I Don’t Know How To Feel.

It’s 4:12 am and here I sit. Here I sit switching between different social media sites and searching for the right music to fit this mood that I am in. I know that I am procrastinating, I am searching and looking within for the right words to explain how I am feeling. I am feeling sad, numb and in shock. I feel my emotions swelling up inside my body like a backed up sewer pipe. I am scared to look up at the picture on here because that is my baby cousin staring back at me. So I will keep my head down and look at the keyboard instead; in order to keep my emotional pipe from busting.

I just received a call from back home from my Baby cousin Tina. A call that I wasn’t expecting or prepared to have at three in the morning. I wasn’t able to attend to the call because my phone was charging so I texted her. I am a night bird so receiving calls at this time of the morning is normal from me but when I read the text I could sense the urgency from her words that something wasn’t right. When I read ” Someone passed away” and ” Please sit down for this” I just knew it wasn’t good. When I read the name. I was instantly taken back. I would have never guessed it was going to be him.

I feel it coming. They are here. The tears are flowing so gingerly down my face now. Yes, now I am looking up at his picture in a state of disbelief. I just can’t believe this moment is happening. I just can’t believe that it is him. I just can’t believe that he is gone. Man, my cousin was a dope soul. A kind, smart and amazing human being. I can’t believe that I am writing about him in past tense. Why I am not writing ” is” instead of ” was” When I speak of him? It’s not fair that I am sitting here feeling like a ball of tangled up feelings swinging from a live wire in a category 5 hurricane?

I don’t know how to process what I am feeling. Tonight I understand that I still love my family no matter what. I thought out of sight is out of mind but that isn’t true if they are in your heart and he was in my heart. I moved away from Boston at eighteen and only returned once in twenty years. Without spilling all the beans and explaining away the dynamics of my highly dysfunctional family and why I keep my distance from them I will just stay on the topic of my beloved cousin. After all, it’s about him and not me right now.

My cousin said he got shot and killed early yesterday morning around three am after leaving an after party on Greenwood street. Even the street name is making me cry because he died down the street from our childhood home. Which means that My auntie Carrol and his sister heard the shots from inside their home. They were there on the scene to identify my cousin’s body. I can’t fucking fathom that thought. I can’t imagine how they felt. I can’t imagine the pain, the deep core like pain that they experienced looking at his lifeless body. Omg, I know my poor aunt is a wounded and hollow vessel walking. I know that my cousin is beside herself with unexplainable grieve because they were more like best friends instead of brother and sister.

We have lost so many family members in the past two years including my beloved father, my cousin Earl and my auntie Hattie. I just don’t think my family can handle another death at this point. As I write this I am thinking about what if that was me identifying my son’s lifeless body. If I feel like this and he is alive I can’t imagine how my beloved Auntie Carrol feels. That was ( damn there I go again writing “was” again) That was the only son she had. He was her morning melody and heart song. He was her hope, her joy and the reason why she took another breath. She was so proud of him and all that accomplished in his short time on earth.

I know many people will stake the claim in saying that they loved one was a “good person” but I can honestly say that my cousin really was a great soul, an amazing son, awesome cousin, beautiful human being, the best brother, stellar co-worker, and great boyfriend. He was a wonderful, kind and caring human being that was placed on this earth to help his fellow man-kind and children alike. My cousin played Division I basketball at the University of Michigan, graduating in 2008. In 2012, he founded the Big Business Network, Inc., which taught boys in fourth through eighth grades about business and investing.

My cousin Kendric was a great young coach too who worked with the basketball program at UMass in Boston. Like everyone walking this planet he was a beautifully flawed human being as well. He was not perfect and never tried to be anything other than himself. I remember him as a tall linky child and teenager with a smile that would rival the sun herself. He was always smiling and always happy and he grew into a tall handsome, smart and athletic young man. He made my auntie so proud to be his mother and just like that my cousin is no longer here, no longer breathing and no longer make a contribution or impact on this planet we call earth.

Death is a permanent state of being. There is no coming back or “see you laters” anymore. I will never hear his voice, see his smile and feel his laughter over the phone. I will never be able to read his thoughts or keep up with his remarkable achievements on Facebook anymore. I will never hear any more stories about him and the fun he had with my family. Gone are the pictures of him going down my facebook feed with his smiling face. They are now replaced with news Articles, RIP post, grieving family post and pictures of him before he died. His life is being remembered and celebrated after death like an artist. I don’t want to remember him damn it ! I WANT TO SEE HIM!!! I WANT TO SEE HIM ONE MORE TIME. I am so glad that the last time we spoke I told him I loved him!!

What truly hurts my soul is that my cousin Kendric was a Dope ass soul. He was a great person. I mean really a great person. He was here doing amazing things to help others. He was not a drug dealer, trouble maker, rapist, molester or anything else that would be considered as a troubled soul. He was a stellar person that had every fucking right to still be here breathing the same air I am. Explain to me why the fuck do the good guys always come in last or die first? Explain to me why did this positive and enlighten soul die before he could contribute more to this dying ass planet. Why is my poor auntie Carrol going to have to lay to rest her heart and soul soon because some poor excuse for a human being killed him? How come he isn’t dead? How come 14 bullets were not zooming his way instead of lodging and making a room in my cousin’s body?

I am so conflicted. I teach my kids to be compassionate, kind, loving and empathic human beings. I teach them to look out for their fellow man. To feed the homeless, care for the young and to take care of the elderly. Why am I essentially teaching my children what my auntie taught my cousin if, in the end, it will not end well for them? Hell, In reality, it has never ended well for me; being the type of soul that I am teaching them to be. Being the good, kind and empathic soul in a world that idolizes bad souls, athletes, celebrities and bad behavior is a no-win situation. How and why the Universe took away such an amazing soul in the prime of his life to only replace him with something named after him? He deserved the right to be here today. He deserved to grow old, get married and have children. He was a fucking good person and now all we can say is that ” I remember how good of a person he was”

My beloved Cousin. Omg, I am so sorry that your life was cut short. I am so sorry that your body is in the morgue instead of in your warm bed. I am sorry that your mom and sister are broken over your passing. I am sorry that you died in that fashion with a hail of bullet piercing through your strong body as the snow fell on your lifeless body. I am so sorry that you will never be able to marry your pretty girlfriend and have your very own babies like me. I am so sorry that the world will not be able to see your smile, hear your voice or experience how dope your soul was. Just know that in your short life here on earth; you have accomplished and touched more lives than a man that has lived twice as long as you. You are missed, will be missed and will never be forgotten. I am sorry that you had to leave before your time. I feel honored and blessed to have known and experienced your beautiful soul on this earthly realm. I just don’t want to type ” Rest in peace””omg……. I just don’t want to write that because It makes this all real but I will wipe the flood of tears off my face and say

” RIP Kendric Price”

I will not say I loved you because I still love you now and forever.

4 thoughts on “I Don’t Know How To Feel.

    1. I live alone with my two children. I didn’t want to worry them so I went into my bedroom and started blogging my feelings. I was shaking and crying after the first pharagragh. Towards the end I was sobbing uncontrollably.. I just paused, gathered my thoughts and continued writing .

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  1. I am truly sorry for your loss. I feel weird even looking at that sentence. I know how I feel when people say those words to me. “I’m sorry for your loss.”? I remember the Christmas Eve night(2014 ) that I’d gotten the call that my 18 yr old daughter had passed in her sleep. I remember asking my best gf, “What do you say to that?” Thank you? Believe me when I’d gotten the call that my 1st child died in her sleep, I’d just spoken to her some 12 hrs before. I was the last person she’d talked to before she went to sleep and died. I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t see signs or anything. But being a Woman of God, because she died of natural causes, in the end I saw it as God calling her home. Not everyone has the same mentality as I, but that is what has gotten me through these past few years. Be Blessed!

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    1. Greetings and hello beloved soul. Wow, you sound just like me. Up until I hit my 40’s I never experienced death before. After I hit 40 I lost my Mom, my dad and my baby cousin here, I never knew what to say to anyone that loss a loved one. I don’t thank there are enough words in the English dictionary to express the right words during such a time. So I would all ways say that my door, phone and time would be made available at anytime of the day or night if they need to talk, needed a listening ear or just want to scream , cry or vent. After I lost my parents and then my cousin I finally felt what death felt like first hand and I knew then that no words could ever make it right, bring them back or take away the pain. I am so very sorry about the late response and for your precious, precious precious beautiful daughter . I couldn’t imagine that at all. I read your comment and I promise you I kissed my daughter for the both of are daughters. I am beyond sorry that you have ever had to experience such a tragedy of epic portions as that. The strength in your words about her was weirdly comforting. I am so glad that you were able to speak to her 12 hours before that gave me a sense of piece to my soul. You truly are a blessed soul and I honor the way you think and I honor your baby girls beautiful existence too. When I wrote this I was so so so hurt because this was a very decent and good soul that helped many lives and he lost his life being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I thought is was a senseless murder for no good reason; but after all; is any murder for a good reason. You remind me of my Grandmother when he passed away. She was so calm and said ” Kidada God knew what he was doing and he makes no mistakes” Thanks for responding beloved. May you have a day as beautiful as you and your words were to me.

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