It’s okay not to be okay.

I woke up to empty bottles scattered all over my bed and chip bags clinging to my wet and clammy hot Florida skin. I heard myself say at 10:23 am “ Get up Kidada” as I drifted away into a lucid like dream state. I felt my mind trying to fight it as my body slowly drifted off to sleep. Again I woke up and drank from one of the many bottles scattered in my bed. I looked out side the window and I saw the sun shining so brightly through my dark tightly drawn curtains. I was so angry with the sun shining so brightly on my untidy surroundings not to mention the tall layers of lush and beautiful grass growing every so greatly in my backyard. Reminding me of the reasons why I have been in bed for the last three days and haven’t been able to cut the grass in so long. As I stared out of the window looking at the grass I could imagine a lion in awaiting ready to pounce on me like a poacher ready to kill him. It hid ever so quietly in the tall grass like in African waiting for the chance as I drifted back to sleep again. Once again I fought it. I told myself to get up and stop sleeping my day away. As I wrestled with my mind and body not to go back to sleep and begin to tell myself all the reasons why I should be getting up and start my day; I fell back to sleep. I recall telling myself “ baby girl; you are depressed”. I was startled awake by the front door opening and my youngest child walking into house after three from school. As she jumped on the bed telling me about her day. Her voice was piercing my ears making it feel like blood was pouring from my ears from all her happiness. It was then I acknowledged my state of mind and how I got here. Instead of her cheerful voice being me joy like it always has in the past; instead this time me brought pain, resentment and sadness. I just wanted her to stop talking so I could go back to my silent place of darkness and sleep. This is not the case most days. I actually can’t wait for my kids to come home to hear all their stories of what is going on in the world around me while I sit in hiding.

Usually I am well aware when my depression is coming. I wrote a piece about that before but this time I was I kinda shell shocked this time around. Everyone who knows me understands that August is a bad month for me because my parents both passed away two years and two weeks apart from one another. My father passed away on the day that my daughter starts her first day back to school and my mother passed away on my daughters birthday two weeks later. It is particularly tough for me because I wasn’t there for any of them when they passed away or there to say my last good byes before they were laid to rest. I have not honestly dealt with them passing away yet; because my life as a single parent never skips a beats and I honestly do not have time to think about myself let alone the death of my two parents. So as August came creeping in I started to notice that I was slacking on my house chores and lawn work too. The pain; the pain; omg the pain surging though my body is so surreal too. Half of the time I am unable to sleep through the pain, ( unless I am depressed or doped up on Pm pain pills) I am unable to walk up right or walk in general without the pain from my sciatic nerve screaming and the blood clot in the same leg reminding me just how close we have became as friends tangled up in a on going dance of the Tangle and a slow dance entwined as one.

If that is not enough my stability is being snatched out from under the feet of myself and my family out of the blue. I have the uncanny knack of not opening up my mail until I am ready to deal with what is staring back at me. This time I choose the wrong time to do that. While walking through my house I found a letter on the counter top from the Tallahassee Housing authority. I decided at 4 am that I wanted to open it. When I opened it; I found out the house that I am living in from Hud Housing will no longer be available to me. I get help from the government with my housing at the moment.I am not ashamed to admit as a single parent of two kids; with no help from my family or their dad that I needed housing help. I was in a relationship that was abusive in more ways then many before I landed in this house. I finally got up the nerve to leave with my kids and moved into a shelter for two years before I finally got on my own place to live. However, we all know that when you get governmental assistance that at any given day they can do just what they are doing to me and my family at a drop of a dime. I was taken back by the letter. I couldn’t sleep for two days because I was wondering how I would break this to my daughter who just started her first day of high school and my son who’s both jobs are on this side of town. Not to mention that all their friends are in this area too. This is all they have known for the last nine years. I started crying quietly in the Livingroom dreading the thought of telling them.

Next came my day in court. Finally!!. Finally I was going to court for child support after 11 years of this man not helping me. I was so nervous and afraid of the outcome because every time I went in the past the judge always cut him a break and gave him another choice to redeem himself ; which after he walked out of court he went back to not paying me or paying me very little. As I walked in there I noticed that he wasn’t there. My kids are old enough to go to court with me and they both wanted to go so they could tell the court and their father just how hard life is because of his actions. My kids where so sad that they didn’t get their day in court to share their feeling. However; I was able to speak on their behalf and the judge decieded to give him a blue writ( a warrant) for not showing up to court and for not paying his child support. He also mention how three hundred dollars a month for two kids was asinine and he wanted to know who set the bar so low. I was excited when I walked out of there because I thought that someone finally heard my cry and they were actually listening to me but that didn’t prove to be right. For some reason they took off the warrant and allowed him to go back paying what ever he could if he could and that ate me up too.

Life said to me “ Oh baby that’s not enough” Let me break down your car, your dryer and snatch your health why I am at too! “ let me see just how strong you really are beloved” the universe said to me. I have more just sit back and see. As August starts to get into the second week. I noticed that my son has a letter from the Government regarding his tax returns that he has been waiting the last five months for. They needed proof that the person he was claiming was his actually sister. Which she is. I understand that people in the past have defrauded the government claiming kids that where not theirs but this was no such case. He is owed almost five thousands dollars and he is unable to touch it because of this craziness. We have sent every piece of information in to the IRS in regard to the claim but they are still making him wait; even threaten to garnish this poor 19 year old’s check from the last years taxes that were awarded to him in 2017- 2018 . So I have been filing paper work for the year before and giving them what they need for the current year too. I am no tax expert and I do not have a tax lawyer to help me understand what is going on and what we need to do. Do you know how much that five thousands dollars could help this family right now?

My son is working eighteen hour day between two jobs. He is spending roughly two- hundred dollars on uber rides every two weeks. My light bill is killing me because of a recent leak my already high bill is now even higher. I can barely afford to pay the three- hundred and fifty a month as it it but with the leak that they haven’t fixed yet; is almost five hundred dollars this month. How do you explain to your high schooler that money is too low for new school clothes , school supplies and shoes? Well hell; you don’t .I had to pay the rent, light bill and phone bill first and foregoes buying food until two weeks later when my son gets payed. Between me and her case manger we were able to make her smile and get what she needed. I felt happy Until I saw her $4,000,00 school field trip paper work to london, her school fees and her violin bill that just went up $25.00 more dollars too. Just as I was able to breath for two seconds. My son’s medical insurance dropped him the day after he turned 19. I was given no notice until after I tried to call in his medication and it was denied. My son has Bipolar and AdHD too and he needs his medication to function properly and there I was waiting for him to come home to tell him this new set of news. While we share the same diagnosis I decided to give him my medications until I was able to fix this new problem. While I am trying to fix this problem I have another problem brewing which was me.

I need my medication to function just like he does but how could I allow him to go without his medication working an eighteen hour shift; six days a week? I just couldn’t; so I did what any other mother would do. Put their child first. I was able to finally fix the insurance and on the eighteen of this month he will be able to go get his medication. In the interim I have been without my Bipolar medication for a while now. The thing is; my bipolar falls under raging manic modes and small bouts of depression that last no longer than a week or better. This goes the same for my son as will but the only difference he has from me is anger issues; that dwells deeply inside his soul from the pain of his father’s absence. I try to keep his anger at bay by taking him too see his therapist twice a week and by taking and regulating his medication. Where as my daughter has less manic moments and longer and stronger bouts of depression. So I am dealing with two different souls with mental disorders as well as my own and while I am happy to say that I am managing my kids well; I am losing myself in the throws of it all.

I remember just two months ago I wanted to stop taking my medication because I felt like it was hampering my writing and my creativity yet it was stabilizing my moods and keeping me from being all over the place. I was happy with one aspect of it and not the other. The only reason why I didn’t stop taking my medication was because I was afraid of get here. I was afraid of getting depressed and becoming a useless human being with a low ability to function in my everyday life. I was afraid that I would end up here; just where I am today. I hate; just hate being unable to function properly. Not able to move without the pain in my leg or not being able to get out of the bed to shower , brush my teeth and start my morning. The negative thoughts started invading my mind right on que and telling me how shitty of a mommy I am and how I will be homeless before I know it. It’s clearly Gnawing at my self worth, self esteem and my ability to think positively. At least I am not thinking about offing myself like normal but I keep hearing myself telling myself that “You are dying” because of the pain from my sciatic nerve and blood clot in the same leg. I keep hearing ” You have done all you I can do Kidada; give the kids to their father ( Where ever he maybe) and walk away from this shit once and for all and allow him to stress, suffer, struggle and go through all the mental shit that I have to deal with every single day of my life. “Just walk away, leave , you have done enough” is the on going chant in my ear for the last month.

There is no shame in saying that I am so damn tired right now. I am so damn tired of struggling, going hungry, going without and putting myself last for the sake of my kids. I am so damn tired of not sleeping, over sleeping or thinking about sleeping my problems and day away. I am so tired of trying to figure out the next step and the next step and the next step after that without getting a chance to rest in between bouts of struggle and unrest. I am so tired off cooking and eating what is left over so they can have seconds and thirds too.. Damn; do you know how hungry I am too? No; I bet you don’t and neither do you care. I am so tired of living in pain, walking in pain. Sleeping in pain and being in pain 24/7. I am so tired of not being able to go clothes shopping, pantie shopping or shoe shopping either. I am so tired of putting everyone else before me and always putting myself last.. Man; I am so frustrated with life. That I wanna screammmmmmm to the top of my lung from the highest peak and from the highest mountain “ I wanna give the fuck up” but I know that I can’t. I know that they need me.

I know that I am all they have and I know that my existence is very vital to their existence as their’s is to mines. I know that giving up is not the fucking answer and never will be But I can at least type out the words, feel the pain from them and find another way to try again. My kids never asked to be here. They are a product of a relationship gone bad but they are the best things that came out of that crazy relationship. No one said that it was going to be easy but Got damn no one ever told me that it would be this hard either. No one told me the truth of just how hard parenting really is and just how difficult it would be and the tole that it would take on me , my body and my mind. All the books I read about parenting never got down to the meat of what a single parent has to endure or any parent for that matter. I know that I watch my father parent two little girls on his own but I was kid looking in from my small child like perpective just like my kids do. It’s only now that I can only imagine what my father went through in the 70’s with us. I am at my wits end here and I need to have a platform to be able to say this instead of saying it to my two beautiful soul.

I have been dealing with my stress by eating, sleeping and having crazy sexy. I know that those are my unhealthy coping mechanics but at least I am honest with myself and with my readers too. I know that it will not last long term but I use them anyways. For a temporary reprieve of sort to take my mind off of everything I am dealing with. However; I have found out that none of them are making me happy in reality. I just use them to elicit some time of feeling other than numbness, pain, sorrow and struggle. There are moment that I turn on my motivational videos, say a prayer of two or play uplifting music to change my mood and spirits too. I am always there for anyone who needs me day or night when they are in need but the same people are not there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on.

If we want to get down and dirty with it all. I am beginning to lose faith in the God that I once served ever so feverishly. I was blindly in love with God and hanging on to every word that the pastor preached every Wednesday night for bible study and every Sunday morning for early morning service. I believed every single word in the bible and lived my life starchily to it. At this point I am tired of praying, I am tired of asking God why? I started asking him “ Why not me” . Then I started asking “ what lesson am I suppose to learn out of this life lesson”? Then I started asking him “ Is this going to make me stronger, more compassionate, more understanding , empathic and caring:? Now I am saying “ are you there man”? “Are you listening to me and my plight and cry” “ Did I do something wrong to deserve this much pressure and pain”? “ Why God are you putting me through pain , after pain after pain after pain with little gain or reward for my resiliency and faithfulness”?

I am slowly starting not to believe in his existence anymore. Am I praying to an invisible God; who’s prayers are fall on invisible none existence ears”? Why am I always on my knees praying to a God that has had me to going through so much hardship and pain since the age of 5? Why isn’t he listening? Is he not listening because I am losing my faith or because I am slowly losing my grasp of him and his position in my life? Is he mad at me for questioning his plan for me and my family or is he just to busy helping the world that is in a crisis? Whatever the reason is I am tired of waiting on my knees for answers from him at this point.

I slept for three straight days. Last night I took something to stay up so that I would not go back to sleep until I got all my chores done . I open all my windows, made up my bed and ate breakfast. I need to shower, brush my teeth and workout before I start my day. I just thought that I would take the time and vent my feeling on my blog. I don’t feel a 100% . My belly feels sick, my heart is heavy, my mind is worried, my soul is tired and my body is wrapped in surreal pain but today I will try to at least acknowledge how I am feeling and try not to get back into my bed. I am only human, I have flaws, insecurities, doubts and unsureness. I am Bipolar so I have to deal with that part of me too. I do know that depression has set in and I must continue to not give up and continue taking my medication too. I know that I have faith in the universe and a higher being ( no matter what I say) . I know that life is not only tough for me in today’s world. I know that giving up is not an option or a choice that I will give myself. I know that walking away from my to beloved like their father did to them 18 years ago is not going to happen. I know that I am a chemically depressed women that has numerous amounts of triggers sounding off all at one; so I can’t listen to the negative voices in my head. I know that change is needed and good but nevertheless it feels horrible and unsettling. I know that August is a hard month for me because of the loss of my beloved parents. I know that I am overly emotionally and I need to sit down, meditate, breath and look inward for answers to all my problems. I also know that I am strong but I am tired too and it’s not wrong admitting that to myself or out loud either. No one said life would be easy but Damn; no one told me that life would be this hard either. i am proud that I am doing a beautiful enough job dealing with heavy shit I am dealing with the best way I know how. I will not give up on myself or my beautiful beloveds until my last dying breath. I am a warrior, a way maker, a strong soldier and their mommy.

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What I want…

There is something so quietly beautiful when you have a deeper connection with a person . No matter if you gain weight or lose weight they find the sexiness in each added curve and each rolled out curve. How they delight in your crazy thinking, oddities and eccentricity. How they are in love with your brilliant and wacky mind and have no fear in telling you so.

How beautiful it is to know that you are a part of their growth cycle and how you know you bring them texture and depths to their lives. How no matter what you wear; wearing the natural state of you is what turns them on ; nothing extra needed or added. No make, up no frills, no weave; just you and only the authentic you.

How no matter how crazy you seem they appreciate the craziness that resides in you because that is what makes you “You”. They don’t try to dull your down but instead they allow you to be authentically you in all your madness. Without out trying to make you like the rest of the normal sheep.

How even in my darkness, casted by my shadows sitting in the dark. He is not afraid to meet me there, beat me there and greet me there without hesitation or fear. He pulls up the seat in my dark place and holds a steady conversation not missing a beat and with wit, humor and admiration too.

I love it when all mask are off and both individuals can be free to roam the uncharted minds of each other with no holds barred and with a child like curiosity; opening and unlocking pad locked doors, chained basements and dark and twisted stairways that leads to doors never opened. Now I know that a person will not process all the qualities that you want but they should posses the ones that you need and you can work towards the rest if you allow it to happen organically, rhymical and naturally holding a space for them to elevate on their own timing.

I am such a non materialistic person . That doesn’t float my boat at all. I am much more an authentic soul that needs authentic experiences that match my minds eyes, leaves a stain in my souls and ignites the fire in my belly just by being themselves. I am one hell of an emotionally ride mentally, physically and emotionally. I am not an easy cook to digest . I am not for the faint hearted or easily offended. I love it when a man takes time to get to all those parts of me that make me. Who knows my past and knows what triggers me now from same my past. a person that is well verse with depression, mania, hypersexuality, mood swings and rage. The kinda person that does his research on the Taurus the bull like me and ties it all neatly in a bow and knows just what to say and how to handle me when I can’t handle myself.

I need the 3 am conversations, the deep and reflective talks while holding hands. The fore head kisses that melt my soul and eye contact that last for mins without looking away. There is so much to a King That I want. I need him to be compassionate, caring, thoughtful, helpful, thought provoking, empathic and to love my kids like I love them. I want him to know all the little things about me. My love of hazelnut coffee, Yellow fresh cut flowers, my love language, my favorite Caribbean dish, my love for Orange soda one day and Pepsi the next. My ever changing chocolate choices of the week and to encourage me to keep on writing even when I don’t feel like it.

I want a workout partner, pray warrior, nature lover and home body just like me. I need him to motivate me at my lowest point and to encourage me at my most painful moment as I will do the same for him. I need a magical and mystical mate in the bedroom who is willing to let go of social norms and open his wings and soar to places unknow.

I want to be able to be in the same bed; sharing beautiful silence while I read my book and he is playing his game, posting on face book or talking to his friends without feeling like we have to encage in every single moment with each other. I want us to be a couple that is separate yet together. Detached yet, attached. Allowing each of us to grow together and yet apart into the greatest versions of ourselves without over complicating everything and being 100% always in each others faces.

I want him to have time with his family, his boys and friends away from me as I want the same for myself. coming together at family functions, get togethers and more. I want it easy flowing, no hassle in loving one another; just pure love and admiration for each other. I don’t want the chess mind games, the manipulation or fuckery to bind us together in falsehood. I just want what is true, what is just, what is righteous and what is real in my next relationship. I want to love like no other with no other but with him and he with me.

What makes me inwardly Sexy? 😂😂😂😎😎😎❤💜💜💜

( Just over here thinking about what really makes me sexy)

🎉When your Aura is seductively and beautifully intoxicating …

🎉When Your conversation is creative, insightful, intriguing, compelling and illuminating.

🎉When Your mind and thoughts are sexually stimulating, edifying and compelling without trying to be and your soul is eccentric, magnifing, alluring electrifying, and captivating…

🎉He will be left enchanted beyond his wildest dreams as he WILLINGLY free falls down MY rabbit hole of passion and deep desire without a parachute. ..

🎉Sexiness is not just an outside job. It’s a natural attribute a person either possess or doesn’t posses ! It has to pore or ooze out of your body naturally from the inside out!

🎉It’s not just your body, make up or sexy attire that screams Sexy! It’s you being unabashedly you in the purest and rawest form!

❤Yeah baby your stuck! Leaving me will prove to be a arduous task that will leave you thristing for me long after I am gone! ( facts)

❤💜Forgetting me will not be easy. After all; I left an invisible imprint and impression in you on a cellular level!

Figuring out Myself from Within .

Early morning Thoughts my subconscious mind.. Either stand down or you will be shut down! ( I wrote this for me. I had to get this out in the open and free my mind. It not for likes..lol) I get it now.. It all makes sense!

I am way to kind because I was treated unkindly. I am way to understanding and forgiving because I was and still am misunderstood and people treated me like every mistake I’ve made was unforgivable. I am honest and loyal to a fault when I am involved with a person in oneness and with my family because both words where never displayed to me as a child or shown to me as an adult. I seek , love, peace and light because being hurt, abused and devalued was all I new and It was my normal. Yet what I know to hold true and secretly in my mind is that I attract and manifest into my life what I really must think of myself and what I deserve.

I Have learned how to have all these great qualities on my own through trail and error. I knew what I wanted to feel and How I wanted others to feel around me; yet I use the same beautiful traits I labored hard to gain and added to my human experience on other people who are not on my level mentally, spiritually or physically.

I tend to give my love to unemotional man that have no idea what love looks like, sounds like or acts like. I am honest and loyal to the most dishonest and dishonest MF’s all in the name of being a solid women that no matter what “I will not drop my crown because he hid his underneath another women bed until he returned home” I give my time and mental energy into understand a man to his core being. I wanna know his inner working , turn on’s, turn off’s fears, goals and more in the hopes that I will learn him and learn how to properly love in the way he needs to be love. Yet in return I am not given the same amount of energy because I am to much, hard to handle, to complicated and mentally a challenge and My dumb ass accepted that bullshit ass excuse

Now I am not Naive by along shot However I am a product of pain. I strive and thrive in pain. It is all I knew and I accepted it as is for a long while. I wrote prior about not having a man like my father before and that still hold true but taking a caged animal out of the cage doesn’t exactly mean that the animal is still not mentally caged to the same mentality. It take time, practice and actually unlearning past abusive norms and replacing them with healthy and harmonies norms. Well I am actively trying to do just that and time and time again my old self resurfaces and there is a tug of war with the new me and the old me.

I am at point that dating is not in my cards until I am healed from my past because they will always resurface into my present. I need time no matter how old I am to seek myself worth and demand to be treated like the loud mouth queen I am instead of settling for what my secret subconscious thoughts manifest in front of me. I will continue to seek what I don’t want because I don’t think I deserve better. ( Man read that shit again)!! I know consciously what I need and deserve and I am in active mode with that but boy my subconscious is still living in the past and wants to drag me and my hard earned efforts of changing down to it’s low vibrating self. ( As a man thinks he is in his heart so he shall be)..

So this morning I speak to my subconscious and I say.. Stand down and shut the hell up. Stop tell me to settle and that its the best I can get! Stop telling me that my brokenness deserves brokenness.. Stop telling me that no one will ever love me like I love them. Stop telling me that waiting is the key to everything. Stop telling me No one is man enough to scale these wall and that I should leave a secret back door for the ones who are not! Stop telling me or reminding me that I am victim and that I always will be. Stop making me be so agreeable to shit that is unagreeable to my soul..

I see you hindering my growth and process of being coming the best version of Kidada,,all in the sake of Love… Fuck the kind of love you think I should have because evidently I you don’t know shit and your trying to teach me that settling for mediocre is all I deserve.. Step the hell off .. It rewiring time. No matter how painful it will be It will not be as painful as my past. I am watching you watch me. I see the thoughts and I will start pulling them down as fast as they come if they go against myself, my worth, my needs and my desire to be truly , wholly and completely loved.. No more onside , unrequited love.. Either we are traveling down the same road side by side or I am pulling the fuck over and letting him pass!

A letter Written to Me: from my Beautiful Soul.💙😇💕💕❤💜

Dear Kidada Raheeda Kendrick, ( a letter written to you from your beautiful soul)

Yesterday was particular tough day for you. I don’t know what opened up the floodgates exactly but your tears and raw emotions spilled over uncontrollably. I was there looking out of our red, teary blood shot eyes. I understand you were overwhelmed with all that was going on. I am inside of you and I felt your dread, pain, desire, fear and sadness too. I want you to know it hurt me so much to feel your pain and not be able to help you.

Listen Kidada, I want you to know that you have the right to feel the way you do. It is not natural to have the pressure of raising two kids alone with limited support. It’s not natural for you to have to make all the choice, financial decisions, educational decisions, health decisions and more for three lives by yourself. I understand yesterday you had more things to do that required more money than you had. I understand that your son had his needs, your daughter had her recital and you had bills that needed to be paid as well. I understand how you felt bad yesterday as well. I felt how bad are body felt and how much pain you were in but you didn’t want to admit it to your kids so they wouldn’t worry…

I know you wanted to spend that money on food but you had to pay the rent that was behind, you had give your son money for lunch, your daughter had to get to her recital and the thought of her or you not going was eating you alive. I saw How you took that little bit of money and made it all happen. I want you know That your daughter was happy that she made it there on time { You did that} . She was so happy to see that you show up. Did you see her face light up ?? I did! She was so worried about you. I read her text. Did you read what I read? ” Mom you are the best mom” !! She meant that. Your son was happy he ate and was able to feed others too yesterday. You felt happy you were able to get a ride and cash your check, pay your rent and just be able to enjoy the sunshine. I this is not what you signed up for being a single parent. I know that you doubt your abilities as a mother. You are always wondering how you are doing as a parent. Please know that there is no rating scale for motherhood. You are there for them from sun up to sun down.

You break your neck to feed them, supply their needs, their wants, give them unconditional love, provide them a warm and cozy home all by yourself and with the help of your son. I know that eat you alive as well. Your son having to work so damn much since he was 16. It makes you cry in silence often and he doesn’t know it. I heard you say tell him to take off some days to be a kid. “Go party, go to wrestling practice”. “You will regret it when you get older” you said fighting back your tears But he said what he always says. “I know mom”.” I will go for you but someone else beside you need to support this family”!..

Kidada you truly have some amazing ass kids. He could be doing everything and anything but becoming a hard working man is what he is chasing. He is empathetic, kind, caring and smart. He is goal orientated and he tries had to be a good kid. Your daughter is chasing college. She is an impeccable person too. She is a great writer and has a bright future. She is reading instead of having sex and doing drugs. She is still a virgin at 14 and in this day in age that is an impressive feat! They are turning out okay despite of life’s harsh realities, daily struggles, limit support system and their personal struggles.

I AM SO SORRY that I heard you cry so hard. I felt the depths of your pain and so did he. He never left you alone. He listened to you and tried to be there for you and your pain and words ran him away. When a person is there for you please allow them to be there for you. You are so use to doing it alone that when someone is present in your life you don’t see it because you are not use to someone reaching out and being there for you. People do love you. He loves you and he tried to show you but you ran him away. Promise me that you will never do that again. Rise above your emotions and state your truth and pain in a intelligent manner.

I just wanted to tell You that you are an amazing mother.. not a perfect mother but an amazing and eccentric mom who is doing the best she can with what she has and that is all you can do. Your children recognize your struggle, your pain, your hard work and most importantly the love you have for them. Maxi Naysa loves you so much and so does Selah Craft. Please remember to take care for yourself. Without you I will die before I am able to manifest and walk in are destiny and your children will be lost and sad without you.

It’s OK to cry, break, scream, cuss and shout out to the Universe in dismay and anger but it is never okay to want to give up or give in. We all need you and I need you to know that I am the one lucky soul to be able to live your body that I call home

.. I love you so much Kidada Raheeda Kendrick
Love your Beautiful soul

I had a Moment of Sheer Maddness

Let me touch on something. Let me smash a few toes and anger a lot of already bruised egos. ( Grow the Hell up.. or close your legs and stop sleeping around and breeding broken human beings!) This includes me as well.

Children are a product of two strangers engaging in a sexual act that coincidentally produced a beautiful soul or in my case two beautiful souls. It doesn’t matter whether it was a planned or unplanned pregnancy there was a soul born. I have been reading and responding to many different post recently regarding Child support, lack there of, visitation rights and who is keeping the kids from whom.

I am so fed the up with all these adults going back and forth with their bullshit ass excuses about the issues I listed above. We need to get are shit together for the sake of are kids. You can go back and damn forth on social media all you want about having to pay child support and how the mother of your child or children ( not your Baby mamma) I hate that ghetto sounding terminology; but how she keeps you away from your kids or how she spend your child support.

We can keep having this same damn discussion on social media about how the Father of our child or children doesn’t pay child support, doesn’t help financially, physically or mentally with raising your beloveds. For whatever damn reason me included likes to hop on these types of post divide areselves in groups and ready to fight the good fight with are words. We all want to appear like the saint and never the villain and in reality we are all a villain in someones story-line or plot twist including me.

It’s friggin crazy how we defend are opinion but not are kids. Pay close attention to every word plastered on a post yet refuse to pay child support. How both parties blast each other about what they do or don’t do but in reality you are doing something but still not doing enough for your children offline.

Do you know what happens to the children on the sideline watching this shit show like uninvited sectors on the bench. They are the ones taking in are adult madness and blaming their existence for us adults fighting. They are on the sidelines taking it all in and coming up with conclusions on their own about how a man should treat a women and how a women should treat a man and most importantly how they are going to treat their children in the future.

If you are only damsging your children by not paying your child support because you are angry with her, still wanting to sleep with her, mad at her for having a new man or you simply have contempt in your heart for her. Let me tell you Brother you are only up your kids!! If the mother of you kids are struggling dummy so are your damn Kids. They are the ones going without food, shelter, lights, warm clothes, school needs, extra curricular activities and more because of your selfIsh ass ego and your need to hurt the mother of you kids. The best thing you can do for your kids is love and respect them and their mother. Being in love with her at this point is pointless but loving the mother of your kids is important. They are two different things!

Kill your horrid ego and learn how to co – parent together for the sake of their stability, sanity and happiness of your children. Damn it is not about us selfish ass egotistical adults!! Its’s about the beautiful souls who didn’t ask to be here.

For the mothers that selfishly keep their children from their fathers you are a very nasty creature and you are making good moms like myself who begging the father to see their kids look bad. People generalize and lump us all together and I hate that! However; if you’re keeping them away from an abusive father, a father that is mentally incapable of caring for your children or other justified reasons why is one thing. However if you are doing it out of spite to hurt him is an inhuman and treasonous thing to do to him and the child or children!!

They deserve the right to know both sides of the tree. You are not here to be their all. You were called to be their mom and he is called to be their father. Do not set up your children for future failure because of your pettiness, your jealousy of him moving on with another women, your divorce or bitterness. It feel so good to you to hurt him like he hurt you but do you truly love your children if you are willingly hurting them to get back at him?

Let me tell you the outcome of what adult madness does to are beloveds. They will end up feeling , unloved, unwanted, abandoned and feel like their very existence is a burden. They will be the ones struggling along side the single parent or left sadden by not being able to see the parent who is willing to put in the time. They will cry themselves to sleep, develop depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies and more. They will have low self esteem issues and issues with trusting people.

How do I know? Whelp; my two broken children are a product of two immature adults.. and now they are in therapy because of us! They feel hurt, abandoned, unwanted and unloved by their dad and they feel the effects and struggles of living in a one parent home with me. Thank God we all go to therapy and we are all as a family working through are shit together. Everyone is not that lucky

They will end up in therapy fighting for the right words to explain their feelings to the therapist ; ( a feelings they should never have in the first place) They will have a screwed up view of the world and relationships as a whole because of us dumb ass adults who couldn’t get it together for sake of are kids ..

Why are we intentionally breaking are own children? We may have been broken as kids too and we know how that feels. Then why the fuck are we not dying trying to make sure that are children are not wounded and broken too? Get the hell off of social media with your debating asses and learn to shut your mouth. Go home and learn how to co parent your children AND LEARN HOW TO BECOME MATURE ADULTS for the sake of those innocent souls caught in the cross fire!. If you need proof address my daughter Maxi Naysa or Selah Craft if you need a kids prospective!

Stay..❤💜💕🌈😍

🍷When your flaws are redefined as sexy and beautiful…

🍷When your authentic and maskless self is considered intriguing..

🍷When your eccentricity is celebrated and your oddity is wanted, accepted, actually adored and cherished. ..

🍷When your insecurities are on blast but they are a turn on to him ..

🍷When all your hidden part are revealed to him and he smiles and runs towords you instead of away..

🍷When he handles your moods instead of your moods handling him…

🍷When he loves the “you” no one else sees…

🍷When he just likes being in your presence and likes the rawness of your awkward soul…

🍷When it is a natural connection and nothing is forced..

🍷When laughing together is an never-ending inside joke.

🍷 When both your light and dark parts are equally inviting to him and he is willing to explore both sides eyes wide open..

🍷When he loves, accepts and truly likes all the parts of you that you don’t ..
🍷When he knows that your’re a rarity

👫 “Stay”