I Am a Beautiful Hard Pill to Swallow!

Dear Kidada,

Good morning beautiful. I see that we are up again in the wee hours of the morning. I thought that I would take the time out to talk to you from a different perspective. I see you. I am apart of you. I am your beautiful soul. I need you to write my thoughts out and read them later. This conversation is for your benefit and for the benefit of the people in your life too. I believe that you assume that you are an easy pill to swallow. You believe that just because you are sweet, kind, compassionate, caring and loving that people should view you in the same manner. Yes; you truly are all those things and way more than people really know. I must say that I am proud that my soul lives within you. I love the earthly vessel that I call home. However, Let me be the first one to tell you that you a difficult person to be with, to love and to be around at times.

This may seem harsh coming from me but who else better, to be honest to you than your very own soul? First and foremost I need you to come clean with us as a whole and acknowledge out loud that we have some problems. I am sorry for what happened to us as a child. I know that it has damaged us in many ways. I see that you are trying to heal us but you need to own it now and you know what I am referring to. We are a product of a dysfunctional family; which in turn has made us dysfunctional. You have had to use different methods to deal with and cope with the abuse that we endured as a child. I notice that we still live in fear, we are still mistrusting and we are still in survival mode. It is time to change that. Living in survival mode is not healthy for our earthly vessel. We live every day on level red ( terror alert) and ready for anything from anyone at any moment. That can’t be good for our heart, brain, blood pressure and more. It feels like we are pumping adrenaline into our veins like an addict every day.

We don’t sleep. I need you to read that. WE DON”T SLEEP!. Some days we are up for two or three days. I can feel how tired you are. I can see how our mind doesn’t shut off. It keeps running your thoughts on a loop and it is never-ending. Sleeping is important. Our body can not repair its self, heal its self or rejuvenate its self. Are cells and organs need to turn over and regenerate and do their thing. You need to make a nightly routine and follow it. Most importantly you need to take your medication. I know, I know, You are better without it. It takes away your personality. You like feeling alive and full of life but we can’t go on like this forever. Let me tell you something Kidada. This will not end well. I know that you do not want to acknowledge what I am about to say but you have to. Kidada we are in Mania mode. You know what happens next right? We are going to go into a deep depression and the cycle will repeat its self again.

You hate to admit this or say it out loud; so let me say it for you. Yes, Kidada we have Bipolar one disorder. We are experiencing all the signs below and have been for two weeks now.

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It’s important that we start taking are medication before it gets worst. I also understand and notice how the anxiety is affecting you too. I hate staying indoors all day every day. I miss the feel of the sun on our skin. I miss how the wind feels caressing our face. I miss trail walking, hiking and just being outside. It has been three months since we have gone out. Three whole months. You go out once a month to pay our rent and everything else is ordered offline or purchased by your son or daughter. I know that you live in fear, fear of people, fear of something bad happening and the fear of how the world perceives your “otherness”. Yes, they will look at you because you are a rebel going against the grain and bending the rules of what society deems as acceptable. Get over it. Take your medication, center yourself, meditate and do some deep breathing. Please, I beg of you to please go outside again. The world misses you.

You have Post-traumatic syndrome disorder from our horrific childhood abuse. From the time you was rape, homeless, abandoned, mistreated, used and abused from other people in your life. We need to really work on this. Figure out are triggers, feel the pain and grow through together. I was so proud of you going to the Therapist every week until the car broke down. You were and still am making progress. However, you need to make an appointment today after the kids go to school. You need her. There is still so much hidden pain, anger, and resentment inside of you. I know that you want to feel like your normal but baby girl. you are your own special version of normal and that is fucking beautiful.

I know that reading this is going make you feel like a bad human being but it is what it is. We can’t change anything. I want to touch on something else too. Imagine living inside of you and dealing with all of this alone. Now imagine how hard it is for your children and other people in your life to deal with your moody ass. While you are an empathic and loving person who is willing to help the world; you are also hard to handle and be around too at times. People don’t know if you are coming or going. Here or there, mad or sad, happy or depressed. You moods switch up hourly. I can bearly get a handle on your emotions and I live in you. You go from being Mad, Sad, Angry, Jovel, elated, depressed, loving, talkative and silent all in a couple of hours or less. This is hard for people to relate to or understand. They are weary, walking on eggshells and uncertain if you are going to explode or get depressed or both.

The people in your life love you but even they can get tired of all your moody shit. They are not your therapist. They didn’t attend college to understand a mind like yours. They are your friends, loved ones and children. Kidada please slack up on yelling and getting so angry. It’s not healthy. Stop expecting others to understand you when you don’t even understand yourself in totality. Stop get upset and acting like a wounded animal when they stand down and back away. They can only take so much of your moody shit before they have to get away from you because you are driving them crazy too. Acknowledge them and be ever so thankful that even in your darkest moment they never left you. Oh, let me say one more thing. You have one deadly mouth. I need you to watch what you say to other souls when you are angry or feeling misunderstood. You are a guarded for good a reason but everyone is out to hurt us. So please think before you speak because you are a horrible soul to others who you assume are attacking you.

I just noticed that you are writing more lately Kidada and I wanted to be a part of this journey with you. Who else better to write to but to you beloved.? Let me just say this; I am so proud of who you now and with who you are becoming. I am so proud of the healing that I see going on internally. I am so proud of how you are raising your two little angels the best you can with what you have. I am so ecstatic that my soul is living inside of you. You have been through so much tragic shit in your life. So much so that I would have thought you would have taken your life or gone insane by now but you never let it break you and I am so proud of your strength. I am sorry about you losing your mom, dad, and cousin all in two years.

I am sorry that you are so sad inside. I feel your pain and heard you cry yesterday. I just need you to know that any man is lucky to have you in his life. He will be so blessed with you in his life. The reason being; is that You love hard, you are loyal, trusting and beautiful inside and out. You are smart, passionate, intense and one hell of a cook too. There are so many positives to your negatives. However, are not easy to handle, you are difficult at times, mistrusting and very moody too. You have the ability to hurt, suffocate or suck the very life out someone’s soul. However, you have the same ability to nurture, water, love, grow and speak life into their soul too.

I Love you so much Kidada. God sent my soul to the right person, You are resilient, strong, beautiful and amazing. You are a beast girl. I just need you to start sleeping, working out more, take your medication and go back to your therapist soon. Keep working on yourself. I am your biggest supporter and fan. Promise me that you will do that for me. The kids are getting up. Mommy time commerces. lol. I hope you have a beautiful day. Just as beautiful as you are to me. Please don’t feel ashamed about anything that is going on with us mentally. Other people are dealing with their own private hell of their own. They are no better than you are my beloved. I just wanted you to know sweetie that; while you are a dope soul, “you are still not an easy pill to swallow”.

Love your beautiful soul.

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