out of survival mode and did what I have always done all my life. I fought back. I started the fight. I hit him first but when I saw his fist swinging towards my face I knew that we would never be the same again. Now the toxicity was at a new level and what did we do? We had the most amazing sex the day after. So damn fucked up. I know; but that is how abusive relationships begin. I have been in them all my life so I can recognize the signs. I knew right there that we needed to end it . I knew that nothing good would become of us. I saw Mrs. Karma shake her head and as I looked at the juries I could see the repulsive looks on their faces. I heard one women say That couldn’t have been me”.. Oh yeah, that is what I sad too. I thought that I was so much better than that and so much better than what I was receiving from him. I thought that I would have walked by now. I thought a women like me would not put up with a mans bull shit ever again. I thought that I learned from my last relationship. Yet here I sit in this court room sharing details of my private hell to perfect strangers.

“What was the last straw for you Mrs. Kendrick”? Mrs. Karma asked. There are to many straws to count but the one that I will share with you is when he left to go to Jamaica for the holidays and he slept with a random women there. That change the score card. “Why did that change the score card; if you allowed him to do that in the beginning”? she asked . Well; I began, I started viewing myself differently by then. I started talking and voicing my concerns instead of hiding them from him in order to avoid conflict. I also started a journey with accepting myself; and my mental challenges. I was no longer afraid to share with others about my mental illness. I spoke to him in depths about how that made me feel and he promised me that he wouldn’t do that again to me.. ( but of course he did and of course he lied) You know; there is certain type of connection a person shares with someone they care about and sleep with. When he came home I knew something was off and the vibe was wrong. I just knew he did something. After a lot of poking and prodding the truth came out. I lost every bit of trust I had left for him. I remember crying and screaming on the phone to empty ears. He was so unemotionally unavailable that it was scary. He was so cold and ice like as if my existence and pain didn’t matter to him. He spoke to me in a harsh and demeaning tone as if I did something wrong to him personally. Like I was the one who slept with another person. How dear he turn that shit around on me like that and why hell did I feel like I was in the wrong when I knew I wasn’t?

Ever since that moment it was never the same. “Did” you call him again? Mrs. Karma asked? ” But of course I did” I said. I was pleading with him to not treat me unkind. Asking him”why are you treating me this way”? What did I do wrong to deserve this to be done to me? I remember asking him to come over the day after. Repeatedly. I resorted back to the deck of sex cards in hopes that would work and I could see he. ( Thankfully he said NO) I wanted him to just talk to me. I pleaded “don’t leave me”and a whole bunch of other bullshit. In the end we decided that this was getting out of hand and to toxic for the both of us. He apologized for what he did and that was that. The day after I felt nasty, stupid, used up and discarded like waste. I felt like he used and abused me. I was ashamed that he knew all my private secrets and personally traumas. I felt like he got a chance to experience all the goodness in me and he still was able to just walk away so easily as if I meant nothing to him in the first place. I felt like a Nobody, a person that was a gluten for punishment and a fool. I must say before I move on Your honor that there were good days and great days shared between us too. There were long passionate steamy nights and conversations that kept us awake until the crack of dawn full of laughter and cheer. There were amazing moments watching sports together, cuddling together and enjoying good food together. I have learned an awful lot from him along the way that has helped shaped me in better ways. I will not sit here and claim it was all for not and it was horrible from beginning to end because that would be a lie. He did try to make little changes for me. I noticed when he tried. Let me give him credit where credit it due.

“Where do you stand today Mrs. Kendrick” I heard her say over my tears.. I wiped my face and I said. You know your Honor: I just really wanted to be loved so bad. In the course of that; I accepted and tolerated things that I didn’t deserve . The day that he told me ” Loyalty wasn’t a big deal to him I should have done more than think about what he said. I should have walked away when he said it. I am here to tell the court that I am not a victim. I was a willing participant in my own misery. I was well aware that I was not being treat like the Queen that I know that I am and I accepted that. I was well aware that he showed me on numerous occasions that he was not a good human being, partner or Friend but yet in still; I kept searching for the good in him all the way down in the bottom of the barrel. He never lie to me about who he was from the beginning. I accepted who he was at face value without trying to change him willfully. I accepted his roaming eyes and his lust for other women. I accepted and knew that he was a Narcissistic person too and I did try to change him by my deeds and actions and that clearly didn’t work neither. I was so swept up in the sexual aspect of it all, the fun of it all and the handsomeness of it all; so much so; that I lost myself loving him along the way. I was being so superficial that I disregarded his horrendous internal nature and his cold demeanor . I was engulfed with the idea of having a warm body in my bed instead of going to bed alone like usual . Many nights as I laid beside his warm body I have never felt more alone. isolated and sadder than I did with him.I saw all the read flags being thrown onto the field of life and I ran straight up to them, look at them, read them and kept going. I felt my gut intuition going off on red alert so many times and all I did was place a plastic bag over the light and push the feeling down in order to be with him again. There is no one else to blame but me for being so desperate for wanting to feel loved. The funny thing is I never felt loved not once the whole time I was with him. I lived in my mind most of the time with him making him into my Knight and Shinning Armor. It’s not his fault that I offered him the star role in my drama series. He was playing a role that was not meant for him to play, prepared for him to play or wanted to play. I did my soul a total disservice by allowing the wrong soul to make a connection with my beautiful soul. I should have listen to my gut from the start and not from my lonely heart.

Your Honor. If I may… I don’t think that he honestly deserved me. I think he took full advantage of my giving and caring nature. He knew that his intentions where not pure or in my best interest but he proceeded anyways. He was well aware of all my past hurts, pain and struggles and he promised me that he would not be a source of pain to me too. He did what he knew what to do. He came into this with different motives than mine. I am not the one that lost a rare and beautiful human being. I am not the one that lost a real friend that would have had his back to the end. I am not the one who lost out on a great , loyal, honest, creative , loving and amazing soul. He will miss what he had after I am long gone, The reality of what he lost will sting him in the end like a stingray. You know what? I actually won here not him. I won myself back, my self esteem back, my pride, my happiness, my self respect, my dignity, my pride, my peace of mind and so much more. In return I lost a narcissistic, unemotional, unkind, selfish and uncaring soul. I am not here to teach boys how to become men. I am not here to rehabilitate sick and wounded men. I am not here to raise any one else son’s. ( I have my own son to raise.)That was their mothers job. I just wanted to acknowledge that out loud to you and every one in court today. I really am not missing out on anything that will serve my soul. Help with my elevation as a person or to help with my healing process. I am on the right road of becoming a better version of myself daily. I don’t hate him. Instead I respect the Universe for sending him to me. It showed me that I still have a lot of word to be done with myself.

So your honor I am guilty as charged and I am ready to accept my punishment. Court room was silent. So silent that you could hear a pin drop. She looked at me and said ” Kidada Kendrick I appreciate that you’re taking full accountability for the part you played in all this” , ” I know that was emotionally hard for you to admit your truth in front of all these complete strangers” She went on to say ” I applaud you for your bravery , honesty and candor” . With that being said I sentence you back in to Therapy for another year. You must do and complete community service with yourself.” I believe there is still a lot of hidden pain, old wounds and other emotional issues that you need to take care of “. “You are not to get into a committed relationship for a year or better”. You are not allowed to see, call or have sex with him anymore”. That is off the table. She said. She continued and said “I will allow you to call him for important reasons only; if there is such a need. There will be no over night stays at his house, he is not allowed in your home or in your panties”.”You have a year or two to complete my order” she declared. You are not to have any interaction with any males until you gain more self love and self respect for yourself” Mrs. Karma came close to me and whispered in my ear “Good job beautiful soul. I believe in you” and she walked off and disappear into the air just like magic. Leaving a trail of hope, love and gold pix dust behind her. The judge excused me . I slowly rose off of the bench feeling, light, free and ready . The juries rose from their seats as well and started to file out of the court room. Before they left I saw the tears in their eyes as they all gave me a smile and thumbs up. I walked out into the noon day sun feeling revitalized, inspired and full of hope again. Gone was the feeling of shame, regret, pain and sorrow. It left my body the moment I started speaking my truth, I am no ones Victim and I will not play the victim card neither! I was a willing participant in my pain. I knew better and yet I chose to look away. I am proud of myself for acknowledging my truth. No matter what; today I have learned that the one person you should never lie to is yourself and if anything ever insults your soul you need to release it.

7 thoughts on ““Lets not Play the Victim role”

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