I can feel it coming as the fog looms over my mind. I hear it in the distance like a steam engine train slowly coming down the train tracks ebbing closer and closer to me. I hear the sound of trains whistle drifting in the air; as it warns my mind that it’s coming to a stop near me. I hear the wind blowing and the air changing as we speak. I am starting to prepare my mind, body and children that it is coming and it will be arriving soon. I am not scared of it because the train has stopped here before; many times actually. It’s just that now I am more aware of it’s impending arrival and that has been my saving grace. I have not been sleeping well for days on end now. Who am I lying to? I haven’t been sleeping well for the past month. I have being enjoying my friend Miss. Mania for a while now. I know that partying with her to long is not good for my health but she is so enticing, fun a full of energy to me. The long night of no sleep are a breeze whenever she comes over to play. The boundless amounts of energy she gives me feels so damn good.
She is always filling my mind with endless thoughts and Ideas. I feel like I am on top of the world whenever she is around. To be honest I am in love with her. Have you ever been in love with something or someone that you know is toxic to you? You know that the relationship you share with this person is an unhealthy one but some how even that is intoxicating and exciting to you still? Well that is how I feel whenever Mania come to visit. However, just like always she is packing up her bag without warning and planning to leave. I am holding on to her for dear life because I know what is pulling up in my train station as soon as she leaves and I am not ready for her. I feel like I was dancing with the devil and I have earn whats to come. After all, partying with Miss. Mania comes with severe consequences.
As the fog lifts and I see the chimney stack of the train and the smoke bellowing above. I can’t see the loco motive yet but it is definitely coming. As I sit patiently for it to come I started asking myself all sorts of questions. Such as; why didn’t you make sure you took your medication Kidada? Didn’t you know that not sleeping would make matters worst? What about the death of your cousin four mornings ago? Didn’t you know that it was going to come and hit you like a ton of bricks? As the questions are pouring in I start looking at all the triggers that hit me this week too. Such as, My stove blew up out of the blue on Monday.Then my daughter is really depressed too and when she is depressed I am overly concerned for her always. Especially after she tried to take her life the last time. I have never been the same after that. At the same time I am watching my son go through his mania at rapid speed. Watching him has my head spinning and smoke pouring out of my ears.. He is rapid cycling as well and that is not only exhausting to watch but is even harder be a part of . He is up and down all day. It is hard to keep up with his mood swings. In his case I have front row seats to his mania show. It is a live act that never misses a beat. All the while I am also attending my daughter melancholy play that is bringing me down more.
I also had a misunderstanding and blow out with a person I care about and it reopened some old feeling and some old wound that I thought I was some what healed from. Come to find out that I really am not. So here I patiently sit waiting at the train station and writing these feelings out on my laptop. I am aware of it’s upcoming arrival but I am unaware of its arrival date and time. Yesterday I started feeling lost. I noticed I had a lost of interest in what normally excites me. I found that I can’t explain in words exactly how I feel because I don’t know how I feel. My energy has been replaced with exhaustion. My sleepless night are now replaced with endless bouts of sleep. You know the type of sleep that you can’t get enough of but at the same time it’s not enough? I remember waking up and making breakfast for my son at 6 in the morning and then waking up again at 8 in the morning to make breakfast for my daughter. When I regain consciousness again It was 3 in the afternoon and then again at 7 pm and I was still tired.
I can feel the agitation stirring up inside of me every time my phone sends me a text, a notification or if my phone rings period. I just don’t want to be bothered. I am already getting to the point that talking on the phone with someone is too draining to me and replying back to a text is painful to my fingertips to write. I know I can’t turn off my phone because I have kids but damn if I could I would. Every time the phone rang I wanted to scream and throw the phone. After I woke up I laid in my bed listless and disconnected. I could hear myself trying to motivate me to get up and eat and that didn’t go well because I didn’t have an appetite and I love to eat. Next I found myself having a conversation with myself about getting out of the bed. I was trying to explain to myself that I needed to go to bathroom, shower and brush my teeth. Well, that didn’t end well. I woke up two hours later to my son asking me was I okay.
I finally manage to get up close to 7 pm and I managed to crawl out of my bed thanks to my son and finally did what I needed to do for myself personally. Out of the blue in the shower tears began to fall like a waterfall. I was glad that the water from the shower head was falling on my face masking my tears and blending it together as one. Why the hell am I crying I kept asking myself? Where the hell did this come from? That is all I could ask myself. I hurried up and pulled it together before I walked out of the bathroom. I didn’t need my children to worry about me. After all; I am the adult and I need to have it all together for them. My day started at 9 pm tonight; the same time that my youngest is getting prepared for bed. I felt bad that I was vacant mentally and emotionally for her. So I pulled it together enough to listen to her talk about her day and for her to ask if I could text her therapist because she is depressed too and she needs to talk to her. I hopped right on that and threw my shit to the side to be there for her until she fell asleep.
I know what’s coming. I know when the train pulls into my station it will dock for a while. Who know how long the lay over will be this time. I can only hope that it will not be long and it will not consume me. I don’t have time for this. I am a single mom. They need me here and I need to be alert, focused and present. Not crying , sleeping and pulling away from the two souls that I love the most. I need to here to get my baby through her dark time and here for my son during his manic time. The school year is coming to an end. One is leaving High school and the other is entering high school. This alone is stressing them out as children. I wish someone was here for me like I am there for them. I wish I had someone I could come home to; who could just be here to hold me, understand me, listen to me, motivate me and just be here to stroke my hair as I cry on their lap.
I hate feeling empty, tired and listless. I hate feeling lost, sad, disappointed and lifeless. I hate feeling motionless and non-motivated. I hate the fact that the sun is slowly becoming my enemy and the darkness is quickly becoming my best friend. I hate looking at food and getting sick to my stomach or drinking water that never quenches my internal thirst for life . I hate the feeling of hating the things I love doing like working out, reading or just having energy to get through my day. I hate feeling unproductive and lazy because my body and mind does not want to cooperate and be on one accord. Most off all I hate that my bedroom is being my tomb and my bed is becomes my casket and sleeping all day becomes my normal all over again. I am not ready for that train to pull in . I don’t want it to stop here but I know that it’s on it’s way. All I can do is buckle up and brace myself for it. I have already spoken to my children and told them that my train is coming in and laying over for a while.
Soon my phone will begin to ring and I will not be able to answer it. The in people in my life will beginning assuming that I am ignoring them and I won’t have enough energy to start explaining myself to others; that I am not ignoring them. I will start silently retreating from everyday life and the Vibrant colors in my life will slowly start fading to a dreary and dull gray color. I am not scare of what’s coming . I just hate how negative, sad and empty it makes me feel. This is why I welcome Mania. I hate to admit it but I prefer to ride the highs of life with her than ride the lows of life with the other one. I hear the train coming closer and closer. I can hear the faint whistle in the distance. I see the smoke of depression bellowing from the chimney stack as it nears my stop. I am not ready but I am prepared and I hope the lay over is not long.