I knew it was coming and now It’s here I am depressed. I have slept my day away yesterday.I woke up at 7:30 in the evening to my son kissing my forehead. There is something brewing inside of me and I don’t like it. Every time I opened my eyes tears fell from them so I decided to go back to sleep to avoid the pain of thinking. When I finally woke up I could hear a voice inside my head loud and clear saying ” You are NOTHING and you will never be NOTHING”! I started crying. The word “nothing” is killing me slowly. I started thinking back to the conversation I had the night before and how it ended. It ended the way every other conversation ends with me crying and doubting myself and my existence.
I hate when people call me every name but my name. I am not just sexy, fine, freaky, alluring, captivating, beautiful or crazy. I actually am intelligent, inspiring, loving, kind- heart, compassionate, empathetic, a great mom and an all around amazing human being but all I get credit for is my looks or what I can do in the bed. I wish others knew how much that hurts my soul and decreases my value as a person. It makes me feel like that is all that I can offer to the world at times and I know in my heart that is a lie. Why is that all that I am chalked up to be? Why can’t people see more in me? Is it the way I walk, talk or act? Is the way that I talk, say my words or is it my crook smile that allures them? Is it the sway of my hip or the bounce of my breast that puts me in the zone of being sexually lusted after but never really loved or wanted or is there spiritual sexual demon attached to my soul?
My life has never been easy from the time I was a child. Ever since I was ten men in and around my family have always treated me like a sexual object or a piece of meat. I have never been looked at like an innocent child that needed love and protection. I developed early in my childhood and it was very noticeable. The moment that my body started changing the males in my life started changing as well. I was never looked at or loved for who I was but for what I looked like and what I could offer them sexually. Overtime, this dysfunction became my normal. I begin to think of myself as a body and not as a person with ideas, dreams and hopes. I begin to see myself as the sexual object that others projected me as. I have always known that there was more to me than meets the eye but people never took the effort to see if I had more to offer than my body.
I try so hard to show people that I am more than the flesh that is on my body that I am heart and soul and everything else beautiful. I have so much to offer humanity than a fuck or sexual experience. To be placed in that light is so dismissive and deplorable to my self- esteem. I know that self- esteem starts and ends with me but to have always been seen in this light has impacted me greatly. There came a time in my life that I accepted it and thought there was nothing more to me than that. Once I hit my 20’s I knew I had a killer body and that was my reality. Men flocked from all over to be seen with me, be in my presence or wanting to be in my bed. I was well a where by then that I was sexually appealing to the masses. I started seeing myself as others did by then. It is tragic but if that is all you know and have been treated since ten years old it is not dysfunctional thinking it is normal thinking.
I remember sitting in the park praying to God and asking him to make me fat and undesirable because I wanted someone to love me for me instead of the earthly shell that I was in. Fast forward two decades later, 30 pounds heavier and two kids later I am still viewed in the same manner. The only difference now is that I am a homebody and I do not receive the same attention outside of my home because I barely go outside because of my anxiety. However, my online presence has replaced it instead. I can’t begin to tell you how often I hear how fine or beautiful I am or how my eyes are full of lust. Not to mention how often men place unwanted penis picture in my inbox or how many couples ask me to participate in threesomes with them. How often I am looked at a sexual object of their online lust and thinking is unimaginable to me. No matter how I try to share with others my thoughts, ideas and more; I am still over looked and brought back to the one thing that always follows me; my sex appeal.
I am no spring chicken and I am still proud that I over all am still attractive. So don’t get it wrong but I want to be seen as more than what I look like and what I can do in the bed. My last relationship really did me in. I thought that I was in something with a person that accepted and cared about me as a person and I finally thought for once I mattered more than my body did. I thought that I finally was going to be appreciated for what Kidada and her mind and what I brought to the table but that was all a lie. Once again I was bamboozled. I went into it with a pure heart and open arms. I accepted the person for face value and for who they were at the time. I thought that if I was that open and honest that the person would be as well. However, I found out after 5 years that I too was a sexual conquest for them as well. They were more interested in what I could do in the bed just like everyone else. Five years is a long time to pretend to be invested into a person but I saw all the red flags but I chose to not only ignore them but flat out disregard them all together like a fool. I saw it for what it was but love made me dilute the truth and I accept that it’s more my fault than his because all the signs were there on full blast.
I wanted to believe in my mind that after all these years I was finally loved for who I was and not for what I brought to the bedroom. It was a big blow to my ego. It felt like I was molested all over again. He baited me. He wooed me. He pretended like he cared. I told him about my past and how I was so hurt from the other males in life. I shared with him all the things that I kept so close to my heart that hurt me. He appeared like a knight in shinning; offering me a lollipop and a lap to sit on. I was so invested in the thought of him and what he had to offer that I disregarded all the red flags just to feel like I was being loved finally for who I was . I saw when the disrespect crept in and I let it slide for a dream. I saw when it became blatant and yet and still I gave him a chance instead of walking away. When you are an abuse survivor you tend believe that you deserve what is happening to you. That you are bad one and that somehow it is all your fault. I know the advantage women would have bailed earlier but because of my background I am always apologizing and trying to understand the behavior of other people.
I know that it was a toxic and healthy relationship that I was in but I am used to toxicity from my family, father, mother, sisters, brother, father of my children and more that I tend to accepted toxic relationships as my norm. I seem to thrive in what is unhealthy because I don’t know any better nor have I experienced any better. From a child I was emotional and physically abused by my own father. He use to punch me in the face , drag me up concrete stair by my hair and beat me with anything in his eye sight and yet and still I loved him and wanted so desperately to be loved by him. No matter how many times he called me a bitch, stupid or his favorite ” I wish I would have let your mother abort you” I still craved his attention. When my uncles, cousin and other males started slipping in my room or bathroom unannounced and without warning I still just wanted to be seen as their little cousin or niece. When the camp counselor walked in on me showering at camp showing me his penis at 12 I was appalled yet I again just wanted to be seen as a child not a piece of meat. When no one would listen but instead send me to other family members house to get me out of their hair to only be treated like that from the males in that home too. It was like I could never escape it or I was a magnet for abuse from others I loved. I was always running away . I remember when My mother kicked me out and I landed in a foster home and I woke up to the foster father standing over me naked or telling my social worker who I trusted and in returned he tried to hit on me sexually too.
There are to many stories to write about at this given time but they all hold a place in my head and has shaped how I view myself, others, the world and how I view the men in my life. I have always accepted the unacceptable all my life from all the people in my life. Still believing that there was good even in them. even if they saw no good in me but my body. There have been some good men in my life too. I think I ran them off because I couldn’t believe that someone was being good to me or they didn’t have an agenda for me. I was scared to love them because I always thought that they were lying and would eventually show their true colors and reveal their true agenda for me . I lost them in the process of over thinking and thinking I did not deserve to be treated good. That was such a lie. I hate that I told myself that. By the time My children’s father came along I was sad and lonely and pursued him. I wanted to be the pursuer and not the pursed for once but of course I choose a man that was like my father. He cheated on me. He emotional and physically abused me too and finally left me to raise my children on my own.
After going through That I was celibate for 7 years and tried to emotional heal myself. I started therapy and tried to change my dysfunctional thinking. I really thought that I was making strives and doing better. It took me a while to come out of my shell and try something new. I wanted to see if I was a changed person. I wanted to see if I would see the red flags and walk away this time. I wanted to see if I would leave as soon as the abuse started. I wanted to see if I had more self respect for myself and loved myself more. What I learned from this last rodeo is that I am still not healed from my past as much as I thought I was. I am so in the need to feel loved that I still will put up with shit that is unacceptable. I understand that no matter how man red flags are thrown on the field that I will disregard them so I am not alone. I see that I am still chasing love and when love has left the table I am still at the table begging for left over scraps. I have learned that No matter how a person treats me I still look for the best in them even when there is nothing good inside of them or even if their actions say they are not. I know that is my pit fall. I always look for the good in others because no one looked for the good inside of me.
I am not ashamed to admit this to myself but I am ashamed to admit this to others. Life has made me feel like ” Nothing”. It has made me feel like I will never mean anything to anyone expect a good time in the bed. It has made me feel like I will never be loved in my life time for being who I am. Life has made me feel like I am everyone side piece desire but no ones marriage material. Life has made me feel like I needed to accept the abuse that has happened to me all my life as normal and move on because I am not worthy of anything better. Life has me thinking that love will forever allude me and appear in another women”s life because she is better than me in some way. I hate that life seem to hate me. It just seems like life has offered me up a plate of shit and that is all I will be ever offered no matter how good of a person I am. I would not sit here and pretend like I am not hurt or I don’t feel like shit. I have been crying for two days straight. So I know that I am hurt. It is a painful feeling to feel like you have nothing better to offer a man but my body. It feels shitty that I go unheard and unloved by others but my children. It feels bad knowing that I am settling for less than I deserve because I just want to be loved even if I have to hype it up in my head.
I am tired of living like my life is meaningless. I am tired of being half loved. I am tired of being a sexual object for thirty- five years now. I am tired of how easy it is for others to walk out my life and discard me like a bag of trash after they used me up and no longer deem me useful. I’ve had abandonment issue every since my mom left me as a toddler with my abusive father. I have never had anyone stick around long except my two beloved children. I am tired of accepting the unacceptable. I am tired of chasing AFTER LOVE. Maybe I am not meant to be loved or married. Maybe I am meant to love the people in my life. Maybe that is not my calling in life. Some people may not be here to be loved or feel love but to be the vessel of it to show others how love feels. I don’t want to accept this . Truly I don’t but I have been chasing after love for more than 30 years now and all it has given me is the love of my kids. I love that they are here don’t get me wrong. It’s because of them that I understand and have felt what unconditional love feels like. I love them so much but I am a women first and I would love to feel unconditional love from a man that I love and who’s love me too. I want to feel, loved, cherished, protected, cared for and appreciated for I am and not what I can do for them sexually.
I started of writing about how I felt like nothing. How I am depressed and that was what the voice in my head was saying to me. As this nears to a close. I know that that is far from the truth. I am “Someone”! I am not “Nothing”. I am a women of of great character. I have a lot to offer the world. I am kind, loving caring, inspiring, helpful and amazing. I am loyal, reliable, affection and would give the shirt of my back to help others. I have great and pure intention for others and I want what’s best for anyone in my life. I am an honest person that deserves what I give others. Just because life has handed me the shitty end of the stick; up until now doesn’t mean that it will always be like this. I know that I have a hell of a lot of work to do for myself. I can’t teach my daughter this toxic behavior or how to acceptable the unacceptable all in the name of love.
It’s okay to be lonely beloveds. It’s okay to be by yourself instead of being with someone that still makes you feel alone while they are there. It’s okay to be alone than with someone that is unemotional uninterested and unavailable to you. It’s okay to be alone than with someone that is disrespectful to you because you have allowed them to be that way for so long; that it’s okay with them because you made it that way. I have to learned that no matter what has transpired in my life thus far that I don’t have to accept anything less than I deserve. I deserve to be loved too. I deserve for a PERSON TO LOVE me the way that I love them. I deserve so much more than I give myself credit for. I don’t deserve to be half ass loved anymore. I need to be fully loved or not loved at all. No matter how much people have hurt me I don’t need to accept unacceptable behavior or abuse in my life just because that is all I know. I don’t need to look for the good in everyone anymore. I need to let them go once they show me that they are not a good person. I need to stop allowing my loyalty to keep me institutions that are not serving my soul anything thing but pain.
I understand that the voice in my head wants me to believe that I am unlovable and that my life has no meaning or purpose. I know that my depression is settling in and I don’t need to listen to the words that it is saying to me. It is hard at night for me the most. When I am laying there in the bed and the words and memories of my life start replaying every failure up until now and they being flashing and looping in my head like a never ending movie. I begin to cry and lose hope. True enough; I have to acknowledge my feelings but I don’t have to accept them for face value or the Holy Grail . I tend to give myself and love to people that are not worthy of me or anything I have to offer because l like they are under dogs like me. I have to change the way I see myself . I need to strip myself of all the projections and things people said and did to me and start seeing myself in a more positive light. I am not what happen to me. I am not what happened to me. I am not what people say I am. I am not what people say I am. I am not an sexual object. I am not a sexual object. I am a divine soul of light and love. I am love embodied in the flesh. I am lover of souls and humanity . Most importantly I am the lover of my own soul.
I am so much more than I give myself credit for. I am so much more than a person that settles for runner ups. I am a person that should be and will be loved , cherished. adored and protected. I will one day feel the power of genuine love. I will not have to feel the biter taste of struggle all my life. I will be accepted for who I am as a person and not who I am in the bedroom. I am more than “Nothing” I am “Someone” and I have always have been. I can’t allow my past to play a part in my glorious future. Thank God for life lesson coming back around to show me that I still have a lot of healing and work to be done. Thank God It has shown me that I am still that wounded little Girl still seeking approval, love, validation and approval from people that don’t deserve to breathe the same air that I breath. Thank God that I am well aware of my down falls and I not trying to cover them up or find an excuse for what I do. I know the reason why I do what I do. Now that I am aware of this I need to change. I know this is going to be painful inner work but It is much needed. I will never become the best version of myself if I avoid doing the dirty work and overlooking things in people so I can feel a piece of love.
As I write this I am feeling better for admitting my truth. For seeing where I need improvement and where I am still wounded. I don’t need to accept being half ass loved just because I want to feel something close to it. I know that every day will be different . I know some nights will prove to be difficult. I know that I will cry and ask why or what did I do wrong all over again. I know that I am going to want to take all the blame and see know wrong in others. I know that it will take time to heal from this too but what I what I have can to the conclusion this morning is that I am ” Something” and I should never feel like I am ” Nothing” because others do not see the value in me. I am more than enough even If I am not enough for the wrong person. I will be enough for the person who sees the beauty in what I have to offer. All that matters is that I see the worth and value in myself and that I keep improving myself for myself no matter who is or isn’t in my life. It’s not me who lost out . It is them who lost a genuine, loving and amazing human being. I don’t care what mental illness plagues my mind. I am stiller a stellar human being who deserve to be loved just as hard as I love others. I am going to pick myself up by the boot strap and forge on. I will not allow this pain or depression sway me or have me believing that I am not a great person that is here to make a impact on humanity just because an asshole made me feel differently. I hope that whomever is reading this understands that you too are more than enough ,, you are worthy, you are valuable and your existence is needed and and wanted. No matter what has happen to you in your past and now do not allow it to dictate how you act or move. Learn who you are without the pain. Learn why you do what you and how it effects you daily and make changes. You are Someone and if your mind is chanting the opposite to you don’t listen to the negative words. Call someone, reach out to someone , write out your feelings. Just do anything but believe that you are “Nothing” that is a big fat lie from the pits of hell! You are ” Someone” and you ” Matter”.